Son in Halls has been accused of stealing

[ShinyCaptain]

Son in halls has been accused of stealing drinks from someone else's shelf in the fridge. He's had a note left by his room door.

He is quite sure he's never drunkenly or accidentally taken anything & he's freaking out because the note said something like 'you owe me money for the drinks you've stolen' so its not even attempting to fact find or be reasonable.

Note was signed but he doesn't know which lad it is. He's a bit marginal in the flat. Doesn't know who's who.

I ran it by chat gpt which suggested a note in the kitchen which says:

"I’ve had a note left under my door accusing me of taking drinks and asking for money.
I haven’t taken anything from anyone else’s shelf.
If there’s a concern, I’m happy to talk it through calmly and clear it up."

Son is shy, quiet & freaking out. He has drafted a note which reads

"I've had a note left under my door accusing me of stealing drinks from the fridge, and asking me for money.

I haven't stolen anything from anyone.

I've bought some ciders, they're in the fridge. Feel free to grab a couple.

If I get a note like that again, I'm going to take it up with Unite"

Which I think would be disastrous. Buying ciders looks guilty and being threatening is upping the ante. I think this note is a bad idea.

He doesn't want to involve Unite (yet).

I think on balance that he probably didn't take anything. It sounds out of character. I don't 100% know though.

YABU - let him handle it his way

YANBU - your note is better

Or can you think of a third way?

Can he get a mini fridge and keep ir in his room?

Stay out of it! Why would an adult man even mention this to his parent in the first place? But, given that he has, just tell him to sort it out - how can he possibly grow up if every little thing is referred back to mummy or daddy?

He should just ignore the note, shove it in a draw somewhere and laugh it off. If he isn’t the thief who cares about some badly worded anonymous note.

Just thinking back to all the times DDs flatmates stole somebody else’s food, drink, cutlery, favourite cups, room in the cupboards….
Uni is a learning curve, as is living with people. Tell him to ignore the note and move on. If anyone accuses him to his face he just shrugs and says wasn’t me.
Im also a bit surprised he doesn’t know the names of people he’s living with after 5 months.

That is almost word for word what I be was about to suggest he wrote on the note before sticking it up in the kitchen!

Which is perfectly reasonable. It's not a bad thing to check with someone about a response.

Unite are really just a property management company, they’re not going to get involved in individual disputes.

How does the not know his flatmates names and which one is which?

🤔🤔🤔

There can't be that many of them, and presumably he has been living there a fair time mm

I’m a firm believer that parents should not interfere in their adult childrens issues, but it sounds like he has asked your advice! In that case, I would simply advise the first note is unassuming and non confrontational and therefore less likely to backfire. Then it’s down to him what he does!

I agree with the bugger off comment and putting it on the fridge. Absolutely do not have him threatening to be a tattle tale over a bottle of juice.

Is he friends with anyone in the flat? I'd ask them if they'd had a note about drinks being stolen and see if he can get info from anyone else.

Notes are really shitty and cowardly. If someone has something to say, say it to his face. He needs to get tough and confident. Be calm and confront the person, whoever it is and say to their face, you have no proof and you can't go around accusing people randomly of theft. I'm not having you damage my reputation.

Just get him to play this on repeat

People stealing stuff from fridge shelves and people being wrongly implicated is a tale as old as time - whether it’s at uni or in the workplace.

It’s a good life lesson for him and I think your role is to hear his worries and allay them, advise him that threatening to go to the housing provider looks silly and to tell him to speak directly to his housemates to clear up any misunderstanding.

Long ago when dinasours walked the earth and I left home I just got on with life in halls and then in private rented. I can remember having to deal with a dodgy landlord at age 19 and never once did it even cross my mind to get my mum involved. It was part of growing up and learning about life.

Maybe I’m missing something obvious but if the note is signed and they share a fridge then surely the obvious answer is to simply find this person and… speak to them? Why does he need to write a note back? Is this an episode of Eastenders?

No need for any drama, speak to the person who wrote the note, and no idea why Unite would even be needed here.

I have a child with autism who will be starting uni in the next year or so.

I am a bit concerned about this sort of thing.

Is it usual to get some food storage that you can put a lock on, to prevent shelf theft/ confusion?

How does it normally work with fridges and freezers?

100% agree. Does your son know anyone else in the flat? Can he talk to them and see if they got a similar note?

Leaving notes around is not how adults clear things up. He's better chatting to a few people and seeing if he can find out whose drinks it was, and then calmly saying that it wasn't anything to do with him.

This is such a typical student thing to happen: stuff goes missing from fridges all the time. Has anyone not had a flatshare where someone stuck a post it on milk telling everyone else to stop stealing it? Learning to deal with situations like this is part of university. So yes, it's ok your son came to you for advice, but your response should be "this isn't a big deal" rather than "we need to ask AI how to have a conversation with another human"

I think it's a great response OP. It stops any doubt and stops others taking the mick or thinking he's a soft touch.

They still need you at uni.

I am sorry but given that they are students and at university, 'you owe me money for the drinks you've stolen' sounds somewhat unhinged.

If they are unhinged, what are they capable of? How can your dc pay someone if he has no idea who they are?

Can he can find out who wrote the note and see if he can work out what is going on and the dynamics, maybe from talking to others? I think this would be wise before writing a note into a void. Or maybe writing "someone wrote me a note but I don't know who they are?"?

It might have been a drunken misjudgement on the part of the note writer. I hope so. Or humour possibly.

Would Unite be able to move your dc into a different flat?

Because it's navigating relationships with flat mates - which he's never had to do before.

I'm a firm believer in asking for help if you need it. Many an issue could have been sorted at my work if people had actually asked rather than guessed.

Somebody's trying it on there. He needs to ignore.

Don't you ever ask your parents for advice? Or share worries with them? I talk to my Dad all the time and my grown up kids talk to me, I thought that was normal.

This has been happening since the dawn of time. Stay out of it. He needs to sort it out for himself.

I would take a photo of a cuddly toy being caught taking out drinks from the fridge and just leave it on the front of the fridge with a note that says "the bear bandit is about. Be bearful with your beer"