Son in Halls has been accused of stealing

[ShinyCaptain]

Son in halls has been accused of stealing drinks from someone else's shelf in the fridge. He's had a note left by his room door.

He is quite sure he's never drunkenly or accidentally taken anything & he's freaking out because the note said something like 'you owe me money for the drinks you've stolen' so its not even attempting to fact find or be reasonable.

Note was signed but he doesn't know which lad it is. He's a bit marginal in the flat. Doesn't know who's who.

I ran it by chat gpt which suggested a note in the kitchen which says:

"I’ve had a note left under my door accusing me of taking drinks and asking for money.
I haven’t taken anything from anyone else’s shelf.
If there’s a concern, I’m happy to talk it through calmly and clear it up."

Son is shy, quiet & freaking out. He has drafted a note which reads

"I've had a note left under my door accusing me of stealing drinks from the fridge, and asking me for money.

I haven't stolen anything from anyone.

I've bought some ciders, they're in the fridge. Feel free to grab a couple.

If I get a note like that again, I'm going to take it up with Unite"

Which I think would be disastrous. Buying ciders looks guilty and being threatening is upping the ante. I think this note is a bad idea.

He doesn't want to involve Unite (yet).

I think on balance that he probably didn't take anything. It sounds out of character. I don't 100% know though.

YABU - let him handle it his way

YANBU - your note is better

Or can you think of a third way?

Jesus wept

He needs to chill TFA, why is he leaving a note?

Stuff like this happens all the time at uni, he just needs to ask his flatmates 'which one of you left the note under my door? I didn't take any drinks.'

thats it

Edited: just realised the note says who it was from - he doesn't know his flatmates names??????? honestly I think he should just move flats in this case.

How is this remotely helpful to OP?

If he wants to solve the names issue OP I think his best bet is try to spend more time in the kitchen. If there are multiple others in there they are likely to use each other's names eventually in conversation, and if it's just him and one other it might be easier to say "sorry, I know this sounds crazy but I'm a bit faceblind, can you remind me of your name?" and clarify what room they are in. But like many suggestions you have already had, maybe he knows the theory at nauseam but just can't work up the courage or impetus to do it. And there comes a point when suggesting strategies to someone who's hesrd it all already.becomes undermining.You know him best OP.

DD is also a first year and has a "ghost" flatmate. She worries a lot about her and is at a loss what to do about it. Day to day it is difficult for all of them, but FWIW she judges way less than several PPs on this thread. She would just be thrilled to have a conversation, honestly, to break the ice. There are only so many times she can keep making overtures. It might feel to her flatmate that she is being excluded but they have tried so hard and have to balance it with respecting the flatmatecs choice to stay alone.

"I ran it past chat gpt"

😐😐😐😐😐😐

Good grief! What has happened where people can't actually speak to another person any more? All this note writing is ridiculous.

Stay out of it OP, it's a tiny problem and your son needs to learn how to deal with things like that. At his age I wouldn't have even mentioned it to my parents.

Maybe they've got the wrong door or maybe they've shoved this under everyone's door or maybe this is from a bully.

I would find out the name of the person and let Unite know, just so they have it recorded. Or I would be pleasant but call them out in the kitchen about it. People who write notes to people rather than speak to them are really cowards.

I'd leave the note by the fridge and say nothing. If questioned I'd be straight and say someone put it under my door. With a blank expression

I don’t see anything wrong with responding by note seeing that’s how he’s been addressed. I’d keep it simple though - none of the above but just say ‘wasn’t me, hope you find the culprit’ definitely don’t offer replacement drinks. I think he needs to make more of an effort though to at least see know who the people he lives with are after all this time.

Of course he did, you're his mum, he trusts you! I think his note sounds fine, offering Cider doesn't make him look guilty. He should quietly stand his ground xx

His idea is best. I hope he is okay, its tough knowing what to say or do sometimes when you are young.

Offering cider the 1st thing I’d think would be it was him

Either way. Good grief!

I've literally just read another thread about this exact subject. It is mental that people can't seem to think for themselves anymore!

Because he’s her child and she’s supporting him through a situation he’s finding difficult and a bit upsetting. Some parents are like that 🤷‍♀️

I think people are being extremely unkind. My eldest is autistic (very intelligent, no common sense) and I could imagine him getting himself in knots over this. OP is also on the spectrum too, so I can imagine her using ChatGPT to see what a “normal” response would be.

I cannot imagine allowing my son to spiral and ignoring him. I could imagine him thinking he was hated, and really worrying about others thinking about it negatively. He would need talking through to ignore it, and that’s what I’d advise, but that’s because I am a resilient, presumably neurotypical adult. Over time, I’ve seen my eldest needs support with minor social interactions like this and that’s fine. He can cook, clean, motivate himself to be a straight A student, but things like being asked an unexpected question or a note like that would really throw him.

If you can’t imagine needing support through something like that, then lucky you, but don’t be a dick about a young man who might need a bit more advice to shrug it off.

Reading between the lines, it is quite possible that there is bulling going on now.

Or perhaps not and it was a prank.

But if your dc was shy and this led to exclusion by a group or one person taking a dislike... and then the note... it sounds a bit off and your dc could probably do with advice from someone. Is there someone at uni who could advise your dc as to whether it is bullying and what to do about it? This might be why Unite was mentioned, your dc is aware that Unite has policies about dodgy notes and bullying?

(In my day halls had a woman in overall charge (i can't remember the name but we had high and low dinners and all that malarkey) not sure how Unite - a private property developer - operates.

From the title I thought you were going to say he was accused of stealing something like money or uni equipment and police were involved.

This is a non issue. He needs to learn to deal with extremely minor situations like this himself.

If he didn’t do it I’d ignore the note and if I was asked again he just needs to say “sorry it wasn’t me.”

Brilliant. He showed he wasn't weak and wasn't going to be taken advantage off.

Presumably the uni have cctv footage of communal areas.

cctv in the kitchen? How intrusive, if there is.

Why would Unite be interested in “recording” the fact that one student sent another student a note?!

I'm guessing the parent of the note writer suggested the note and what to put in it!

They may have policies in relation to conduct

Unite were fantastic when my eldest lived in their student accommodation for 2 years. Staff are meant to step in and help with things including relocating troublesome occupants or contacting the university if things persist. I have another child at uni in a different private halls of residence. They both turn to us for advice on how to deal with flatmates as we have both been to uni and lived with strangers, then mates.

My take on this is adults turn to MN to ask other adults questions and for advice, why is it weird when an adult child asks their parents for advice?

He needs to acknowledge the note and state he did not take them. I would not suggest offering them drinks from his shelf. Shelves are sacred in shared kitchens. If he ignores it they will think he took them and sometimes they end up being ostracised in the flat. As to talking to them when you bump into them it depends on schedules and you can go weeks without seeing certain flatmates.

Ds had something stolen from his fridge shelf over Christmas. There are problems in the flat that staff are dealing with so he took photos of how he left his butter, condiments etc in the fridge. One item completely disappeared. He did report it to the staff, they said first offence sort it yourselves, second offence they step in.

CCTV is usually at the entrance to the flat so they can see who is coming and going but not in the flat corridors. The camera covers the entrance to 2 flats in my child's accommodation.

He needs to write a note, state he did not take the items.

There will be people at the university who he can talk to for advice who will understand the context well. My friend worked as a councillor at a uni. I know in my halls we had a team who we could go to with pastoral issues and worries. My son's going next year so I know from open days etc that there will be support for him if this is something that's making him feel anxious and isolated.

It's great that he's asked for your advice, it shows he trusts you and he has a good relationship with you. It would be so much worse if he clammed up. People saying just make him talk to his flatmates aren't taking into account that he's shy, he's quiet, and he might be terrified of these other loud boisterous teenage boys.

As for what he should do. It's hard to say without knowing the characters or the dynamics. If he's a bit of an outsider and doesn't know them well, I'd worry that they might take advantage of his kindness if he tried smoothing things out by buying some ciders.

Has he made friends with people who don't live with him but know the situation? It's sad he's not friendly with or knows the people he lives with. I remember visiting a mate at uni and she didn't have a corkscrew for the wine I'd brought - I just said "let's ask the people opposite, I'll knock, what's their names?" and she didn't know! They'd lived in halls together for a year and she didn't even know their names. I knocked anyway, they were really friendly and chatty, let us borrow the corkscrew. Anyway, I was gutted for her because I made some great mates in halls (still my friends now) even though it did take a couple of months to really find my people.

I also remember the passive aggressive notes. If he really wants to engage in the notes situation I'd go for "Hi, I haven't taken any drinks that aren't mine. Hope you find out who it was." or something.

But mostly, there will be someone at Uni for him to talk with.

I think your note is the better one.

There is even a chance by offering up his drinks the other person could see that as guilt or him as a soft target.