To have snapped and pissed off DH in front of his parents

[JoanJettsBlackheads]

DH becomes like another person when his parents are with us. He was brought up in a very traditional household with his Dad as the breadwinner and his Mum as a SAHM and then housewife (she has never really worked since she got married). In contrast to us, I have always hugely out earned DH, but his parents were never aware of this and simply assumed I had a “little job.”

So when we are with them, DH likes to perpetuate this myth, eg saying that my boss “let me” go to Paris with him to “help” him while he was negotiating a deal. The reality is that I am the main negotiator. DH also likes to portray me as a bit dim, ditsy and clumsy. He was going to town on this when they came over for dinner this week, telling his parents how I’d smashed a bottle of wine (true), left something in a taxi that he’d had to run after to get back (not true), plus a whole list of other things which were embellished. He then patted my arm and said “But you can’t help being clumsy and not very bright, can you? You have other qualities!”

I snapped at that point and said to him “If I’m that fucking stupid, why do I earn five times what you do?” He just sat there not saying anything, his parents made their excuses and left, but his Dad did ask me, as he was leaving, if it was true. I said it was, and he just said, good on you, I’m proud of you.

We had a huge row when they had left, and he’s now sulking and not speaking to me. I’m not apologising, and he can fuck off as far as I’m concerned. He usually just implies that I have a “little job” and that he is Billy Big Bollocks, and I bite my tongue, but the other night was just a long diatribe on how thick and useless I am. Not sure what I want from this thread or where we go from here but I just wanted to get it off my chest.

what a dick - leave him!

I’d divorce him. He sounds like a total idiot. And jealous of you. Very unattractive traits.

Why would he say all that in front of his parents? Is it to present himself as more intelligent than he is?

How did you feel when his dad said that to you?

"You wouldn't know her, she goes to another school."

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/work/5239485-lack-of-diversity-in-interview-panel-in-civil-service

Your husband is pathetic. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t respect a man that needed to feel bigger than me in front of his parents, rather than proud. Especially as his parents seem like they’d be nothing but admiring of you. There’s not even a latent sense of judgement of career women he’s misguidedly trying to protect you from.

He’s just pathetic.

Sounds like this thread is a load of rubbish then.
If OP had posted the previous one about her cousin, as claimed, why not just say “my cousin went for an interview”?

People post all sorts of made up crap on this forum. I wonder what’s wrong with them to feel the need to do this? Disappointing.

Honestly, don't back down. I grew up in a household where the myth was perpetuated that my mother was 'not very bright'. In fact SHE was the one with a degree, if she hadn't given up her career to have children (it was the 60s), she would have out-earned him. It was a toxic environment to grow up in and it was all done because my father's ego had to be satisfied.

I'm glad his dad knows the truth. Let your husband sulk all he fucking wants to, he brought it on himself.

In the OP’s first post, she said she had “always” out earned him. Then a later one says only for the last 10 years. Which is it?

All right, Columbo, some of us aren't as quick off the mark.

I think if you're, say 38-45, ten years probably does feel like 'always'.

I actually thought you might be somebody I know based on your first post, as I know a couple where the man is a right knob about the fact that she earns considerably more, and does exactly the same sort of belittling snidey comments you mention. Then I remembered that his dad is a knob too, whereas your father in law sounds decent (and it also sounds like he knows his son is a bit of a knob). I really feel for you as every time I've witnessed this sort of thing I've thought 'Oh fuck that, get away from him'. Hate to say it but I see no reason why the same shouldn't apply here, unless your husband has a very quick and drastic change of attitude.

No, Ragamuffin8 is clearly right, I was just doffing my cap at the observation.

Yes. He brought it on himself. You never humiliated him by declaring you were the higher earner but he kept pushing ... How much a person earns doesn't determine ones worth but he clearly has an issue with it hence his need to put you down so much. Happy and confident people don't do that. It's sad all round.

Well done for you. I am in awe. Your DH deserved your reaction. Good on your FIL to recognise you. I am too proud of you

@JoanJettsBlackheads

Is your DH on a very low wage? Like £18K to £20K a year? Could this be why he tries to ridicule you so much. He's jealous and insecure.

Why are with him? He sounds vile, and you clearly don't like him judging by your posts. I mean I can't blame you, as he is so nasty to you, but why are you with him if he is so rude and nasty to you, and he earns such shit money? He seems to have zero good qualities. I'd have left ages ago truth be told.

I would have been incandescent with rage if my DH came out with that load of bollocks. And I would have said what you said too.
I can't believe he then had the gall to sulk!!! Although I would have appreciated the silent treatment he dished out as it gave a break from all the bullshit he undoubtedly came out with to justify what he said in front of his parents.
Honestly OP i would seriously be considering my options.
Is that some ducks forming a row over yonder?

Hmmm

I think your father in law is great!

my in laws would see it as me showing him up or some other twisted view point

I can't say it better than this! So pleased you finally let rip. What a prick your H is.

No, the dynamics would be different if it was “always” the case of out-earning versus past 10 years.

Good for you OP, surprised it has taken you this long!

Does he belittle you that often? Both in front of
others and alone? If so, how on earth have you gone this long without snapping? Sounds like he has little man syndrome from his little salary!

uh huh.

Oh.

Was there alcohol involved that night? And if so does he only behave like this when he's had a drink / does he always have a drink when you are with his parents?

Alcohol brings out the worst in some, and also turns some people into elaborate story tellers (e.g. the lie about the taxi).

Either way, what he has been doing is outrageous and I am amazed you've only just snapped.

If alcoholic has been involved it might be best to wait until tomorrow to talk about it together.

As others have said, what a shame he can't just be proud of you for how well you've done. Is he at the same company as you? Have you been in direct competition before for roles?

Sorry if others have asked these Qs, I have only read the first page and all your replies OP!