AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

[Idontunderstandmodernlife]

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

I agree OP. It’s because it’s an option now - it didn’t even occur to me that I could just refuse to go to school, and all the mental health buzzwords weren’t a thing.

I'll explain how the situation is here, autistic, PDA, very intelligent 15 yr old, had a lovely upbringing, both happily married parents, both working full time. Yr 7 was ok, started slightly refusing yr 8, gone down hill after hitting burn out in yr 10. My daughter genuinely wants to go to school, she is desperate to get good grades, but she physically shakes some mornings, freezes unable to speak, we have countless meetings with school, they understand she can't go in sometimes, she's told them she wants to go. We have gone through depression, self harm, no friends, violence against me as she lashes out at me, not leaving the house for weeks on end. Cahms are unable to help as they think the anxiety is linked to autism so can't help, gp sees regularly to check mental health and track weight as she was barely eating last year. School can help if she goes in .School have put as much in place as possible after they realised pressure just makes her crumble, some days she goes for a few hours other days they phone me to collect. Believe me we do everything we can to support, it's ruined my marriage, I can barely function at work, I had to change jobs so I could pick up/drop off at any time of the day, I'm physically drained, had counselling tried everything.You ask her what it is she can't explain, but she can explain it's the bright lights, the tight tie around the neck, tight school shoes, stiffness of shirts, walking into a crowded dining noisy hall which is overwhelming and over stimulating, the constant pressure on grades/attendance,the pressure of exams, you'll be a failure if you don't pass, you can't go to prom unless you attend, do all your homework, the list goes on. Never in a million years did I think we would be in this situation my extremely bright, funny daughter who was predicted 7-9 in everything but we are where we are and we will keep fighting and supporting her as her mental health is more important than anything at the moment. I could go on but I need to check on my daughter as she's "refused" to go in today, thankfully she's happy drawing in her art book.

You are being horribly unreasonable. I suggest that until your child is suicidal and weighing 5 stone you can’t possibly understand what you’re talking about. Generalising children who don’t go to school is the issue. Should some be in school when they are not, yes. School refusal is a lazy term. I would try and justify it more but my central nervous system won’t allow it without me melting. The last few years for us have been terrifying and empathy is dead.

I also once heard an interesting phrase…

Judge not lest ye be judged.

It was necessary in my daughter’s case, of which you know nothing, so see above.

I was a school refuser 30 years ago.

Oh, they existed in the past.But different terminology was used: they were either called 'truants' or 'school phobics'.

For example, after the school leaving age was raised from 15 to 16 in the 1970s, quite a lot of non-academically-inclined 15-year-olds continued to attend irregularly or not at all, and often schools put little effort into forcing attendance on pupils, who were unlikely to pass O levels in any case.

School phobia has been recognized as a major problem for decades; For example,Jack Kahn and Jean Nursten's book 'Unwillingly to School' was first published by Pergamon Press in 1964.

But a lot of the bunking off back then was done by kids who weren’t coping in school. My husband “bunked off” regularly and hung out with similar kids. It’s only in the last few years since our daughter has struggled with school that he’s admitted this was the reason he didn’t go. Back then he was labelled as naughty and just accepted that, as long as he didn’t have to go he didn’t care what the label was. She’s ASD and we now suspect he probably is too but it wasn’t recognised then and he was able to bunk off so he did. These days our daughter can’t just bunk off as schools are stricter on these things. So parents are involved and attempting to get their kids in. That’s when the refusal kicks in. But the motivation behind it is the same.

I have 3 children, 2 eldest no problems in school and will leave with 7/8/9 for GCSE grades. Youngest has been waiting 2 years for ADHD diagnosis and no matter what i do there are days where she will not go to school. I can't reason with her in the same way I can reason with my 2 eldest and I have to parent differently or she shuts down entirely. Im fighting with everyone to try to get her help but there's non available. Her anxiety since covid had been unbearable but it wasn't until senior school that the EBSA started. I was a child in the 80s/90s and I remember many children who just didn't go to school and the pressure from parents and school wasn't like it is now. These are the ones who were failed then and now the emphasis is on attendance they are still being failed its just a different kind of failure that's monitored differently. Please try to be understanding of parents with children who are going through this. Believe me it's extremely difficult and although you may not be trying to, the way in which your post reads suggests its an issue with parents and a new issue when in fact it isn't a new issue its just labelled and treated differently.

I was at school in the 90’s, we had one kid in my year who maybe turned up once a month and even then didn’t stay a full day, they couldn’t keep him in school. I’ve got a feel he committed suicide in his 20’s so guessing he didn’t have great mental health

Interesting, you must have had a very supportive employer or perhaps a business owner, as I am not sure leaving at 11am, in an unplanned way, would be tolerated in many companies.

And for an unusual perspective - a book on school phobia by two young people with school phobia- I recommend W. House and L. Mildiner: The Gates; Centerprise, 1975. Again, note the date,

You can see cases of what woulnd now be called 'school refusal' in 19th and early 20th century books, though it may not have put parents in quite such a difficult position when school attendance laws were less strict. Anne of Green Gables temporarily refusea to go to school after being humiliated by her teacher. The two younger girls in 'Little Women' might nowadays have been described as 'school refusers': Beth is 'too bashful' to attend school (nowadays this might have been called 'social anxiety') and Amy refuses to continue at her school after receiving corporal punishment from her teacher.

I have 3 neurodiverse kids who don’t attend. Specials schools are generally smaller classes and a bit less rigid, but hell for kids as ours. It’s not an easy way out; my career and training and on hold last 8 years, uc make most of our income. Defo not what I wanted as I approached 50 .
pls don’t judge, the mental health of these youngsters needs empathy, and lots of it .
as do the parents carrying an impossible load .

My daughter has severe dyslexia and undiagnosed Autism. She talks daily about how overwhelming and stressful school is. She is not getting the support she needs. It consumes her thoughts, it stops her sleeping. Today i ignored her say she wanted to die at least 100 times, ask where the knives where and gently but firmly got her ready and brought her to school. Where she cried. And knowing the school does not have the staff to look after her, and she would be stuffed into class and expected to get on with it, I brought her back home. It's can't not won't.

Oh, and she's 8. 8. She loved reception, used to love to learn. But school cuts mean the support she would have received in the past is gone and she's left to sink or swim. Sink.

Well she wouldn't have a lock for a start.

I can see where you are coming from OP. If you have a child who generally just goes to school it’s hard to imagine them refusing. Thankfully mine did go.
My friend however did have a refused and nothing she did helped. Her child was Y10 when she started refusing, after they went back after Covid, so not a small child you could drag in.
Her daughter literally got the point where she had spent so much time isolated that she couldn’t go anywhere. She never took any GCSEs.

I’m 43, I was a school refuser. Esp in p7. I had severe anxiety that no one understood. So definitely not a new thing.

My eldest was a school refuser. Well, I was on his behalf, I stopped sending him at 6.5. He has SEN and needed a specialist school. We were in dispute with the LA but he was in a mainstream on a part time timetable in the meantime. I spent hours forcing him into school, begging and pleading to stay with me whilst they locked the gate behind me. I genuinely believed I was doing the right thing. It broke my heart and I’ll never forgive myself.

Until I kept getting phone calls from the school to pick him up after 15 minutes or 1 hour or such and it was ‘suggested’ that he attends only for 15 minutes at 3 pm. It was then that I realised the harm I was doing to my little boy. I stopped sending him, the legal battle unfolded and he was awarded his specialist place. Since then, other than the usual couple of days across the school year, he hasn’t missed school since.

I am an active parent and support education wholeheartedly (teacher of 15 years before having to leave for DS), however the education system is based on one size fits all and a Victorian society. Neither of those things are true now.

Hahaha, wondered when that would be bought up … first comment 🤦🏻‍♀️

Lazy parents breed lazy kids!

What happens when you have a child who will self harm from the anxiety of going into the school environment is so wrong for them. It’s their bodies trying to protect themselves from a place that causes them distress and anxiety

There seems to be a lot more children with mental health issues and additional needs today compared to when I was younger (90s and early 2000s). I’m not sure it’s all down to greater awareness either, of course there were kids with these issues when we were younger, but the numbers and severity seem to be very high now.

Parental attitudes have shifted as well, when I was a kid tough love and getting on with it was the typical approach to children not wanting to do something or struggling, these days there’s a lot of expectations on the schools to adapt to everyone’s individual needs and requirements, and if expectations are not met then many parents remove their child from education.

Personally, I think a more balanced approach somewhere in the middle is reasonable. I have friends who are very very quick to let their child not go into school over what I think sound like minor issues or just their child trying it on (NT child not wanting to get out of bed as stayed up late on phone/disagreement with school over a detention/virus going around the school and they don’t want their child to catch it, and I have family members whose children are suffering with severe mental health problems (suicide attempts, self harm) and they get very little support at all.

A nasty and ignorant comment.

@BuildbyNumbere we are not lazy we work bloody hard and run a business too. Our child isn’t lazy but is neuro diverse and suffers from anxiety

My oldest child was a school refuser. I'm educated to degree level so value education greatly, and always attended school/university unless ill. My other children have 98%+ attendance. I just couldn't get my oldest to leave the house. They struggled with bullying, significantly struggled with mental health issues, and were later diagnosed at autistic. COVID lockdowns provided a safe space that they previously hadn't experienced, and they weren't keen to go back into an unsafe environment that didn't meet their needs, where they were seen by (most) staff members as disobedient and uncooperative, and therefore were regularly punished.

I do also remember plenty of kids in the 90s who didn't attend regularly. It's not a new thing, you're obviously just more aware of it now for some reason. Just know, plenty of parents are doing all they can to support their children to get an education.