To have snapped and pissed off DH in front of his parents

[JoanJettsBlackheads]

DH becomes like another person when his parents are with us. He was brought up in a very traditional household with his Dad as the breadwinner and his Mum as a SAHM and then housewife (she has never really worked since she got married). In contrast to us, I have always hugely out earned DH, but his parents were never aware of this and simply assumed I had a “little job.”

So when we are with them, DH likes to perpetuate this myth, eg saying that my boss “let me” go to Paris with him to “help” him while he was negotiating a deal. The reality is that I am the main negotiator. DH also likes to portray me as a bit dim, ditsy and clumsy. He was going to town on this when they came over for dinner this week, telling his parents how I’d smashed a bottle of wine (true), left something in a taxi that he’d had to run after to get back (not true), plus a whole list of other things which were embellished. He then patted my arm and said “But you can’t help being clumsy and not very bright, can you? You have other qualities!”

I snapped at that point and said to him “If I’m that fucking stupid, why do I earn five times what you do?” He just sat there not saying anything, his parents made their excuses and left, but his Dad did ask me, as he was leaving, if it was true. I said it was, and he just said, good on you, I’m proud of you.

We had a huge row when they had left, and he’s now sulking and not speaking to me. I’m not apologising, and he can fuck off as far as I’m concerned. He usually just implies that I have a “little job” and that he is Billy Big Bollocks, and I bite my tongue, but the other night was just a long diatribe on how thick and useless I am. Not sure what I want from this thread or where we go from here but I just wanted to get it off my chest.

It's a massive massive ick that he's so insecure and pathetic he needs to do this juvenile thing to you to big himself up..

It must be such a turn off.

Likely MIL may defend her boy but way to go up in DFILs estimations.

He is belittling you and diminishing you probably because you being successful and earning more damages his fagile ego. He's trying to demonstrate that you are a little woman and he's Billy big bollocks to his parents. The thing is if he was a secure person he wouldn't feel the need to do that. He wouldn't need to put you down to make elevate himself. I bet he doesn't celebrate your successes either.

Given how this thread was summarised in my trending list, I’d hoped this was the return of the ‘snapped and farted’ poster, only her condition had evidently worsened 😁. Haven’t RTFT so hope isn’t inappropriate to say I’m starting reading it a bit disappointed…

How did you tolerate it for this long?! I love his dad’s response! He is a massive prick.

he is a dick and a jerk,, not worth your attention, dump him.

He should be proud of you, not belittling you to bolster his fragile masculinity. I would take my money and leave at this point. His dad sounds nice though. Get the dad a leaving gift.

Your husband is a twat. A degrading, arrogant man. I couldn't/wouldn't put up with that. Well done for saying what you said.

You are Saint JoanJettsBlackheads!
what a dick your husband is! Love that your FIL was impressed with you. Let him sulk.

Good for you. And well done his dad! Don't put up with DH belittling you any more.

What on earth have I just read?! This is emotional abuse. Is he awful in other ways? Are you happy in your marriage?

Wow that is absolutely infuriating behaviour! I don't know how you've put up with it until now.

What's next, OP? Can you really countenance staying with this man? Do you have kids? Daughters?

I almost voted YABU.....only for the fact that how the feck have you put up with the level of downplaying you and calling you ditsy for so long?!
I would have been red rag to a bull for even 1 attempt!

Your H has serious insecurities to even behave this way in the first place it also shows signs of misogynistic behaviour.

So definitely a Frank discussion about why he has felt the need to do this

Is this a recent role then @JoanJettsBlackheads if you were still trying to get promoted in the civil service a year ago? That’s quite quick to have bought a country house and everything so he just be wanting a decent amount if you’ve both managed to do that.
Have you been massively out earning him for a long time or just the last few months, as the civil service doesn’t usually pay in the 6 figures.

Bravo! He sounds a monstrous twat of a man!

I’d end the marriage for that to be honest, what an insanely nasty, patronising man.

That will be - Yabu to have not left him ages ago or Yabu to not have called him out the first time or Yabu to make what is very possibly a joke thread. (No one has to question whether it’s normal to be insulted like this by their spouse).

He brought that on himself.

Oh he had it coming!

Well the cat's finally out of the bag and it would appear that it's been your husband's issue all along. Nothing to do with his Dad.

And now he's sulking? He should be grovelling, the little pissant.

What an utter knob. DH has his faults but has always bragged about my work to his family.

HOW on earth have you put up with this for all this time? What a terribly small man. In every single sense.

He hates you.

Your FIL is AMAZING! and knows his son!

No. The previous post re civil service was for my cousin. I told her I would post for her on here. I didn’t want to post this under my usual user name so just picked this at random from some previous names. No intention to mislead at all, and I probably should have chosen a new one.

"I’ve asked him before why he does it, he says he’s just joking, and I’ve told him I don’t find it funny. But the other night was something else, he just went on and on and on."
So he can't claim your refusal to be patronised came as a surprise to him. He already knew you didn't consider his disrespect to be "just joking". So instead of realising he was being a dick, or even just taking on board you don't like this act of his - no, this time he decides to go for broke and not only to be patronising and disrespectful, but also to be really really insulting. What on earth did he expect to be the result of his behaviour? That you'd simper in agreement? I mean - just WHAT did he expect? I'd actually go as far as to see his behaviour as a form of punishment of you. He must have known he was needling you.

"He then patted my arm and said “But you can’t help being clumsy and not very bright, can you? You have other qualities!” "
And for that, he is very fortunate that you chose only to snap at him. I'd have punched his lights out.

"his Dad did ask me, as he was leaving, if it was true. I said it was, and he just said, good on you, I’m proud of you."
Interesting that, isn't it? You said he diminishes you "in front of his parents, I think to make himself out to be some kind of alpha male like his Dad" whereas his dad has completely the opposite opinion - it's as if he doesn't know his father at all. Or that his dad successfully masked any dissatisfaction he had about being the sole earner from his children, maybe he'd have preferred it not to have been a "very traditional household". I'd be reassessing if what I thought I knew about his parents was accurate. And I'd be making VERY sure to tell your husband that his dad is proud of your earning power!

At heart, your husband is a petty little twat. He appears to feel threatened by your earnings outstripping his so far. Maybe his self-esteem has taken a hit - but he's gone about dealing with that the wrong way. He has a problem with the disparity? Fine, but he deals with that problem himself, he does not make it your problem. This is real life, not Harry Enfield's 'Women, Know Your Limits' comedy sketch.