To say something or should I just drop this re surname

[geminicancerean]

I got married twelve years ago, have been with DH for over twenty years,

When we got married we both kept our names. I don’t think women who change their names are wrong at all, I just couldn’t imagine myself with DH’s surname. I like my name, it links me to my family and my heritage and DH had absolutely no problem with me keeping it so we did. Our kids have DH’s surname, which I don’t mind at all because I grew them in my body and have no insecurity whatsoever about my connection to them. In our unit of four it’s all fine and not an issue at all.

Turns out that to everybody over 60 in our family this is a very Big Deal. For twelve years now I receive mail to ‘Mrs OPfirstname DHsurname’ or, worse, ‘Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname’ - I really don’t like being called this one because mainly IT’S NOT MY FECKING NAME. Before we got married we mentioned that the names wouldn’t change. Everybody knew. Nobody seemed to have an opinion and it was all fine, we thought,

But the wrong name is every single piece of mail we ever receive from PiL and my own DF (DM died before my wedding but was always v on board with me keeping my name as it’s a thing I decided I would do very young). I’ve reminded them once or twice in a v friendly ‘that was so kind, thank you, btw I kept my name when we got married’ but it is ignored over and over and over again.

i cannot be bothered to take it up with the in laws, because I don’t want to get any backs up there but WIBU to ask my own father to call me by my actual name, which is the name he also has?! It can’t be that hard to remember. I recently achieved something very important and DF was so pleased when I sent him the certificate which has MY ACTUAL NAME on it and not the name he has decided that I should be having.

Perspective-wise I have this filed under ‘shit I shouldn’t really have to care about’ but it does hurt quite a bit to see birthday cards addressed to Mrs DH every year. Every year I decide it isn’t worth making a fuss about but it does upset me so WIBU to drop DF a text or something saying ‘Hey DF, do you think you could use my actual legal name, the one you gave me, in correspondence?’ Urgh I know I should probably drop this.

I'm married 34 years, so not that long after you. The vast majority of women in my social and work circles kept their name when they got married so I don't think it was that unusual so the time.

"Mum, Dad you need to stop being so rude and offensive to my wife. It's not ok. It's been twelve years. It's about time you respected her decision not to take my name. I don't own my wife and your attempts to try and own her are totally unacceptable passive aggressive and out of order."

Your DH needs to grow a spine and you.

I don't think it is, I think it is the education they had.

Your name is Opfirstname Opsurname but your title is -in old fashioned etiquette - Mrs DHfirstname DHsurname. Mrs Opfirstname DHsurname would indicate you were divorced.

It really is difficult to change this because it is not at the front of your mind. The same when writing to a company you address them as 'Dear Sirs'.

It annoys me that I know this stuff, but it was bashed in to us at school.

Maybe give yourself aa different title, I like 'Great Poobah'.

Nonsense. It's about respect and manners. My grandmother, who would be 125 if she was still alive had no problem remembering my surname remained the same as it always was once I was married 34 years ago.

I’m well into my sixties and am shocked at so many posts on here where your parents or other relatives, who are likely younger than me, are so rude in their forms of written address!

Perhaps the generations above - many now deceased like my own - did this as it was the accepted correct thing to do - but now - it’s ignorant.

Send it back saying “not known at this address”

Ok, I've gotta know ... how did you find out about the cheque? And did you get another one from him?

I first married in 1980 and I never changed my name. I've been divorced and (later) widowed, and brought up a child, all without changing my name.

Back in the 80s my father actually sent me cheques in my married name! And my (new) employer didn't put me on the payroll initially because they were waiting to see what my married name was!

So, getting post addressed to my husband's surname seemed like quite a minor issue and it has never bothered me

My BIL is the worst for this. Our DC are double barreled but they leave off my surname (because they can't spell my surname 🙄). MIL even used to write their bday cheques with the wrong surname when she was alive. It's just so petty and small minded.

Look:
My parents were born in 1931 and died when they were 90. They both managed, with no mental gymnastics at all, to give everyone the right name whether names were kept, hyphenated, which men changed to hyphenated or woman’s name, which names grandchildren and numerous nephews, nieces and their Dc all had. Without feeling the need to comment or raise an eyebrow.

None of us keep the etiquette that was in place when we were children if it changes unless we are dim, judgemental or obstinate. Most of us on this thread will already have changed some of our habits.

People who deliberately refuse to acknowledge someone’s legal name and personal identity are a mixture of dim, ignorant, obstinate, passive aggressive or controlling , alongside sexist and steeped in the patriarchy.

But who is to say that it's 'correct'? There's nothing in law about it; it's just other people from long ago (and the unthinking people who follow them) expecting their preferences for how YOU are addressed to take precedence.

In principle, it's no different from when left-handed children were forced to learn to right with their right hands, as this was deemed 'correct'; or Welsh-speakers who were told that they must always use English, as it's 'correct'.

How far back do we take it? Do we tell black people now that they still have to give up their seats on the bus if a white person is standing, because this was deemed 'correct' before the magnificent Rosa Parks took a stand? Do we tell people with cerebral palsy that they must accept being called the word that nasty hard-of-thinking people turned into a slur, because 'it's correct'?

Another one who has this. With the added annoyance that it’s my family and they pretty much without fail spell my husband’s name wrong when they put it as my name 😂(not a British name). I really don’t care. I just mark it in the (big) box of ‘my family’s issues’ and ignore it. If you do care though, tell your dad in no uncertain terms (again) -presumably it’s his name you are keen to keep, and the connection with him and the person he contributed to your being, so maybe point that out to him? Failing that start sending him post addressing him with your mum’s ‘maiden’ name and see how he likes that!

Why are women expected to/ expecting themselves to just shrug about this?

We choose our Dc names with care, and find something we love. Would we tell our Dc it doesn’t matter if other people, teachers, relatives, friends, decide to address them as Bobbly, Murgatroyd or Flittle, and just ignore it and suck it up?

Women who decline to change their name, despite the remaining societal pressure and default clearly feel that it is important to them.

So it is.

I also knew two doctors who were married to each other and correspondence was addressed to Dr and Mrs.
Absolutely outrageous

Also, purely on a technical point, if both of a couple are Dr and IF they share the same surname, surely it should be 'Drs Smith', rather than 'Dr & Dr Smith', shouldn't it?

Traditionally, people used to use 'Messrs' or 'Mesdames' when writing (respectively) to two or more men or to two or more women with the same surname (whether a couple, sisters or whatever).

Would it not thus be either 'Dr Khan & Dr Smith' or simply 'Drs Khan'?

Just noticed my glaring brainfart: 'learn to right with their right hands'!

Same for me. My grandmother was born in 1888 and had no trouble at all accepting that I did not change my surname upon marriage and that I used Ms. as my title both before and after marriage.

I must say, I find it a bit odd if someone changes their title to Mrs but keeps their name. Their choice obviously though. I was Ms before and after marriage. Much simpler.

I have similar from my in laws. Whilst I did take DH surname I am Dr, but ALWAYS addressed as Mrs DHSurname by them. I wouldn’t care about the dropping of Dr if they at least wrote Ms. I really, REALLY hate being defined by my marital status, but obviously I can’t say that to them without causing offence (as they all do). Wouldn’t it just be nice if people could just respect what people are actually called?!

DH is Dr DH. I'm extremely proud of him and his PhD and a great deal of good for humanity has come out of his research.

I have various relatives who address letters etc to Mr. I wouldn't mind except THEY make a deal out of NOT using Dr. But we're supposed to applaud at all the tiny achievements they make.

But then I also have a relative who gets the name of my road wrong and has done for nearly twenty-five years.

Some people just enjoy their own stubborness I guess.

If he wants to be addressed as Dr socially, has he made that clear to them?

I think conventions differ about the use of Dr socially for Ph.Ds. My sister and two of my friends have a Ph.D but do not use it socially. I'm in the US though so it may be different elsewhere.

As my friend says:
"It's not Mr Evil, It's Doctor Evil. I didn't go to Evil Medical School for seven years to be called Mr".

My DH is known as Dr DH in everything except with some of my Dad's relatives who make a concerted effort to NOT call him Dr. We have made it clear on several occasions but they greatly enjoy making it out as nothing. My US relatives refer to him as Dr DH.

Old fashioned British etiquette dictates that you do not call yourself Doctor unless you’re a medical doctor. Which maybe why some people are having problems with older relations. My father would have cheerfully died rather than call himself Dr Curlewsdad.

All our university lecturers (non medical) had the title Dr (unless they were Profs) and correspondence was addressed as such...

I have exactly this issue with my own in laws and also relatives on my side. Ours is slightly different in that our DC also have my surname (not at my behest, I suggested they should be double-barreled but DH said too much of a mouthful so mine only was his preference ). I still have my own relatives address me as Mrs [DH surname]. Also had cheques addressed to our DC but with DH surname meaning we can’t cash them!

i corrected all of them the first time it happened; all bar one (on my DH side incidentally) continue to misname me and our DC.

It’s rude, disrespectful and ignorant but I’ve elected to protect my peace and not waste any more energy on it.

I think that this is generally the convention in the United States as well. I know several academics who are called doctor within their universities, but in other contexts, use Mr or Ms. As my sister sometimes puts it, "My PhD is in linguistics. I don't want them to ask me to operate the defibrillator on an airplane."