Son in Halls has been accused of stealing

[ShinyCaptain]

Son in halls has been accused of stealing drinks from someone else's shelf in the fridge. He's had a note left by his room door.

He is quite sure he's never drunkenly or accidentally taken anything & he's freaking out because the note said something like 'you owe me money for the drinks you've stolen' so its not even attempting to fact find or be reasonable.

Note was signed but he doesn't know which lad it is. He's a bit marginal in the flat. Doesn't know who's who.

I ran it by chat gpt which suggested a note in the kitchen which says:

"I’ve had a note left under my door accusing me of taking drinks and asking for money.
I haven’t taken anything from anyone else’s shelf.
If there’s a concern, I’m happy to talk it through calmly and clear it up."

Son is shy, quiet & freaking out. He has drafted a note which reads

"I've had a note left under my door accusing me of stealing drinks from the fridge, and asking me for money.

I haven't stolen anything from anyone.

I've bought some ciders, they're in the fridge. Feel free to grab a couple.

If I get a note like that again, I'm going to take it up with Unite"

Which I think would be disastrous. Buying ciders looks guilty and being threatening is upping the ante. I think this note is a bad idea.

He doesn't want to involve Unite (yet).

I think on balance that he probably didn't take anything. It sounds out of character. I don't 100% know though.

YABU - let him handle it his way

YANBU - your note is better

Or can you think of a third way?

Just tell him to stick a note to the door saying ‘I haven’t taken any drinks - come talk to me in person’.

It’s a cowardly person who does it via note. How do they expect him to pay them if he doesn’t know who it is? Anyway, he didn’t do it so it’s not his problem they’re probably hoping the notes (likely multiple) will flush out the thief.

Exactly! Imagine it was something serious but they're 18 and have been made to feel that means they're an adult so get on with it.

Wouldn't cross my mind to refuse to give advice to an adult friend, never mind my own teenage child.

What a pointless and unkind comment. You don’t just stop caring about your kids when they move out. Her son asked her for advice, what’s she meant to do say ‘sorry son you’re at uni now, no more motherly advice from me.’

Hes shy, he’s living with other people, he’s been accused of something and he’s upset. I’d be worried too.

I’d ignore it. If it gets nasty ask to change to a different room, you get wankers everywhere. They’re probably trying it on, to get him to buy them drinks.

Aww! He sounds lovely. Tell him not to worry. Probably ignore but if anyone confronts him in person just say I didn’t take your drink- sorry this happened to you- you’re welcome to one of my ciders if you like…

I can safely say that Chat GPT has never lived in halls with a group of students. You'd be better asking someone who has.

Why can't they just talk to each other?

Of FFS, how dare a mum try to help her child out who has asked for advice. This place really is a shit hole at times full of nastiness for no reason. Do you feel better now?

OP, I’d try to advise him to leave out the part about contacting unite, but it’s not the end of the world if he does leave it in. They may just think he’ll pay up if he’s not part of the group, so it’s good that he is saying something to show he isn’t a pushover.

The first year of uni can be shit when you’re put in a flat with people who you may not like or have anything in common with. My son was much happier in his second year when he chose who to live with. My friends son had a couple of lads that were real arseholes living with him in the first year and he hated it. They acted like it was their flat and my friends son was made to feel in the way.

OP's note is better, but @StrawberryJamAndRaspberryPie's is even better. I would also tell him to enquire about moving flats. This other person seems like they could be trouble.

Ah right!

I think this is a least said soonest mended scenario. No return notes just forget about it and move on.

That's what I'd advise mine anyway. Of course they'd be free to take or leave that advice!

So weird on here that some posters think the minute our kids are 18 we refuse them any help or advice. Have these posters just grown up with awful parents so they don't know what a normal relationship looks like? Or is it that their kids are still little so they assume once they're officially adult you're done?

My child asks me all sorts of things. I agree you don’t always have to answer but in this case I would because I’d be uncomfortable put in the same position.

My advice would be, take photo of the note incase it goes missing and things escalate. Then write across it, “I didn’t take your drinks but whoever did stop being an arse and replace them” in large letters and then stick the whole thing to the door of the fridge.

It is weird. My kids are 24, 22 and 18 and still ask for advice from us and each other. We talk things through with them and sometimes they have good advice for us too. It’s normal to be there for each other in a loving family. Some people seem to enjoy being nasty for the sake of it on here.

They all need to grow up and stop writing notes.

No notes. Next time he’s in the kitchen/stairwell/communal area/wherever he should strike up a conversation with one of his flatmates and ask if they got a weird note and know anything about it. For all he knows everyone’s got one. Or they might tell him it was Paranoid Pete on the third floor who always thinks everyone’s out to get him. He should keep it chill.

If there has to be a note and not a conversation, I would suggest “not me mate, hope you sort it, let me know if you fancy a drink”

I would then spend time helping my son be able to make friends and not be an anxious mess in his home.

Let him deal with it. He ignores the note and if any mention say not him. Shocked you ran it through chat gpt. That's vvvv strange behaviour.

I wonder if the note writer has the kind of parents who leave passive aggressive anonymous parking notes.

Hes a young man probably first time away from home. What's wrong with asking for mums advice? When someone turns 18 they dont suddenly morph into an all knowing adult dont you know?

I wouldn’t be grovelling around someone, suggesting a drink and calling them mate if they accused me of stealing without talking to me and trying to find out the facts first. OPs son doesn’t need to act like a people pleaser to someone who has behaved like an arse.

He needs to ignore
if he does feel the need to leave a note
he should just say he’s received a letter accusing he hasn’t done anything and feel free to approach him

he definitely mustn’t put beers in the fridge as that looks very much like like an admission of guilt

Unite are crap. My childs been bullied relentlessly by a flat mate they’ve been useless.

Oh shut up

Exactly.

I bet the nasty people on here would have been the first to ring their parents for advice.

I’d advise against drastic escalation! But ultimately let him find his own way.

I wouldn't reply and if asked I'd just say it wasn't me. These kind of things will come up.
I remember a friend in the apartment upstairs had flatmates that never washed up. She'd wash and they'd use and leave it there so she went on strike. Washed one plate, bowl and cup and came down to us to prepare and eat. The filth was caked onto the plates and pans upstairs before the other two finally realised it wasn't being done for them anymore!