Son in Halls has been accused of stealing

[ShinyCaptain]

Son in halls has been accused of stealing drinks from someone else's shelf in the fridge. He's had a note left by his room door.

He is quite sure he's never drunkenly or accidentally taken anything & he's freaking out because the note said something like 'you owe me money for the drinks you've stolen' so its not even attempting to fact find or be reasonable.

Note was signed but he doesn't know which lad it is. He's a bit marginal in the flat. Doesn't know who's who.

I ran it by chat gpt which suggested a note in the kitchen which says:

"I’ve had a note left under my door accusing me of taking drinks and asking for money.
I haven’t taken anything from anyone else’s shelf.
If there’s a concern, I’m happy to talk it through calmly and clear it up."

Son is shy, quiet & freaking out. He has drafted a note which reads

"I've had a note left under my door accusing me of stealing drinks from the fridge, and asking me for money.

I haven't stolen anything from anyone.

I've bought some ciders, they're in the fridge. Feel free to grab a couple.

If I get a note like that again, I'm going to take it up with Unite"

Which I think would be disastrous. Buying ciders looks guilty and being threatening is upping the ante. I think this note is a bad idea.

He doesn't want to involve Unite (yet).

I think on balance that he probably didn't take anything. It sounds out of character. I don't 100% know though.

YABU - let him handle it his way

YANBU - your note is better

Or can you think of a third way?

Nope it’s the accommodation provider in this case

I think that he should respond and do it using your note

buying beers is too nicey tbh and the threat to involve unite is a bit much

Is this for real? a. that your son told you this and b. that you got involved in solving it for him and c. that you asked ChatGPT to do it???

Surely not.

If they live in halls with a shared kitchen, there will be a couple of communal fridges. Usually people claim a shelf. Sometimes you might stick a label on it, but mostly you just remember which shelf is yours. Some flats have a kitty/rota for buying day to day stuff like milk, or flatmates might cook together.

Some people also get a mini fridge for their rooms if this is allowed. Personally, I wouldn't store anything pricey (like a bottle of wine) in a communal fridge.

What, specifically, about shared fridges would concern you? I have a (younger) autistic DC so I get the general worry, but I think you maybe just need to prep your DC that, at some point, someone will nick the last of their milk, and yes, it will be annoying, but it's also not the end of the world. If people keep stealing food they've cooked or expensive stuff, make something laced with chilli and the person probably won't do it again!

There are some weirdly unpleasant responses tonight.

It’s nice that he can ask your advice. Good lines of communication. Your note is slightly better, but I don’t think his is awful. The main problem with his note is that if the person leaving the first note is as bullying/aggressive as they sound, his might make him seem like an easy target.

Does he really not know any of his flatmates after 5 months? If so, a change of flat might be a good reset. Quite a few of DD’s friends moved flats in their first year.

If you had asked AI to write your comment you'd have not come across as nasty as you are, so I guess it may have its uses.

Just because someone asks for advice doesn't mean you have to give it.

3 days after my son started uni he messaged me to say that someone had parked in his space. Do you know what I did? I ignored it. He never mentioned parking issues to me again coz you know what - I actually don't really care.

Leave a note saying party in kitchen x date. Let’s get to know each other. First cider on me.

Weird. Presumably the uni have cctv footage of communal areas. Why not ask to see it, just out of interest? I wouldn’t offer to buy any cider, unless he thinks he possibly did (accidentally) take someone else’s stuff. Then I would find them and verbally offer to replace.

It wouldn’t occur to me to give my child a clear and unambiguous (but still passive aggressive) message that I don’t care. Because I actually do still care about them, and if they need support or advice they can have it.

It’s February. I imagine the other students know each other perfectly well at this point.

I wonder why op’s ds doesn’t even know their names??

beat me too it!

Support for children doesn’t stop when they walk out the door to uni.
However I wouldn’t be writing any notes for him. Let him deal with this.

Chat GPT? Union? He will be laughed off campus for either a pompus twattty response or a total over reaction.

If a response is needed (it isn't) a " sorry not me mate" is more than enough.

He knows faces and says hello and passes the time of day, but I think he got muddled at the intros stage and was too shy to ask names again. I have mostly stayed out of stuff & I think he's done really well, but the initial note unnerved me.
But I'm not a good judge of things always as I'm on the spectrum myself. I was diagnosed last year. That's why I'm getting advice.
Some of it has been very kind and practical.

Totally agree. I'm really surprised at some of the comments on here! A teenager is navigating a new way of living and turn to their parent for advice when they're worried...completely normal I would have thought. Even a 'look don't worry, you can manage to work this one out' is much better than ignoring. I bet parking issues aren't the only thing they don't share.

The note was signed, how can he not know who it was from?
There can't be that many people sharing a fridge? It's February, presumably he's been there long enough to know who shares the kitchen with him?

My daughter is 26 this year if she asked me for advice I would give it she had issues with travel recently my Internet was more stable so I googled routes for her just because they are adults doesn't mean they should be dumped and told to fend for themselves

Heaven forbid a parent tried to help out a Son. He’s anxious about it, of course she wants to help. Would you tell your kid to just deal with it and you’re not interested? Nice! I still ask my parents for advice now, I’m 44

Harsh. Do you have teenage children?
I would ask my parents advice right up until they died when I was 60.

My DC are capable grown adults but will ask my advice or DHs depending on the problem. They won't necessarily follow the advice but it adds to their learning about life.

Has he checked if it was one of his friends winding him up? It wasn’t very mature of us but we would prank our friend with letters at uni.

I think I'd take the note, write on the back "sorry, I think you have the wrong person. Hope you find your beer thief", then out it back on their shelf in the fridge.

If he's "marginal" is that why he has been given the note as it's thought that he would be most likely to just pay up.

If hasn't taken anything then the note isn't for him & he surely ignores it?

Honestly I think they re just saying it to cause a reaction. And if not…. Well it’s a shame if their kids don’t think they can come to them for advice!

Thinking about it, I was on the phone to my mother for advice this evening.