Husband’s business, baby - do I need to be more resilient?

[NurtureGrow]

Hello,

Im hoping for advice, especially from those whose partners have businesses, or have one themselves.

We have a 15 month old. My husband handed in his notice on his full-time job last summer, it was a 3 month notice period. He left in the autumn to start his business. Around the same time, I was made redundant and never went back after maternity leave. It was too late at that point for him to stay in his job.

The money I got from redundancy would have lasted 8 months. As he hasn’t had income yet from the business, I had to pay all bills and the money is almost gone after 4 months. We will basically run out of money at the end of this month. I’m sure we can sort it out.. hopefully.. he is hoping to get a small amount of investment and I am urgently looking for work. I had hoped to return to work max 4 days a week, but due to our financial situation, may need to do 5.. (I know not everyone can do less days.) I need to find a job at the same salary as before, or higher. I was hoping to do something less stressful.

I agreed he could try the business for 1 year, what I am wondering is, do I need to be more resilient? I feel this time should be for enjoying our baby/family and seeing family. But instead we have this pressure on us. I do try to support him; I proofread, discuss, do what I can. But sometimes I feel down/grumpy. He feels we will be better off financially if this works, as don’t have savings now.

I feel I’m meant to hold space for our baby, for him, and take responsibility of getting a higher salary again myself. I don’t have family to talk to or offer consistent support.. I’d just really like to build our life together, not have pressure for something that may happen in the future.

The question and problem:

YABU - yes, you need to be more resilient, people do this all the time. Focus on supporting him. This is the nature of supporting your partner with a business.

YANBU - it’s understandable you are finding this hard. It’s too much to do at once. It should be put on hold for an until your baby is bigger, so you can better enjoy the present

He left his job to start a business while you were on Mat leave? Madness.

What is the business, is it generating any income? If not, it's an unpaid hobby.

You both need to find paid work.

He needs to be bringing in money, even if his time is split 50/50 with his business.

Be realistic, he's been doing it for six months now. Do you see actual signs that it will pick up soon? Have you looked at the numbers?

He should have started his Buisness, alongside his paid employment and slowly grown it, whilst still bringing in a wage - particularly with the Matt Leave.

I think you both need to be realistic.

His timing stinks, but as you are in this situation, already you need to both be looking at getting paid work, and if his new business venture isn't yet making money it might be best to put it on a back burner.

Talk about making life harder.

Sounds as if he unilaterally decided to take his own version of mat leave himself! This must be very difficult.

You both need to find paid work. He needs to grow the business alongside his paid work until he has enough business work to replace his paid work. He should not have left his paid work before he knew his business took off. His business is currently an unpaid hobby.

I’m sorry, the time to start a business isn’t now. Your husband should be looking for a full time job now, you shouldn’t be carrying everyone.

He can build his business on the side whilst working. He’s a father, he needs to think of the wider family. It’s worrying he can’t see that.

How many months/years income did he save before he quit his job as a buffer?

Presumably when you agreed to give his business a year, you had paid mat leave and a job to return to. Now neither of those things are true.
You seem to be keen to be your DHs cheerleader, he should also be yours. He needs to get a job, any job - now and run the business alongside it.
Unfortunately you also need to get a job and tbh getting a new job anything less than full time would be challenging anyway.
Stop expecting this to be a magical period. Your H is being an arse and things need to change asap.

Indeed.

Im generally unimpressed with this kind of nonsense.

Wtf was he thinking? While you were pregnant /on mat leave?
Half the women i know were made redundant while on or just after mat leave.

And Why now? Why not 2 years ago or in 2 year why right now?
What was it that meant he had the burning desire to start a business that just. couldnt. be quelled at the precise moment that not working 70+ hrs per week on a start up would have been incredibly useful and at a time you actually needed him and were probably at your most vulnerable...

Let me guess you do close to 100% of everything at home and with the baby because... "my business".

Anyone i know who has done this successfully started it as a side hustle and had 1-2k pm coming in before thry ditched their paye.
Thry had proof of concept and an income.

Whats the total income and net profit since last summer?

This isn't about him being a man and hating on men.... its about deciding to pursue "a dream" and opt out of responsibility moments after opting INTO responsibility.
Its not okay.

I worked the WORST paye job of my life for a year post mat leave (i have had some shit jobs) because we needed the income and the tech market is in the shitter. You are taking a real risk of never working again if you leave without somewhere to go.
I hated it, it physically effected me but I waited, got a new job and i did it for my children and my husband.....my family. To whom I have a responsibility...

And....Why is the money only lasting 4 months? Presumably he had a financial plan and made provision for the fact he would not have strong income for 6 months or so.
.. surely he isnt bringing in ZERO?

If so you need to revisit. You said 1 yr when you had a job... there is no cash coming in and you have a child you both need paye jobs now now.

He would have left his job, 1 month after I went back to work (if I’d not been made redundant.)

I know I need to find paid work asap.. he has some funding hopefully coming this month. My question is do I need to be more resilient, people support their partners starting businesses all the time, but I find the pressure on us difficult.

I don't think this is a case of you needing to be more resilient but your husband needing to be more realistic.

As pp have said you don't quit your job and start a business. You start a business then gradually reduce your other job. You plan to make no profit for x months. And you don't do this when your partner is on mat leave.

Ia his business actually viable, because none of the decisions he has made so far, sound like he's thought this through. What's his solution, other than you to earn more? If you put your toddler in nursery, who's going to do all pick ups and drop offs and sick days? As that's tricky with a new job.

He’s been full-time for 3 months. It’s the kind of business which needs funding, then he develops a product. So the business plan is expecting funding, but not to sell anything for sometime. He does have options for funding and will hopefully get some.

His experience was working alongside the business meant people wouldn’t invest, as he didn’t look serious about it.

And no, pretty much everyone would find this stressful. It's a horrible situation and a normal human reaction to find it stressful (and lots of people would feel resentful as well)

There's nothing wrong with your resilience, I couldn't cope with that financial instability with a baby.
Is there a reason your DH can't get a paid job and work on the business? That's how most people have to start unless they have a rich family to fund them. Even if he just does something like part time evening work in a bar whilst working on the business during the day.

I thought it was close after I returned to leave his job. I knew it was a transition for me to return, but I was trying to be supportive of him. Naturally, we didn’t expected me to be made redundant, almost same month he left his job.

If anything you need to be less resilient, if resilience is plastering on a smile and pretending you aren’t scared about how the bills get paid.
If he wasn’t your DH, would you say the business has a realistic chance of success?
You both wanted something- him to be Billy big balls and run his own business and you to (not unreasonably) spend some nice time with your new baby. Your redundancy was a curveball, but even if you were still in your old job presumably you may have had to go back earlier than you wanted to.
You both have dreams, why does his trump yours?

Thank you, this is what I wonder. Do I need to carry all, should I, and am I not being resilient enough. He knows if he doesn’t get funding soon, he will have to get a job again. He was expecting funding in December, but it didn’t come through.

I actually think you are UNDER reacting here.

Because I had been on maternity leave (and he paid all in the last months) he didn’t really have money saved. I thought he would have some savings, but he didn’t. The expectation was I would cover all costs when I returned to work. But unfortunately I was made redundant.

Im doing my best to get work asap.

He is a good person, usually responsible, always worked.

So whilst you were on maternity leave he decides to start his own business, why did he think that starting a business was a good idea when you're having a baby?

You're now looking for work to support the family as his business making any money (which many don't in the first year or two) so that you can pay the bills

You need to sit down and decide how you are going to work as a team, what is he bringing in and how long is he going to give this business idea?

he didn’t really have money saved. I thought he would have some savings, but he didn’t. The expectation was I would cover all costs when I returned to work

You say the expectation - was this not thrashed out and talked about?

Where these joint decisions?

How come you didn't know how much savings he had - your supposed to be a team, married and having a baby - surely this is the time to be transparent with each other and know whats happening

I feel like much of life, and whether it’s a “success” financially and otherwise is about timing. Yes, it’s about WHAT we do, but sometimes it’s more about WHEN we do it.

For example, whilst it’s out of people’s control, finding a spouse earlier in adult life tends to lead to better financial footing (getting on the housing ladder younger, joining finances earlier etc).

Starting a business is like this. You either do it before kids, or after kids. Not DURING the young kids stage, especially if the woman is going on mat leave and hoping to be a SAHM (presumably that was discussed). It’s exactly the wrong timing.

He needs to find another job and park his business for a few more years.

Im trying to cheerlead to support him. But I’m questioning how resilient I can be whilst feeling stressed myself.

What's this "funding" he's referring too? Where is it meant to be coming from?