Am I going crazy? Little scenarios that my bf makes me feel like I’m going crazy

[Confusedlady600]

My boyfriend and I have been absolutely fine and happy for a year and a half.

He cheated on me last November by kissing someone else. It broke me. When I found out he completely tried to turn it around on me accused me of possibly speaking to another guy. There has been times he seems very jealous but then he back tracks on it. So if I go out with friends he messages me through out the evening and then has before asked me if I pulled!? He’s also been funny with me about my male gardener who he says in the past and before his cheating he thinks I fancy or I flirt with him, there isn’t we just get on.

I don’t need relationship advice I think I know what I need to do (leave) I just need advice on whether I’m going crazy or not or this is actually how I am seeing it.

So for example….
My boyfriend was working yesterday and I was off for the day. Yesterday the gardener came at 9am for his regular maintenance in garden, I said hi made him a tea and then went to my friends house for a coffee at 9.30 and was there until 12, she doesn’t have good signal in her area, so couldn’t message bf in that time. I went home briefly, I messaged my bf in reply to his message asking how my day was at 12.20 and then I accidentally (and it really was an accident) left my phone at home while I quickly went to Costa to get myself some lunch (I don’t do this often just a treat as I was off for the day) When I got home I had a few messages from bf so I called him. He was fine but a little off with me, he then mentioned he had been in the area of the house in the afternoon but couldn’t let me know because I hadn’t responded to his messages, it was a random statement. He then questioned me about the gardener and it felt a bit off but then he changed the subject so I assumed he accepted what I had said. Later on I messaged him and said do you believe me about the gardener situation and he replied saying
“No I don't believe you but it's fine xxxxx
All morning I didn't hear from you from when he got to yours that’s suspicious xxxxx”
I replied saying I was at my friends house in the morning and didn’t have signal and then I went to Costa and left my phone at home. He said
“You were definitely shady today xxxxx you never forget your phone.”
I replied saying I did forget my phone. And I wasn’t being shady.
He said “It’s fine just be honest xxxxxxx I wont be bothered xxxxxx”
I replied saying I was being honest and then I sent him my driving app map as it shows where I’ve been in the day so showed that I had been at my friends in the morning. And I showed messages from someone I had bumped into at Costa as well.
Then out of no where he then says “I was only joking with you. I believe you. Just messing with you”

Now little things like this happen often where he back tracks but I don’t believe he was actually joking in this moment. I think he fully was trying to get me to admit something and didn’t believe me. And then when I provided proof he then backtracked so he didn’t look jealous!? Am I reading into this? Or was he actually joking!?

It’s little things like this happening often that are starting to make me feel a bit crazy. I know it’s only a small scenario but it’s often things like this happen and it makes me feel horrible being accused of things I haven’t done.

*the 2nd one. Get rid!

You're already walking on eggshells because of his demands, you worry about not having your phone on you al the time or whether there's a signal. Don't live like this, life's too short.

On the flip side, if I accidentally left my phone at home while I was out for an hour and my husband asked me about it, I might say "I was seeing my other boyfriend" and he would laugh and ask me if I had a nice time.

He doesn't trust you because he is tarring you with the brush that is applied to himself. There is no point with being with this man. It's only a matter of time before he's cheating again and it'll be your fault because he can't trust you round the gardener.

Leaveeeeee what a control freak will only get worse

Sounds like he is immature and jealous. Well hopefully immature and will grow up in time, not all do. He wasn’t joking, those are red flags.

As may have already been mentioned, research and commit to memory what DARVO means. You give numerous examples of him doing this. It's what narcissists do. For your peace and sanity, get rid of this man child. Then consider therapy to build yourself up and understand why you are questioning yourself with such a twerp.

He sounds batshit crazy, and is taking you along for the ride. You know you need to leave!

👆 exactly.

He’s a cheating, controlling, abusive arsehole. Dump. I went out with someone like this back in the day, he used to monitor my mileage on my car, check my phone regularly, accuse me of all sorts if I wore make up, matching underwear, a pair of trousers he thought were too tight… anything and everything. He escalated to hitting me and he definitely cheated, quite a lot I expect, but he did it once right in front of me to prove a point that if I was going to be a ‘dirty slag’, he could do worse. They never get better.

How old are you both?? 13??
This isn’t an adult relationship. He’s a controlling idiot and you need to get some self respect.

Presumably for similar reasons to why there are so many people still throwing around comments like yours. She's never experienced it before and clearly neither have you, or you'd already know the answer to your own question.

Don’t know if he’s ’joking’ you know him better than me…however, I’d leave ‘joking’ or otherwise he sounds despicable.

When I find out about him talking to another woman and kissing her he completely turned it around on me and from that moment on I’ve been on high alert and I’m wondering how long he’s been subtly doing this without me noticing. Then lately its been loads of these smalll scenarios which add up.

This is brilliant @Confusedlady600 . This proves that you can trust your instincts. Despite what those who've never experienced a gaslighting narcissist may think, the gradual creeping influence these manipulators have is very much a 'boiling frog' situation.

By the time most people realise what's happening, they've already had their minds bent out of shape and their judgement warped. I've been there as have so, so many.

In your case you've held onto his response from November and examined his behaviour in light of it all... and concluded for yourself that he's manipulating you. This time you needed external confirmation. But if there's a next time, you've already equipped yourself with the antennae you need to spot the red flags and run.

Have a great life without this miserable twat!

Good grief OP why are you still with this cheating loser? Raise the bar!

"My boyfriend and I have been absolutely fine and happy for a year and a half.

He cheated on me last November by kissing someone else. It broke me. When I found out he completely tried to turn it around on me..."

THIS would be enough to say he's a gaslighting prick and you should leave.

And you've not been "absolutely fine and happy for a year and a half" if he cheated on you three months ago.

Why do you feel like you need to justify leaving this abusive arsehole OP? You have only been with him for 18 months, he’s already cheated on you, he is monitoring your behaviour and making you walk on eggshells around him. So why are you putting up with it? What is he bringing to your life that is so amazing you are prepared to put up with this behaviour?

I posted this is another thread but the same stands for this one

Honestly there's literally daily threads at the moment where women are tolerating absolutely shitty men and constantly asking 'is it me who is wrong'
We really need to educate girls from a young age to know their worth and not settle for useless fuckers.
Being single is a million times better than accepting crap from one of these specimens.

Please OP and other ladies clinging onto these dickheads throwing a few crumbs, work on your self esteem and raise your bar so these twats don’t get a look in.

If you want to be miserable and controlled all your life, stay with him. I don’t remember hearing of anyone so obviously insecure and controlling.

Please leave it’ll only get harder to the longer you stay. 😕💕

A joke is supposed to be funny. Make you laugh.

Are you laughing? No. You are not.

Anyone who says ‘only joking’ when caught out in unkindness, unfounded accusations, generally twatty behaviour, isn’t ‘joking’ at all, they’re just covering their arse.

Bin him off and enjoy not being doubted and stalked all the time.