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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I going crazy? Little scenarios that my bf makes me feel like I’m going crazy

168 replies

Confusedlady600 · 05/02/2026 08:31

My boyfriend and I have been absolutely fine and happy for a year and a half.

He cheated on me last November by kissing someone else. It broke me. When I found out he completely tried to turn it around on me accused me of possibly speaking to another guy. There has been times he seems very jealous but then he back tracks on it. So if I go out with friends he messages me through out the evening and then has before asked me if I pulled!? He’s also been funny with me about my male gardener who he says in the past and before his cheating he thinks I fancy or I flirt with him, there isn’t we just get on.

I don’t need relationship advice I think I know what I need to do (leave) I just need advice on whether I’m going crazy or not or this is actually how I am seeing it.

So for example….
My boyfriend was working yesterday and I was off for the day. Yesterday the gardener came at 9am for his regular maintenance in garden, I said hi made him a tea and then went to my friends house for a coffee at 9.30 and was there until 12, she doesn’t have good signal in her area, so couldn’t message bf in that time. I went home briefly, I messaged my bf in reply to his message asking how my day was at 12.20 and then I accidentally (and it really was an accident) left my phone at home while I quickly went to Costa to get myself some lunch (I don’t do this often just a treat as I was off for the day) When I got home I had a few messages from bf so I called him. He was fine but a little off with me, he then mentioned he had been in the area of the house in the afternoon but couldn’t let me know because I hadn’t responded to his messages, it was a random statement. He then questioned me about the gardener and it felt a bit off but then he changed the subject so I assumed he accepted what I had said. Later on I messaged him and said do you believe me about the gardener situation and he replied saying
“No I don't believe you but it's fine xxxxx
All morning I didn't hear from you from when he got to yours that’s suspicious xxxxx”
I replied saying I was at my friends house in the morning and didn’t have signal and then I went to Costa and left my phone at home. He said
“You were definitely shady today xxxxx you never forget your phone.”
I replied saying I did forget my phone. And I wasn’t being shady.
He said “It’s fine just be honest xxxxxxx I wont be bothered xxxxxx”
I replied saying I was being honest and then I sent him my driving app map as it shows where I’ve been in the day so showed that I had been at my friends in the morning. And I showed messages from someone I had bumped into at Costa as well.
Then out of no where he then says “I was only joking with you. I believe you. Just messing with you”

Now little things like this happen often where he back tracks but I don’t believe he was actually joking in this moment. I think he fully was trying to get me to admit something and didn’t believe me. And then when I provided proof he then backtracked so he didn’t look jealous!? Am I reading into this? Or was he actually joking!?

It’s little things like this happening often that are starting to make me feel a bit crazy. I know it’s only a small scenario but it’s often things like this happen and it makes me feel horrible being accused of things I haven’t done.

OP posts:
senua · 05/02/2026 08:44

I don’t need relationship advice I think I know what I need to do (leave) I just need advice on whether I’m going crazy or not or this is actually how I am seeing it.
Why? Why do you need advice on whether you are going crazy or not.
Dump him and don't allow him any more head space.

Itsseweasy · 05/02/2026 08:50

You need to get away from this manipulative, jealous, lying, suspicious, emotional abuser right now.
Something in your childhood (usually parents) has made you put up with this behaviour and wonder if you should be blaming yourself for it somehow.
You need to work on yourself, learn what boundaries are and use them.
Don’t waste a moment more with this awful, awful person. He will not change and it will not get better. Take it from someone who knows.

InALonelyWorld · 05/02/2026 08:51

Another vote for absolutely LEAVE. I've been here OP, everything was blamed on me. From his mood and behaviour to his cheating and actions (or lack of). It was not a nice relationship and eroded a lot of self esteem i had. Cheating was excused by the reasons that I was likely doing the same and he just couldnt prove it (i was not). I, too, once left my phone at home by accident when I was in a rush to get to work, albeit we had been arguing over text and the break from it all was needed, but I was never able to live that down. I was accused of not going to work and instead being off having an affair, when I proved my movements he then spinned the narrative to I must have purposely chose to ignore him then because that was the part he knew i couldnt prove. It got to the point where I was having to almost record my entire movements and interactions on a daily basis, in great detail to verify everything but it still didnt stop. Any retaliation to this behaviour by me was also met with "it is fine", "I wouldnt be bothered anyways" which ultimately is probably true because it would only feed into and evidence his own narc narrative of what he expected of you anyways.

It took a long time for me to rebuild my self worth and to trust my own mind again, please make efforts to leave. It wont get any better.

Itsseweasy · 05/02/2026 08:52

Oh, and the wondering if you’re going crazy or not is called gaslighting. He’s probably a narcissist too.

Alltheusefulitems · 05/02/2026 08:55

You're not crazy but it won't get better and eventually you'll stay at home all day every day other than to go to work because it's not worth the hassle. You'll end up with no friends and unable to maintain normal relationships with your family members. He'll read your messages and need you to justify your conversations so you'll stop messaging people to keep the peace. He'll read your emails and dissect everything youve written and take it out of context.

End the relationship!

Original poster
Confusedlady600 · 05/02/2026 08:55

Thank you so much everyone for all your replies. I think I definitely knew what you all or saying but I just needed confirmation that I’m not over reacting or going crazy in thinking this isn’t normal behaviour.
When I find out about him talking to another woman and kissing her he completely turned it around on me and from that moment on I’ve been on high alert and I’m wondering how long he’s been subtly doing this without me noticing. Then lately its been loads of these smalll scenarios which add up.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 05/02/2026 08:56

That wasn't a joke. I know everyone has different humour but that was definitely an attempt to put you on edge and make you feel like you have to keep him updated on all your movements. It's coercive control.

Fulmine · 05/02/2026 08:57

Confusedlady600 · 05/02/2026 08:35

When he does things like this, is he actually joking!? Or is he just being controlling and jealous and then backtracking when I’ve provided proof of where I’ve been.

Show quote history

You know he isn't joking. You've accepted you need to leave him, don't waste any more brain space on him.

Bearbookagainandagain · 05/02/2026 08:57

He's a controlling twat so no, you're not going crazy.

Whenever you end up in the situation where you have to justify yourself for not answering chitchat for a few hours, know that you're never the problem.

Londontown12 · 05/02/2026 08:57

He isn't Joking !!!
What happens when u have NO proof of his made up wrongdoing ??.
This man is manipulative and he has cheated so he is tarring you with the same brush throw this one back x

This2shallpas · 05/02/2026 08:59

This man hasn’t only kissed someone. His level of jealousy and paranoia around the idea of you cheating suggests he has probably slept with a few women during your relationship.

I’d be shocked if it was really just a kiss with one woman.

He is clearly trying to keep the focus off you and put it back on to you as a distraction when he’s the one who has form for infidelity.

Obviously leave him.

Redflagsabounded · 05/02/2026 08:59

He's an abusive arsehole.

Don't waste your time trying to make any sense of what he says and does beyond that. It's all part of his tactics to keep you on your back foot.

You say you know what to do - so do it.

Fulmine · 05/02/2026 09:00

I'd honestly be tempted to tell him that you'd had an exhausting day bonking the gardener, who is way better in bed than he is. After all, he's said it's fine and he won't be bothered, so you took him at his word.

RightOnTheEdge · 05/02/2026 09:01

Dump him immediately before you get in any deeper and he messes with your head even more. He is controlling and manipulating you.
He should have been gone the second he cheated on you and didn’t beg your forgiveness and turned it around on you!

You shouldn't be messaging him trying to convince him about where you were and sending him maps, you should be saying HOW FUCKING DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF LYING!?

You say you know you need to finish it so just do it right now. Do not question yourself any more. Do not try to defend yourself when he inevitably accuses you of leaving him for the gardener or some other imaginary man. Do not listen to any other manipulative bullshit!
Just dump and block!

Itsseweasy · 05/02/2026 09:02

Confusedlady600 · 05/02/2026 08:55

Thank you so much everyone for all your replies. I think I definitely knew what you all or saying but I just needed confirmation that I’m not over reacting or going crazy in thinking this isn’t normal behaviour.
When I find out about him talking to another woman and kissing her he completely turned it around on me and from that moment on I’ve been on high alert and I’m wondering how long he’s been subtly doing this without me noticing. Then lately its been loads of these smalll scenarios which add up.

Classic narcissist move making his infidelity all your fault!
Trouble is, he now knows he can treat you like shit and you’ll still do anything you can to stay with him.
So are you going to end it with him OP?
Because you sound like you’re saying all the right things but will still stay.

Katemax82 · 05/02/2026 09:02

He sounds awful. No I don't think you are crazy

nothingtoseehereatall · 05/02/2026 09:06

He cheated on you, tried to blame/ reverse it on you, consistently accuses you of lying.. I mean come on OP, it doesn't matter whether or not he is joking (he's not) - he's a piece of shit and you need to dump him IMMEDIATELY and move on.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 05/02/2026 09:06

When my boyfriend was cheating on me he accused me of doing the same and was constantly checking up on me if I was out on a night out without him, checking I was home at a certain time but he said it in a way that he was concerned about me and my safety. I know now since he admitted cheating that he was trying to deflect from his own cheating.

LavenderBlue19 · 05/02/2026 09:07

You shouldn't need to send someone map evidence to show where you've been. You are allowed to not answer messages, to leave your phone at home, to go wherever and speak to whoever you want.

You are not crazy, but you need to end this. You already know he's cheated, why stay? You don't need to put up with this. Think how much easier your life will be when you don't have to justify yourself, or worry about how he'll take things.

viques · 05/02/2026 09:07

🚩X 100.

INeedAnotherName · 05/02/2026 09:08

He isn't joking. But would you really stay if we all said he was? His behaviour is making you unsure, unsettled and unhappy. All are good reasons to leave a relationship. Just walk and don't look back.

orangemapleleaves · 05/02/2026 09:09

Leave. He will cheat again, guaranteed. He thinks you're cheating because he assumes everyone is as slippery as he is. He's already hurt you once, and that's one you know about. Leave.

Gloopsy · 05/02/2026 09:10

Why does it matter?

You say in the OP that you know the answer is to leave.

Why waste your (and our) time with dissecting it all?

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 05/02/2026 09:12

InALonelyWorld · 05/02/2026 08:51

Another vote for absolutely LEAVE. I've been here OP, everything was blamed on me. From his mood and behaviour to his cheating and actions (or lack of). It was not a nice relationship and eroded a lot of self esteem i had. Cheating was excused by the reasons that I was likely doing the same and he just couldnt prove it (i was not). I, too, once left my phone at home by accident when I was in a rush to get to work, albeit we had been arguing over text and the break from it all was needed, but I was never able to live that down. I was accused of not going to work and instead being off having an affair, when I proved my movements he then spinned the narrative to I must have purposely chose to ignore him then because that was the part he knew i couldnt prove. It got to the point where I was having to almost record my entire movements and interactions on a daily basis, in great detail to verify everything but it still didnt stop. Any retaliation to this behaviour by me was also met with "it is fine", "I wouldnt be bothered anyways" which ultimately is probably true because it would only feed into and evidence his own narc narrative of what he expected of you anyways.

It took a long time for me to rebuild my self worth and to trust my own mind again, please make efforts to leave. It wont get any better.

I agree with all of this. My boyfriend was jealous and controlling yet he’d justify this behaviour to me. My best friend at the time found out and warned me to be careful but I’d never had a jealous boyfriend before and thought I could handle it. I ended up in a right state, I had eczema flare ups on the back of my knees caused by stress (it went away after we broke up) and I had to see a counsellor and have Prozac after we broke up as I kept on crying and my confidence was on the floor. My best male friend saddled me why I didn’t tell him about this behaviour and I admitted that I just couldn’t tell him about it. That’s what these men do, erode your confidence and leave you at rock bottom whilst controlling you. I even had him try to dictate what I wore and to try to dress more like his mum in coordinating outfits.

nevertoolater · 05/02/2026 09:12

When he says ‘just messing with you’, he’s telling the truth! He’s messing with your head in order to keep you insecure and twitchy all the time. That’s not a healthy relationship on any level. Sorry OP.

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