Husband’s business, baby - do I need to be more resilient?

[NurtureGrow]

Hello,

Im hoping for advice, especially from those whose partners have businesses, or have one themselves.

We have a 15 month old. My husband handed in his notice on his full-time job last summer, it was a 3 month notice period. He left in the autumn to start his business. Around the same time, I was made redundant and never went back after maternity leave. It was too late at that point for him to stay in his job.

The money I got from redundancy would have lasted 8 months. As he hasn’t had income yet from the business, I had to pay all bills and the money is almost gone after 4 months. We will basically run out of money at the end of this month. I’m sure we can sort it out.. hopefully.. he is hoping to get a small amount of investment and I am urgently looking for work. I had hoped to return to work max 4 days a week, but due to our financial situation, may need to do 5.. (I know not everyone can do less days.) I need to find a job at the same salary as before, or higher. I was hoping to do something less stressful.

I agreed he could try the business for 1 year, what I am wondering is, do I need to be more resilient? I feel this time should be for enjoying our baby/family and seeing family. But instead we have this pressure on us. I do try to support him; I proofread, discuss, do what I can. But sometimes I feel down/grumpy. He feels we will be better off financially if this works, as don’t have savings now.

I feel I’m meant to hold space for our baby, for him, and take responsibility of getting a higher salary again myself. I don’t have family to talk to or offer consistent support.. I’d just really like to build our life together, not have pressure for something that may happen in the future.

The question and problem:

YABU - yes, you need to be more resilient, people do this all the time. Focus on supporting him. This is the nature of supporting your partner with a business.

YANBU - it’s understandable you are finding this hard. It’s too much to do at once. It should be put on hold for an until your baby is bigger, so you can better enjoy the present

what kind of business is it, not financial planning i hope?

Of course it was utter madness for him to do that until you had gone back and re-established yourself.

That is all water under the bridge. He needs to find a new job, and so do you. Good luck.

I’ll put this out there. My DB is starting his own business soon (coffee van). He knows he really needs 2 vans to make a profit. He has a business partner though. His current job has caused his hands/wrists to get carpel tunnel syndrome for which he needs an operation this year so he has to quit that job. Luckily his DW earns enough for mortgage and bills but not for nursery for their 2 year old.

They have little or no savings left now too but my DB is being supported in this by his DW. He has no other options apart from filming tv work but most of this is long hours or far from home and that’s no good with a young family.

And no you don’t need to be more resilient.

Just because he gets emotional about not succeeding doesn’t mean:

1. you can’t get emotional about him not succeeding, and
2. your family has to pander to his emotions

He expected funding in December. It didn’t arrive. You have no money left. He simply MUST go back to work and try again in a year or two when you have saved money, he has a proper business plan and plan to QUICKLY get investment.

you are right to feel how you do because HE is the one who is being unreasonable.

Thank you @CatherinedeBourgh for your very helpful reply.

I invest in start-ups and no one will fund a business that is not a full time occupation for at least one person, so unless he has a realistic prospect of grant funding there is no 'doing it alongside a job' option.

This is what I understand. He’s in several incubators, and has letters of intention from several key companies.

The funding would be public (not UK) and private. I think he’s close to securing. He’s also hoping to secure regional funding in the area where the business will be. I think it can be a success, that’s why continuing currently.

Thank you for everyone else’s replies, I’ll have to come back later

He’s a moron for leaving his job without an up and running business that is already generating income and projected growth to cover his part of the household expenses.

Dh left his job when dd was 4 months old and I was on mat leave. He decided when she was probably about a month old that he couldn’t cope much longer. He drew up a business plan and we discussed how we’d make it work in the transition period. He spent 3 months working FT at his job and then coming home and doing all the start up for the business 6pm-midnight with dd strapped to him in a sling. He worked probably 60 hour weeks those few months.

So that when his notice period was up and he left his job, he had already replaced his salary. He earned more than his previous salary that first year and that business turns over close to £100k a month 12 years later. He needs to be making money. Otherwise it’s a hobby. He can work in employment while still building his business.

If he’s not yet at the stage of attracting funding, he still needs to be making money. Start ups are great for single tech bros or heirs to titles, but normal people have bills to pay and need to be working unless they saved a substantial buffer to cover this period.

The business is started, you have the baby. It is what it is.
you have no choice but to be resilient, Op.
Think of the pioneers one hundred years ago.

You need to support each other for a good two years and give the business a great chance - or you will never forgive yourselves if you give up now.

Find a job. Call on all help offered by parents etc.
DH buys or borrows a mower and he starts a lawn mowing side hustle. He also is the main child carer if you go back to work (unless he has funding and is over worked by then)

This is absolute madness. He needs to do Uber or deliveroo in the evenings if he's ✨ not allowed✨ a day job. He needs to provide financially to the family.

You keep talking about funding OP. I realise you are repeating the words your OH is using, but realistically, we are not in a financial atmosphere where individuals or financial institutions have a lot of spare money to invest in new start ups by middle aged wannabe but untested and inexperienced entrepreneurs who don’t , according to what you have said, even have a product or service available to sell. This vague funding should have been locked down before he jacked in his paid employment, especially with the additional responsibilities of parenthood that you both have.

Your OP needs to get back into the workplace asap before his skills and knowledge are outdated and he becomes unemployable.

You can't plan anything with fingers crossed and the hope that he may get a small amount of investment this month. That'll be spoken for the moment it lands in the business account, and will no doubt come with obligations, requirements, contracts, whatever.
People support their partner in setting up a business when it's almost certain to succeed - as someone said above, when it's been a successful side-hustle for a while. What is YOUR gut feeling about this business? Is there a realistic chance it might work? Or is he fannying about trying to convince himself (and you) that it's not just on a wing and a prayer.
You shouldn't feel as though you have to take on all the responsibility. It's time for him to face reality too m
Good luck anyway, I hope things work out.

No, you don't need to be "more resilient", you need to be far less supportive of DH's nonsense. As soon as you were made redundant he should have shelved the plans for the business and got himself a job.

Neither of you have a job or savings. How are you planning on paying for food and other bills?

I understand it may be upsetting for DH that he will have to abandon his new business, especially if it's now or never, but he needs a bite of a reality sandwich.

When I went self employed (which included a period of retraining and not earning) I made sure that I had savings in the bank to cover 12 months of my half of the household bills first. I did this as a responsible adult and so as to not put undue stress on DH and DC.

As your DH has not done this he needs to accept that he has put undue stress on to you and be apologetic about it. It is irresponsible.

I wish you all the best with your job search, it must be stressful.

The key issue as I see it is that you made a plan. Give the start up one year while you cover the bills on your income. But this plan has changed. You’ve been made redundant. As soon as that happened it was time to revisit the plan.

Financially you can’t now give your DH a year. Looking at your finances, what can you now support? He’s already had 3 months.
It might mean he needs to get a job a revisit this in a few years when your income is more stable.

Life happens and we have to roll with the punches. Carrying on blindly in the face of changing circumstances is not resilience.

Bug nope to this.

I went self-employed in 2023, but almost immediately took a paid job because I was pregnant (my employer knew when they hired me).

I'm sticking in the role until next year, because we're moving house and it's easier to get the additional mortgage.

My husband changed jobs when I was clear I wouldn't have a child with someone in a high pressure role, and he changed jobs again once he was back off SPL, all with our family in mind (though I had to smooth over some grumbles when I said no, I would not support him in a hybrid role a hundred miles away, and pointed out that I wouldn't dream of doing something so selfish when I was bored in my job).

Because you're a team, and right now you have one tiny dependent.

I don't think this is about your resilience.

Look up the statistics on how many UK businesses are successful. You can cheerlead and work on your resilience as much as you like, but let's be pragmatic.

He should be growing a business alongside working a job with regular pay.

I have started a business, and it took me a couple of years to make anything like something I could call an income. The business still goes through highs and lows and there are months when money is much tighter.

I think his timing and management is poor and really inconsiderate. He should be shouldering the financial burden alongside starting up or knock the idea on the head entirely until you are in a different season of life.

People are missing the fact it was an ok plan but its the unexpected redundancy that threw a spanner in the works
as long as he’s a viable business plan I’d give it 2 years to turn a profit

that said you have to be practical realistically could you finically get by for another 12 months

My DH joined a partner in a business and they had loads of work very quickly. Yes, you have to wait for money to come in and make sure overheads are less than you charge! I’d put a time line on it in terms of making money. Don’t entirely see the connection with the baby. My dh was working long hours when our babies came along. However he was making a lot of money. Not nothing. So I’d be wanting dh to make money or what’s the point of the business? A hobby?

Thank you @InterestedDad37 I think it will work. It’s just in hindsight, it would have been better for him to hand in his notice after I returned from maternity leave. Then he would have possibly waited 3 more months until I got a new job. Hindsight is helpful after though unfortunately.

Really appreciate everyone’s replies. I will come back

I think the fact is that when you made the decision for him to become self employed, your circumstances were different.

Things have changed and between you, you need to be looking at all the options and working out what is best for your family now.

It's not on you to be more resilient, it's something you both need to be. If this means he needs to suck it up and go back to work, even part time retail alongside building the business for example, if giving it up isn't an option, then he needs to be more resilient and do that. If the best thing is to keep focusing on the business, because in 6 months you're forecasting great returns, then you need to be more resilient.

It's likely going to be somewhere in the middle and both of you are going to have to work hard to get back to a stable position. But it's on BOTH of you. He doesn't get to just swan around doing his dream while you pick up all the pieces around him.

When your husband left his job to start his business, what exactly was his timeline for starting to make money? What exactly was his business plan? What were the steps along the way and how long did he expect each step to take? How far along the timeline is he? Where did he put the decision points where you can both say it hasn't worked out well enough and he needs to give up?

Did he discuss all this with you and plan out how you would support yourselves and your baby? In detail and the full plan, with dates and numbers? Did you look at different scenarios? It doesn't sound like it. It's really worrying that he didn't even lay out how much his savings were.

You probably do need to get a job but no you should not be carrying it all. Both his business and your family finances should be shared effort. And there should be clear re-planning when something changes, such as you losing your job. I agree with pp that now he needs a steady income himself. So now there needs to be a fixed date - if the "funding" hasn't arrived by that date then he will stop focussing on the business and look for a job, and then a further date so that if he hasn't found a job by then he will take any job at all. And he needs to be very clear about how much money he can expect to take from his business to support the family if his "funding" does come through. Which might be none at all so be warned.

It all sounds much too vague. As if he hasn't planned it properly or thought about contingencies and he's expecting you (or you are expecting yourself) to let him mess about in the name of "resilience".

When one partner is on mat leave -it’s not the time for financial risks. Your job as the other partner is to provide financial stability.
I would find this stressful beyond belief.
there is nothing wrong with you or your resilience.

Why did you wait to job search?

We have a 15 month old. ......The money I got from redundancy would have lasted 8 months. As he hasn’t had income yet from the business, I had to pay all bills and the money is almost gone after 4 months.

That's 4 months you could have / should have been looking for work?

I'm a bit torn here.

I opened the thread expecting your baby to be tiny, and they're not; they're 15 months old.

From what you've said, the plan was that he would wait until you were back at work before he left to pursue this. It doesn't seem that there was ever a discussion about him having savings, beyond that you "thought" he would. So really the change has come from your side, in that you were made redundant, and the redundancy money hasn't lasted as long as you thought. It is stressful to be made redundant, especially right now, the job market is awful.

I'm with CatherinedeBourgh, he won't get funding if he's part-time or working alongside another job. Investors won't invest in something he isn't even investing his time into. If he's in several incubators and has letters of interest, he's not following a pipedream. There's always the risk that it'll come to nothing, but it sounds like he's got himself into the right rooms and is actively working on this, rather than sitting around on YouTube and dreaming of having a business... Realistically, there's going to be resentment on his side too if you make him walk away from that.

Which doesn't mean that you have to accept all the resentment either, but you need a serious chat about what the future looks like for both of you. It does seem that the goalposts moving has been mostly on your side, from what you've said - you intended to go back to your existing job, now you want something with less days and less stress, which means less money, but you'd already agreed that he'd be starting a business, so his income was never going to be particularly reliable for a bit...

You haven't really got the option of him parking this for a few years. He won't get back into these incubators and people's past follows them around.

It's tough decision time, unfortunately.

A quick dictionary search tells me that "resilient" means being able to recover quickly from difficulties.
It is the wrong word for this situation, because you can't be recovering from something that is not over yet. The recovery comes after, not during.

You are not even seeing the worst of this situation yet - you are still heading into the worst part, when the money runs out and you default on the mortgage and get evicted (assuming you have a mortgage and neither of you manage to find enough work quickly enough).

If this investment money comes through, but he uses it to pay the mortgage arrears and cover household bills, how is that going to help the business succeed?

A better word is endurance: do you have the endurance to keep going when the bills pile up unpaid, the home has to be sold (to pre-empt foreclosure by the bank), you go into rented accommodation and perhaps have to claim Universal Credit.
Or, you have to go back to work far sooner than you wanted, missing out on those precious months when baby is so young, either putting baby in nursery, or if that is too expensive leaving baby with DH while he "works" on his business.

You are under no obligation to "cheerlead" your DH while he leads the family into financial disaster.
I would give him a deadline of say 4 or 6 weeks, and if no money appears by then he has to fold the business and pray he gets a job quickly.

I understand why you feel under pressure.

I don't know how the childcare is arranged but considering that you need to find work, manage childcare, drop offs and pick ups all the tantrums and then with his travel childcare after work. He also will be very focused on the job, avoiding diving into family life which i understand. It is exhausting for you and not the best time to start business but as it has already started just keep going.
I think I regularly would check with him and inform how you feel and what issues you have. Support him but keep things realistic