AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

[Idontunderstandmodernlife]

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

Load of crap.

Worked all my life as has Dh. Both professional with degrees.

All 3 Ds went to school and university. Then dd arrived, refused school. Later diagnosed ND.

Don’t think we we lazy in any way. It was the most stressful period of my life.

Well I suppose in theory i could agree but then i look at my own life.

Happily married, 3 young children, lovely houseold but my middle (age 10) has PTSD which has seeped into most of her life.

Shes currently seeing a psycologst once a week who helps immensly

2 weeks ago she came home from school feeling sick so already this is an issue as sickess raises her anxiety.

We couldnt get her back to school until the following friday so one full week off.

I think by this point her anxiety had taken over and the sickness was a symptom of that, she moped about the house for a week not doing very much and every morning we would try and get her going, we managed to get her into school on thr wednesday in which she walked into a surprise standardised exam/test, this caused a meltdown, teacher phoned to say she had to come back home as she felt really sick now.

We managed to get her back on the friday and by magic the sickness had gone within a few hours of her being at school and no mention of it since.

We want her in school, she wants to be in school but at certain points its just too much and if we do force the school will just phone to tell us to take her back.

There used to be better SN provision though (more SS spaces), and teachers were able to be more flexible and less target driven for their pupils. Government input has wrecked schools, both directly and indirectly.

Lazy lazy !!!

You have no idea. It must be so peaceful living your perfect life with all the answers.
It's easy to know everything when you don't have to live with road bumps and barriers

Your daughter actually isn't wrong about the psychology of it. I read a really good essay about anxiety that leads to school refusal first, but then the world gradually gets smaller and smaller as anxiety gets bigger, first they stop school, then social events, then leaving the house, then the bedroom. The anxiety does, unfortunately, get worse if it isn't faced and coping mechanisms learned.
But unfortunately that means catching it, before the anxiety is big enough to cause school refusal, and it often isn't.

My son is ADHD and I don't think he has wanted to go to school a day in his life! (He copes ok once there as he likes learning and has had wonderful teachers, but he never wants to go) A few days he has pleaded with me to let him have a day off "just this once" and I am actually not against a rare mental health day, BUT I know my son, he thrives on routine and very clear, consistent boundaries if I set the precedent that we can have a day off cos we just feel like we can't today...then every day would then become even more of a battle.
I have worked with children for 20yrs and started a degree in child studies and psychology when my eldest started school, and I went through school myself with undiagnosed ADHD, so I have always understood not to set that precedent with him and yet I still felt an immense amount of mum guilt In those moments, so I imagine that is where is starts for many parents. "What's the harm in letting them miss one day" ...

The majority of these kids will be ADHD or autistic and exhausted from masking. Some might be being bullied or struggling academically.

I went through a stage during a levels of just signing myself out to go the "the dentist" (bonus of having braces and the 90's school system) and at one point I didn't go to any of my classes for about 2 weeks cos of just couldn't make myself get out of bed to face it. No one questioned me!! cos I had been a "good student" my whole life.

It's a complicated issue and all kids are different. For some yes, having very firm boundaries so they know that school is not in any way optional, will be enough to stop it becoming an issue, for others being forced to go day after day, will just lead to extreme burn out and you will get school refusal no matter how firm your boundaries are (which is why I, who does make my son go, still rolls my eyes at those like the poster who says they would "just make them go" implying force rather than firm boundaries delivered with love, understanding and empathy!)

Schools were very different 15 yo ago - you have noticed that?

Spoken like someone who doesn’t have a clue.
Get off your high horse and actually learn a bit about the world and people around you.

My father was definitely scarier to me at school and that was largely what got me there, but that wasn't a good thing! School refusing would be a better situation for a child than growing up in that atmosphere. Mental health problems due to hideous parenting are not better than mental health problems due to hideous schooling so your idea of making one fear worse than another is no help. Stabbing you on your right side to distract from the pain of a gun shot on your left side doesn't actually solve the problem!

And really? You have contradicted yourself because yes, my husband is physically strong enough to pick up our 11 year old and put her in school, but only if she were to co-operate and just let him, in which case there would be no need for the situation. If she fights back at least one of them will be hurt, probably badly. Children of that size are perfectly capable of causing physical damage and it's just not acceptable or reasonable in any way to do that. You have now admitted yourself that you showed physical signs of damage and it got you time off to hide it so you can't really be suggesting that manhandling fighting teens into school is a remotely acceptable or achievable way to get them there. Getting a 13 year old through the school gates by physical force who then has to be sent to hospital to deal with the resulting dislocated shoulder, for example, is not actually achieving the objective.

I don’t know but my son is refusing every day and I’m picking him up and putting him in the classroom. I’ve got no idea what to do if this continues when he’s bigger. I asked the teacher if he needs sen support and she said no. I can’t see it getting any better though.

They definitely did exist.

i went to school in the 90s and by the time i went to secondary school i was a hat you’d probably describe as a school refuser. I was packed off to school and instead of going I was running away and making suicide attempts.

I ended up in alternative provision where I coped much better in a small group. Probably some undiagnosed mental health problem or neurodiversity.

Of course I can’t speak for other parents in today’s world but school refusers definitely did exist. What makes you think they didn’t?

They did exist. There was a girl in my class 35 years ago who barely came and she dropped out at 15 to work ft in a factory. Others left as soon as 16 to do YTS. This was seen as a positive by teachers. A disengaged teen could drop out and get work or join army etc. I was at a navy recruitment presentation and man giving talk said he’d missed his gcse exam on 16th birthday to go and enlist. It was seen as a good thing for a lad like him. Now school would be required to chase why he wasn’t in exam.
There were also girls who dropped out pregnant. Teen pregnancy rates were higher.
There was also girls with very patchy attendance, poor health or mums who allowed to stay off at drop of hat or needed at home to help with little siblings. Some went on extended holidays back to home countries with no repercussions.

I was a school refuser, but I still came top of my year in most subjects. I did go to school, but my attendance was very poor. I disliked school but the school let me away with it, largely because my grades were outstanding.

Oh yes... - of course.

We have relocated to our Scandinavian country at Christmas and now we have no problems with getting our secondary school kid to school.

We (parents) both have 6 years of university studies. Never been out of work. Dual citizenship to UK/EU. I don't think we will return to UK.

Maybe it's the UK schools which are run down and sh*t.

No it was what YOU did. Your experience and that of your friends/family is not the experience of all people during x decade. To suggest so is insanely arrogant and naive.

They have always been there. Parents in the past just didn’t care about their children’s mental health and would beat or scare them to go. These children played truant, went to borstal or were ill. It’s not new. OP is very judgemental though.

Haha, every single school … ok.

You do you - but few state schools are what they were 10-15-20-25 years ago. But of course just blame the parents for being lazy.

Always looking for an excuse 🤦🏻‍♀️

@BuildbyNumbere like it or not the way the school system in England is part of the problem it is fixed and rigid and far too focus on attendance.

i have to stay refuse is part of the issue here because it isn’t a matter of refusing, it isn’t a matter of won’t go often they CANT go, they want to they know they are missing it but they can’t physically go.

Like many parents who have walked the path we go through all of the things said here forcing insisting they must until there is a breaking point a point where and it isn’t hyperbole it becomes a matter almost of life and death.

I have no doubt that if I had continued down the road of insisting of making every morning fraught DS would not have made it through like he has I stood a very good chance of losing him

ND ND ND … plenty of ND kids are attending school.

Don’t they all … plenty of ND kids attend school daily.

Truth hurts, I know.

So how is he going to get a job then if he can’t even attend school? Pretty sure you have to attend every day

If i kidnap soneome for 15 years of their life, tell them they can't leave but can go out for half the day (though they'll still need to run errands for me). That they may find themselves during that time, abused or in danger. But they can't leave regardless.

And that after 15 years I'll roll the dice and they'll get anything from 1 pound and 500,000 'compensation'.

Is that fair?
Would you want to be forced into that?
Do you believe you should have the right to say no?

If so, then why shouldn't children?
Don't they also have rights?

Right to an education shouldn't mean forced into one in a certain institution type, for a certain time period, with no choice. That's kidnapping. Literally.

I'm glad that children are waking up to this oppression. Yes, it puts the individuals in difficult situations. But the only thing that's going to cause us to overhaul this bs system is if we all stop going along with it. Adults too, by not having children and forcing them into this cycle of abuse.

Yeah it’s been a thing since I was in school in the 90s. Had a girl in my class in secondary who came for the first week then started missing at least a day a week until Christmas when she was never in but was still on the roll well into year 9 - she would get called out in reg but was never there.