Anyone else have no one to spend time with if their DH/DP were to go away for the weekend

[Toeragg]

Today DH is going to see DD (who is working in Europe for a couple of years) and I will spend the weekend completely alone - not by choice.

Anyone else who would be in the same boat?

@GreyCarpet Thanks, I appreciate you saying that. Genuinely horrified at the thought of being seen as smug, it's really not my personality type at all.

@Bjorkdidit Thanks for sharing that thread. Most (ok, some) of the time I don't feel it's my responsibility. He does come and do some things with me sometimes, indeed he would likely do more, but I say no at times because it isn't appropriate (e.g. meeting up with the girls when no one else is bringing a partner). I would feel responsible for ensuring he has a good time and feels comfortable if I have taken him to somewhere that's for me. E.g. to a wedding of one of my family members, or to an event with my friends.

@AppropriateAdult @IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos I absolutely get what you are both saying, and although he isn't complaining or moaning at me, he has, on a couple of occasions gently expressed that he would like to spend more time with me. So although he isn't putting pressure on me, the pressure comes from knowing that he wants even more from me, but I feel stretched far too thin and I don't have any more time to give. I think he wants to see me more because he doesn't have other social aspects, and relies on me for most social contact. If he would do other things, I think he wouldn't rely on me so much for being 'something to do'. I too also need a lot of time alone, so I get it, and I definitely don't think he should socialise as much as me, but he clearly wants more socialisation in his life. He also sometimes wants to come on social events with me where it wouldn't be appropriate for him to attend. E.g. my friends are pretty much all either women with young children (so husband's are at home looking after the children while we go out), or single women. So it would be weird and change the dynamic for me to be the only person bringing a partner, and he would be the only man.

I'm also intrigued at the single people on this thread complaining that friends in relationships want to see them on weekends when their partner isn't around and see it as a negative thing. Surely it's just people arranging to meet friends when it's mutually convenient for them and when they have a gap in busy diaries. As in relation to the points I made originally, I guess it's just difficult when one persons availability is different to the person they want to spend time with, meaning everyone can feel dissatisfied.

I'm also aware this has swayed from the OPs point somewhat, so I apologise, but wanted to respond to points directly made to me.

No problem @PurpleCoo

OP do you have a dog? It's a wonderful way to meet people and make friends. I have been reflecting on this thread, and comments made by myself and others, and while walking today, I bumped into an elderly lady that always walks up the fields, which is the main dog walking area where I live. And is also a through route for workers in the area. She knows all the regulars, and I walked with her today, and we had a lovely, meaningful conversation. She is there every day. She never knows who she will bump into, but there are always people there, and I always see her chatting to people. She lives alone, and even though walking is difficult for her now, it's a huge part of her social life. She doesn't even have a dog! I also reflected that actually, it's a lovely dog walking community. During COVID, when I wasn't allowed to see my partner, it was such a boost to everyone's wellbeing, as we were still allowed to walk our dogs, and we kept our distance but bellowed hellos at each other. I am sure it prevented so many people from feeling lonely.

Yes, I do have some lovely chats with fellow dog walkers.

I agree with this. If you're unhappy about not having friends, you need to make the effort to see people even when your partner is around.

Single people saying that about coupled up friends are pointing out that the friends ONLY want to see them when their partner isn't around & don't consider them the rest of the time. Not quite so odd to understand surely?

Nobody, but that suits me. I wish he would bugger off sometimes.

I am single, with no kids and this is usually the reality of my weekends because the vast majority of people I know are busy with their families 🤷‍♀️ you can’t have it both ways I'm
afraid.

You have 2 options. Be down and sad or be proactive. You’ve either become to entwined in a life that’s very small (but not unhappy) or take this as an opportunity to widen your horizons. Do a hobby, join a club etc.

I have young dcs at home so I'd spend my time with them, but if DH took them with him I'd have no one to spend my time with. But I'd be quite content to have time to myself, I'd do some DIY, reading, go to a gallery, book a theatre show and go to a sports class. All of that would be easier on my own than trying to arrange logistics of meeting up for the sake of having someone with me (and a bit pointless for some of them as you won't interact much).

@cloudtreecarpet

Exactly this. Thank you for seeing that. It’s pretty black and white @PurpleCoo. It’s a fact that I have certain friends who will only suggest us doing something when their partner isn’t there. It’s not simply a case of people seeing people when they are free / their diaries align. I have plenty of those types of arrangements with friends. I (and others) were referring to some friends who will only get in touch when their DH/ partner is away. It’s pretty transparent and they see no irony in saying ‘I’m on my own this weekend and at a bit of a loose end as DH is away… are you free?’ When there is no consideration that their single friend who they are asking to do something with is very often on their own with no partner to rely on (and at a loose end’) every weekend whilst they are with their DH!

You have 2 options. Be down and sad or be proactive. You’ve either become to entwined in a life that’s very small (but not unhappy) or take this as an opportunity to widen your horizons. Do a hobby, join a club etc.

Where did I say I was down and sad? And I don't have a small life. Long and happy marriage, great relationship with my adult daughter and her boyfriend, lovely sister who has gone to live her dream life by the coast and I'll be spending a week with her in September. Public facing job with friendly colleagues and a couple of good friends and an amazing dog. Other friends have moved on and I've realised there is a void this weekend which I shall fill quite contentedly.

But ... I am going to think about how I can fill that void, especially with semi retirement a few years away. My daughter is an extrovert with lots of friends - I couldn't cope with that! - but am sure I can find something interesting and social. Glad I started this thread.

I suppose it depends whether it's radio silence and then a message "DH is out this weekend, want to catch up" or a regular contact relationship and then a "ooh I've got a free weekend soon, fancy planning something?".

Also, are the single people attempting to arrange plans with the people in relationships? Or waiting for them to come to them and then being irritated it's only when their partner isn't around? Because in the second scenario, I wouldn't be chasing a friend to spend time with me when I had other options, IF they were never bothering with me in the first place.

It isn't all on the coupled up people to involve the singles. Friendships work both ways and it does have to be mutually convenient to meet up.

Oh yeah. That's completely unreasonable if that's the ONLY time they try to meet up. But then what happens when you ask them to meet up? Are you suggesting times that work for you both?

I tend to meet single friends in the week or weekend daytime, but will suggest a weekend evening out if I know my partner isn't around, as I usually meet up with him weekend evenings. It's a two way thing though. Sometimes I initiate a plan, sometimes they do.

I'm sure you are more considerate but I was just pointing out what the poster was saying.

I meant being down this weekend. I did say not unhappy and by small life I meant by choice. You’re happy doing what you’re doing but having hubby away has highlighted your lack of options. I was sincerely trying to make you look at this revelation in a more positive light & something that you can change and have fun doing so. I came from a perspective where I can pick up the phone and arrange to something and have someone to do it with on a whim. To be able to do that though you also have to be available when people want you. I’ve met up with mates when I’d rather have stayed home. So when my hubby is away I actually don’t want to have any plans. I relish the time alone watching crap tv next to my fire.

Totally get this. I’m in a similar boat. What you’re really touching on is a life change. If you’re working, you’ve got grown up children so don’t have that loose mum network anymore, you don’t have those local friends.

I see a lot of my closest friend, but she lives miles away so she either drives or we meet in the centre of the city, I have a group of other friends who we meet to do specific things, like gigs, meals, exhibitions etc, and I have other friends such as old work colleagues who I meet for dinner every 3 or 4 months. but it’s the ‘are you around for a cuppa’ people you can just call on as most people have tightly planned social lives. What you’re talking about OP is the change in the rhythm of our lives, I wish I was into singing or craft or something locally. I don’t love the area I live in which is part of the issue.

i wish i had arranged to meet a single, widowed, friend when dh was away recently but i was terrified of losing my keys and being locked out

Do you have ocd? What do you think people who live alone do? Do we never leave our homes?In case we lose our keys?

no but it seems a weekend on my own caused anxiety,

i am just being honest, why the remark about single people not leaving their homes?

I wouldn’t have many to choose from other than my adult daughters. It does make me sad and worry me but I try not to think about it tbh

Anxiety to the extent you don't want to leave your home.In case you lose your keys, it's pretty extreme. The comment about single people is.What do you think people who live alone do?

Do you think we never leave our home? It's pretty easy to have contingencies or a backup plan for keys.

In some ways, reading this on glad i'm living alone now because I haven't developed a unhealthy dependency on somebody else constantly being there.

good for you!
well done
i havent lived on my own ever
i lived with family
then in shared accommodation,
with dh since 1990 - how many years is that?
is that hard to comprehend that it would cause anxiety to be on my own?

The other option is to think about it and do something about it.

You don't have to be sad about it. If you want a wider social circle, go find one.

To the point that you are too terrified to leave the house if there's no one around in case you lose your keys? Yes that's not a normal response.

I don't live alone, and have never lived alone. Went from parents to living with DH before we married. But if I'm alone for a weekend then anxiety isn't that I might lock myself out. The only real anxiety I have is that the noises in the house or outside are someone trying to break in (and this is an anxiety I have anyway, but it's just lessened when I'm not alone because I'm not alone with the scenario).

If you DO lose your keys when you're alone and there's no one with a spare, you call a locksmith. It's very easily solved.