Am I going crazy? Little scenarios that my bf makes me feel like I’m going crazy

[Confusedlady600]

My boyfriend and I have been absolutely fine and happy for a year and a half.

He cheated on me last November by kissing someone else. It broke me. When I found out he completely tried to turn it around on me accused me of possibly speaking to another guy. There has been times he seems very jealous but then he back tracks on it. So if I go out with friends he messages me through out the evening and then has before asked me if I pulled!? He’s also been funny with me about my male gardener who he says in the past and before his cheating he thinks I fancy or I flirt with him, there isn’t we just get on.

I don’t need relationship advice I think I know what I need to do (leave) I just need advice on whether I’m going crazy or not or this is actually how I am seeing it.

So for example….
My boyfriend was working yesterday and I was off for the day. Yesterday the gardener came at 9am for his regular maintenance in garden, I said hi made him a tea and then went to my friends house for a coffee at 9.30 and was there until 12, she doesn’t have good signal in her area, so couldn’t message bf in that time. I went home briefly, I messaged my bf in reply to his message asking how my day was at 12.20 and then I accidentally (and it really was an accident) left my phone at home while I quickly went to Costa to get myself some lunch (I don’t do this often just a treat as I was off for the day) When I got home I had a few messages from bf so I called him. He was fine but a little off with me, he then mentioned he had been in the area of the house in the afternoon but couldn’t let me know because I hadn’t responded to his messages, it was a random statement. He then questioned me about the gardener and it felt a bit off but then he changed the subject so I assumed he accepted what I had said. Later on I messaged him and said do you believe me about the gardener situation and he replied saying
“No I don't believe you but it's fine xxxxx
All morning I didn't hear from you from when he got to yours that’s suspicious xxxxx”
I replied saying I was at my friends house in the morning and didn’t have signal and then I went to Costa and left my phone at home. He said
“You were definitely shady today xxxxx you never forget your phone.”
I replied saying I did forget my phone. And I wasn’t being shady.
He said “It’s fine just be honest xxxxxxx I wont be bothered xxxxxx”
I replied saying I was being honest and then I sent him my driving app map as it shows where I’ve been in the day so showed that I had been at my friends in the morning. And I showed messages from someone I had bumped into at Costa as well.
Then out of no where he then says “I was only joking with you. I believe you. Just messing with you”

Now little things like this happen often where he back tracks but I don’t believe he was actually joking in this moment. I think he fully was trying to get me to admit something and didn’t believe me. And then when I provided proof he then backtracked so he didn’t look jealous!? Am I reading into this? Or was he actually joking!?

It’s little things like this happening often that are starting to make me feel a bit crazy. I know it’s only a small scenario but it’s often things like this happen and it makes me feel horrible being accused of things I haven’t done.

Sorry that sounds like a head wreck.
I'm with my husband 27 years and I have never, ever had a conversation with him like that. If he doesn't trust you now, when he has no reason not to, that's A - on him an B - not going to go away. Everything else is just a front of him pretending everything is ok but it keeps coming back to his deep insecurity about you doing the dirt on him because his own self esteem is the issue.
See it how it is, accept it or move on.
Personally I'd be moving on as I wouldn't have the energy or interest to be constantly reassuring someone or worrying about how my behaviour is making them feel on a given hour.
Some people mistake this behaviour as jealousy or love but it's insecurity and can lead to controlling behaviour so I'd be wary.

He’s being controlling. You’re not crazy. Don’t question yourself. Just leave.

My husband jokes about me having a good time with "man's name" when I go out or come home but I know he is joking and he has never probed me about what I do or checked up on me etc. I have never had fo question if he is being serious, which suggests to me if you aren't sure then your bf is definitely being serious.

Yes, this. Maybe reply "Yes, I was shagging the gardener all morning, it was great!" and if he's pissed off, tell him you were just joking.

Obviously dump and run...

Glad you are feeling more confident in recognising that this relationship is not healthy. Never in my 35 years with my DH has he questioned where I am and, if he’s not been able to reach me because I’ve left my phone at home, his response would be that he had been worried about me as I am usually quick to respond and a teasing reminder every time I leave the house for a few days, as he doesn’t like me to be out driving without a means to call for help.

I hope you can see you deserve better than this man. The honeymoon phase is over and he is ramping up the control. It will only get worse if you stay.

Of course he's not joking! A joke by it's very nature implies humour. There is nothing funny about what he's doing/saying.

Stop jumping through hoops for this controlling weirdo. You may not have left your phone at home on purpose, but even if you did you're entitled to do that.

Why do you need to be contactable and at his beck and call every second of the day?! You shouldn't be explaining yourself to him, you should be packing a bag (or his), or making plans to leave/get him out. Red flags everywhere.

Don't waste any more time with this loser.
Also do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Why would you have bothered with someone who has cheated on you?
Wasting your time?

@Confusedlady600

DARVO is a manipulative tactic, an acronym for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender, commonly used by abusers to evade accountability. When confronted with wrongdoing, the perpetrator denies the behavior, attacks the person confronting them, and reverses roles to claim they are the true victim.
Key Aspects of DARVO

• Deny: The perpetrator denies that the abuse or harmful behavior occurred.
• Attack: The perpetrator attacks the individual or group calling them to account, often by questioning their credibility, mental stability, or motives.
• Reverse Victim and Offender: The perpetrator acts as the victim, claiming they are being falsely accused or harassed, while the actual victim is cast as the aggressor
• .

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If you don’t know the answer to this, it is probably unsafe for you to date.

Your boyfriend is being controlling and manipulative to try and make you feel like you are "crazy" or misreading things.

He wants proof of where you have been when HE was the one who cheated? Classic projection.

Please leave him, for your sake.

He's being exactly this.
He's exhausting.

If your friend was in a relationship with someone like this, what would you tell her?

Aaaahhhh.. that sounds crap OP. You deserve better. He'll make you paranoid, insane and double-guessing yourself over every thing if you stay with him. I'm sorry. What an arse he is.

No, he's not joking but you've proved him wrong so he's covering his tracks to save face. And avoid you being in the right and him being in the wrong.

You should end this relationship. You are worth more than this. Find someone who loves and respects you or stay single. Both are better options than being a punchbag for a jealously insecure idiot.

He's not joking.

I had a boyfriend like this his once. Horribly insecure, would "joke" that I was obviously getting ready to run off with anyone I made any form of eye contact with, that if I went to work and the male supervisor was on shift I'd be "getting lucky" and so on.

Eventually I did actually kiss someone else, because I'd gotten to the point that if I was being accused of it, why not actually have some fun? And the lack of guilt I felt made me realise I wasn't happy with him. I finally dumped him, and then found out he'd been seeing someone else behind my back. Made a lot of sense.

too much work, just get rid

Oh gosh, don't stay with this wally! You will never be happy and he will never change.
I am getting on a bit now, but I simply could not be bothered to constantly explain myself or justify what I have been doing. I had a boyfriend like this many years ago and it was exhausting! You don't have to put up with this.

I should also add, like other people have said. When I had a boyfriend like this, he cheated on me constantly behind my back! After I left I found out there were a whole string of other women. Rather than deal with his own guilt it was easier to deflect it on to me and act like I was the guilty one!

I don't think it's normal to need to be communicating with someone 24/7 in order for them to believe you're not cheating on them.

God, I could not be arsed with that kind of relationship. Who has the time for endless texting/messaging and work and kids?! Having to send pointless messages to someone every half hour would drive me insane.

Get rid of this pointless f**ker. He doesnt seem to have any redeeming features at all

He’s done a number on you. It’s okay to forget your phone and to purposefully leave it at home while you get coffee. You can go to Costa twice a day if you want to.

You’ve justified both of these things to strangers on the internet (“I honestly did forget”, “I don’t do this often”). Neither action requires apology or explanation.

op, you know its ok to be single right? you dont have to put up with nonsense just to be in a relationship. it was exhausting reading your op, cant imagine living in it. get rid of him asap

No - he’s not joking. He’s saying what’s actually going through his mind, gauging your reaction and then passing it off as a joke if he thinks he’s outed himself as the controlling and jealous arsehole he clearly is. OP this is the tip of the iceberg. It will get worse with time, he will isolate you from friends and family until he controls every aspect of your movements. The fact that you felt obliged to show him your tracker to prove where you’d been is really concerning, as is your eagerness to tell randoms on the internet that you really did genuinely forget your phone when you went to Costa. He’s already conditioning you and you don’t even realise it. I don’t normally jump straight to LTB, but in this case, I’m sorry but I’d be dumping him and not looking back. Big red flags everywhere.

I haven’t read all the posts so not sure if anyone else has already said anything similar to this, so sorry if it’s a repeat!

I had a serious relationship when I was younger, and he was very much like what you have described. It got worse and worse and worse over time and ended up in full on emotional abuse. I questioned everything, was constantly anxious, every little thing I did got scrutinised. It was absolutely awful. I just wanted to give you my story so that you have a idea of where this could lead too.

some small amount of insecurity is, in my opinion, somewhat normal for some people. my husband has deep rooted insecurities, and every now and then he’ll sit down and ask me if I still love him etc, I reassure him, we move on. It’s just part of who he is but he is never manipulating or horrible about it. I think that’s the stark difference. It doesn’t fill me with anxiety; he just needs a bit of loving reassurance. What your partner is doing is not this; it’s manipulation and it will potentially spiral out of control.

sending you love - it’s easy for people to say to leave him but harder to do in practice when you love someone, but I would honestly tell myself to get out quickly if I could go back in time to my younger self.

Run op. He’s cheating on you, I’d say as often as he can, and trying to keep you scared and compliant.

you say I’ve never cheated on you and I know you know that, your comments are all just bullshit because you enjoy making me feel bad. I’ve been thinking about it and I’m confident you’re cheating, more than that one time I caught you. I deserve a man who values and loves me and you’re neither, we are done.

You need to leave. Based on what I had read so far, it was enough for me to think he's bad for you, before I even got to the example and I stopped reading after that .

Your boyfriend is looking for exudes to cheat. He'll never stop this, because he has a roving eye.

The way he legitimises his cheating is by accusing you of doing the same, even though it's not true.

That will result in you having to bend over backwards in order to be be seen as 'good', whilst he keeps you on the edge the whole time, under the threat that if you step out of line, he will cheat.

See how manipulative that is?