Am I going crazy? Little scenarios that my bf makes me feel like I’m going crazy

[Confusedlady600]

My boyfriend and I have been absolutely fine and happy for a year and a half.

He cheated on me last November by kissing someone else. It broke me. When I found out he completely tried to turn it around on me accused me of possibly speaking to another guy. There has been times he seems very jealous but then he back tracks on it. So if I go out with friends he messages me through out the evening and then has before asked me if I pulled!? He’s also been funny with me about my male gardener who he says in the past and before his cheating he thinks I fancy or I flirt with him, there isn’t we just get on.

I don’t need relationship advice I think I know what I need to do (leave) I just need advice on whether I’m going crazy or not or this is actually how I am seeing it.

So for example….
My boyfriend was working yesterday and I was off for the day. Yesterday the gardener came at 9am for his regular maintenance in garden, I said hi made him a tea and then went to my friends house for a coffee at 9.30 and was there until 12, she doesn’t have good signal in her area, so couldn’t message bf in that time. I went home briefly, I messaged my bf in reply to his message asking how my day was at 12.20 and then I accidentally (and it really was an accident) left my phone at home while I quickly went to Costa to get myself some lunch (I don’t do this often just a treat as I was off for the day) When I got home I had a few messages from bf so I called him. He was fine but a little off with me, he then mentioned he had been in the area of the house in the afternoon but couldn’t let me know because I hadn’t responded to his messages, it was a random statement. He then questioned me about the gardener and it felt a bit off but then he changed the subject so I assumed he accepted what I had said. Later on I messaged him and said do you believe me about the gardener situation and he replied saying
“No I don't believe you but it's fine xxxxx
All morning I didn't hear from you from when he got to yours that’s suspicious xxxxx”
I replied saying I was at my friends house in the morning and didn’t have signal and then I went to Costa and left my phone at home. He said
“You were definitely shady today xxxxx you never forget your phone.”
I replied saying I did forget my phone. And I wasn’t being shady.
He said “It’s fine just be honest xxxxxxx I wont be bothered xxxxxx”
I replied saying I was being honest and then I sent him my driving app map as it shows where I’ve been in the day so showed that I had been at my friends in the morning. And I showed messages from someone I had bumped into at Costa as well.
Then out of no where he then says “I was only joking with you. I believe you. Just messing with you”

Now little things like this happen often where he back tracks but I don’t believe he was actually joking in this moment. I think he fully was trying to get me to admit something and didn’t believe me. And then when I provided proof he then backtracked so he didn’t look jealous!? Am I reading into this? Or was he actually joking!?

It’s little things like this happening often that are starting to make me feel a bit crazy. I know it’s only a small scenario but it’s often things like this happen and it makes me feel horrible being accused of things I haven’t done.

This is probably all deliberate to keep you unsettled and compliant. I think this is what Andrew Tate recommends to keep intelligent women under control.
You have had this explained to you several times now I/we hope that you have a plan to disconnect from this wannabe Epstein.

Run - and run fast.

“I was only joking with you. I believe you. Just messing with you”

it will continue, you'll have to keep proving to him what you are telling him is true, this will dull the fire (jealousy) and then the next time the fire (jealousy) inside him will start to burn again and the same thing will happen as the fire starts to roar

Him telling you its a joke is to cover the burns up on his insides, he doesn't want to show you the many burns he has, as he keeps stating fires

you proving to him youre truthful will not build trust, he will keep starting fires and you'll have to keep putting them out - until you can't

Yep! This sums it up.
Adult enough to have a gardener so surely adult enough to kick this left-over from school days into touch. He’s pathetic and pulling you down.

Get rid! Get rid soon and free yourself because it’ll only get worse.

No he isn’t joking with you. He knows how easy it was for him to cheat without a thought for the relationship & he’s assuming you’re cut from the same scumbag cloth as him & will do the same as he did.

he should be distraught at his own mistake, desperate to put it right, whatever it takes for you to feel okay again as the wronged party, instead he’s accusing, deflecting & hassling you. It doesn’t get better in my experience. Your instincts are right. He doesn’t deserve this second chance.

Quoting myself just to pop this link here to the ad I mentioned

www.instagram.com/reel/DTQgdPtDG5-/?igsh=Z3o0aGMzcml2ajhp

One day you will look back with astonishment that you wasted a minute more time with this idiot.

Op I actually want to add - when I was in my 20s I had a real pull to men like this - because of my own family. background ( I would recommend having some therapy if you think that might be influencing your decisions in relationships)

What I learnt after shifting this dynamic - and making much better choices - is that there really is no need to be in relationships with men like this. They are actually total losers - because of unhealthy attachment/ the mans abusive behaciour - you begin to think they are attractive and you want to try and make it work

I am now with a man who has never in his life behaved like this - there are so many good men out there, just move on you will be so relieved.

Besides from the obvious abusive gaslighting and controlling behaviour, doesn’t all of his insecurity and neediness and accusations give you the ick??

i can’t stand insecure men even if they’re not cheats. But this one? He sounds pathetic.

get rid. And get with the gardener 😜

He is a twat. You don’t need to try and understand him. You don’t need to get in his head and work him out. He is an idiot and you need to leave him and move on.

He’s not joking. You are correct, it’s controlling behaviour but designed to make you doubt yourself. You are right to split with him.

How on earth can you say you’ve been happy for a year and a half with all that going on??? Thankfully it looks like you’ve taken off the rose tinted specs and seeing him for the twat he is. Run.

Lastly what does he mean that he doesn't believe you but 'it's fine' and 'he wouldn't be bothered'...is he really saying he doesn't care if you cheat? I think what's happening here is he cheats and judges you by his own standards of behaviour

Exactly. He sounds awful. Stop trying to analyse why he did these things. He's clearly not a very nice person, so it doesn't matter, split up with him and start living your life. I presume you had a house (with gardening man!) and a job and aren't financially dependent on him, so just tell him.

You are right to leave. This guy clearly has no trust in you and that's not through any fault of yours. The gardening and coffee day sounds like a normal day off. This is the tip of the iceberg. This loser will continue to question you and make your world smaller. This isn't how healthy relationships work and you're better off without him for sure.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🏃‍♀️‍➡️

No, he's not joking. He's manipulating you. He's an awful person, but you know that. Get out before this controlling behaviour escalates.

He's not joking , he doesn't trust you because he is projecting his own personality onto you. He cheated but he's making it out like you're guilty not him . Dump him things won't get any better.

Weird kind of 'joke'. Insecure pathetic little 'men' do this just to mess with you. You are not going crazy.

You are not going crazy. You need to get away from this man.

I just want you to read back the first two sentences of your post and realise what a ridiculous contradiction that is.

This isn't a mature, healthy relationship. He's insecure, passive aggressive and controlling. Surely you know that.

I'm not the kind of person who immediately jumps to 'LTB' on any and every post about relationships, but I have to wonder why you're even with this guy.

You shouldn't have to provide proof of anything in a loving and respectful relationship. Raise your standards and dump this controlling weirdo. It will not get better than this.

You say you know that you need to end this. The sooner the better. Every day he is eroding your self esteem, making you doubt yourself, forcing you to go to silly lengths to prove you're not lying or cheating. Why do you even care whether he believes you? You're going to read your OP in a few weeks and think "How the hell did I ever let that wanker mess with me like that?"

Its always the one making cheating accusations that is doing the cheating!
He has probably cheated more than that kiss.
Run and never look back. He sounds gross.

I got to line 6 and knew I didn't have to read any more. Dump him. Be single which is better than being with a gaslighting arse.

Leave now before he takes whatever scraps of self respect you are throwing out the window, Why do women keep doing this? A rhetorical question