AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

[Idontunderstandmodernlife]

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

Of course it happened in the past! Do you think that when you were a school child you had a comprehensive knowledge of what everyone else your age was doing and going through? You saw the kids at school because you were at school. Plenty else was going on elsewhere. Come on.

I think there was more skiving when I went to school. So yes kids got there but then they left out of the open gates. Kids nowadays know once they are in the building they have no option but to stay, so they refuse to go.

School refusal doesn’t happen because of laziness.

Come spend a day with me. I take my 3 kids to school every morning without fail
Two of them go on happily without question. One has escaped the school buildings no less than 10 times and has been retrieved by police. Today I made the choice to take him away after half an hour of trying as he was trying to throw fire extinguishers, punching and kicking walls, kicking glass cabinets and climbing through the partition window into the office of the school. This has been a gradual escalation of behaviour since his older brother went to high school. We have behaviour support plans in place and are reaching out to the relevant support services. I had to physically restrain him today and we don't let the behaviour go without consequences. None of it stops the behaviour. Other than losing my job and house so I can baby sit him at school, we're at an impasse and I'm at my wits end. These kids are struggling and there were plenty of kids who struggled 20 odd years ago too. Truancy officers were a thing back then too.

@BuildbyNumbere

Do you think that paralyzed people are lazy and just need to pull themselves together and start walking?

Do you think deaf people just need to listen more? Afterall your cousin jacks friends brothers uncle managed to understand with his hearing aids and lip reading so every other deaf person is just lazy in your mind?

Do you think blind people just need to open their eyes? You say Blind sharron for southports video showing what she sees and she sees shadows so every blind person must be faxing.

Do you not realize that disabilities impact people differently?
Deaf and blindness is a spectrum from profound to milder.

Disabilities impact people differently because people are different and sometimes we cope better and sometimes we don't.

We have several ND children 1 appeared to cope in school but the damage of the environment has shown up in many ways post education.
I never managed in the environment which was in part due to school refusing to support needs
1 is managing well but they coast as the work is easy for them

Unfortunately too many plonkers like you in the world.

No wonder this country is going down the toilet. How are they going to support themselves in adulthood or the taxpayer had to do that too?!?

You must be very sheltered and unable to open your mind, and enjoy broadcasting these qualities. Your ignorance around disabilities can be fixed by you either doing proper research before wading into these discussions, or sitting out when talking about something you don't understand.

I don’t need you to ‘understand’ why my school refusing child doesn’t go to school OP. Or why it’s a ‘thing’. Your opinion is nothing to me. The end. HTH.

And plenty ND children are denied help to attend school. Not all ND pupils are the same or have the same needs but help to SEN children has declined the last many years.

Why?

Well if you want them to have a chance at being happy well rounded adults who work, then they need to be treated with patience, kindness and understanding in childhood. I’m sorry if that’s too 2026 for you.

My son was unable to attend school for most of year 8 and 9. He had stomach upsets/pain and numerous tests. He would be stuck in the loo in the mornings until after school started and then felt unable to go in late and was worried about needing the loo again which made him more anxious and likely end up back in the bathroom. He had loads of tests but the only thing they came up with was stress related IBS. He was unable to articulate why he was worried about school but clearly he was and during that time he became quite isolated. Covid happened during this period which took the pressure off getting him back into school during periods of lockdown. The later ones were actually good for him because he could do the maths work set online while school was closed.

After doing all the things initially, trying to make him go in late, turning off the wifi etc, I got to the point where I just wanted him to not have stomach ache every day. I wanted him to feel well so he stayed at home and for a time we had out of school tuition. Because there was physical symptoms and subsequent hospital appointments, the school put him as off sick and were supportive.

In year 10 we decided to be proactive and I home educated him through GCSEs. He resumed his friendships (happy to be able to say he was being home educated - and not be accused of skiving), joined a couple of clubs and went on to get decent grades. He had some counselling. His stomach aches went away. He has done a level 3 course at college and is now living away from home at uni and doing great.

For those who think listening to your children when they tell you they can't go to school is a bad thing, and the end of everything, that really isn't the case at all. You will do them more good by listening to them and supporting them. Reading about parents pinning their children down, removing their bedding etc is frankly horrifying. Mental illness is as debilitating a physical illness and these kids are not being naughty, they are genuinely struggling.

I was the same.

10 years ago a kid couldn't bring social services to your door by claiming "emotional abuse" because you take a games consol off them... and before anyone starts with "that doesn't happen" I assure you it does because one of mine tried it.

They will work to the level the have capacity to.
You can't magic up capacity anymore that you can magic a paraplegic person to walk.

But do you know what walking isn't a symbol of success. Steven Hawkin was one of the greatest scientific minds ever. He had value and contributes far more than just walking.

History is full of people who have contributed to the world we have. People that were disabled in many different ways but who achieved remarkable things.
We don't write off people because they are different - because sometimes it is that very difference that allows progress and innovation.

There are millions of ways someone can contribute. Scientist, doctors, actors, shop staff. Gardeners, builders, cleaners. Every role is important in its own way. Everyone brings their own skills to the table.
The issue with schools is if you don't fit the school mold you are punished. If you won't get the grades you are shamed
But the world is so much more than the school environment
We are literally destroying young people before they have the chance to shine and show the world who they are.

I think someone up thread referred to this sort of thing as ‘Tory cunt talk’

Another perfect example.

Lots of reasons . Things are not the same as they were when i was at school in the early 90s but there have always been those who skipped school
The schools are more hot on fines now for none attendance

Kids need to go school so they can become fully functional well-rounded adults. Parents who allow their kids to skip school are not actually doing their job as parents. Are they prepared to financially support their children when they become adults, or will they expect others to provide for them?

I was a yr7-9 form tutor in two secondary schools between 1986 and 2006. Attendance was brilliant - very few pupils were taken out of school for holidays during term time, and I only came across one school refusal case in twenty years. For context, both rural areas, not economically disadvantaged but not particularly affluent either.

I honestly don’t know why things have changed to such a degree. I suspect a combination of factors. It’s very sad.

Spend this week with me, the last 2 days ive sent my DD to school shouting she dos'nt want to go in, school phoned me yesterday to pick her up at 10am, and today at 10am I found myself sitting in the heads office with her to calm her down enough to stay in school till 2pm.

In contrast her sister loves school. While I was calming DD in office, her sister was playing outside with her friends.

Its nothing to do with week parents, unless you dealt with school anxiety issues, its hard to understand the stress. Trust me I have other things I could be doing rather the sitting in the school office on a Thursday morning.

They did exist. Social media just didn't exist, so you didn't hear of it so widely. Just because you've not heard of it, it doesn't mean it never existed. Just like countries we've probably never heard of and its culture we do not understand - It still exists and we must be respectful.

Learn about it. School refusers are exhausting. It's draining on the child and parent.

There are many things a majority of us will not know exists.

No but people would just bunk off back in the day and parents would be non of the wiser. A lot harder to sneak out of school nowadaysx

i have 2 long term school refusers:

DS is now 19 and is in his second year at UCL and works part time to supplement his student loan he lives away from home in a flat with 3 friends. He couldn't cope at school from age 10 and didn't attend at all until 6th form. He self taught 6 GCSEs (with a bit of tuition for maths and english) and reintegrated at 6th form. To this day he can't tell me why he couldn't go to school. He really couldn't go though, he tried to jump from moving cars to avoid going and absconded and ran home if I did manage. He is autistic. He has done much better than the vast majority of his schooled friends.

DD is now 16 and doing really well at BTEC in college and likely to go to university. She is also autistic and she couldn't cope , she continued in school for 3 years after her brother completely stopped going. The environment was too much for her. She was also out of school completely from the age of 10.

You are failing your child ssd to say 🤷🏻‍♀️

They should be fined … form of abuse.