AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

[Idontunderstandmodernlife]

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

That's what school refusal was. It's always existed.

My niece had about 3% attendance in her last year at school but I don't know how you can force a teenager to go to school.
In our house it wasn't an issue because I told the kids they were going to school and they did. Not always willingly but they always went.
Had awful trouble getting DD2 in to primary school for the last 3 years, full on meltdowns, and some very scary times but we worked with school to get her in.
I don't understand why it's even a discussion though. You're going to school. End of.

Really interesting to hear this from a teacher!

It goes to show how we all live and learn.

I’m 53 and school refused twice, once in year 5 (off for 2 terms) and once in year 10 (for most of the year) so school refusers did exist. The reasons were complex, ironically I’ve been a teacher for 30 years! My parents tried everything but I was exhibiting physical symptoms- throwing up in the classroom etc and went through lots of medical and psychological testing. It’s not as easy as simply shouting”go to school or else”

I left school about 25 years ago and there were kids then that were hardly ever at school. It's not new. We're just more aware of it.

?

Staff make no difference. All the faux kindness and ‘support’ just adds more pressure. They aren’t refusing because of staff on the whole.

Its the environment they can’t cope with. I was a teacher. I know how l behaved towards these kids until my own dd became one. That shifts your understanding pretty quickly.

Mine refused to even speak to the one who came to the house she was so traumatised by the whole thing.

I absolutely adore learning in all its forms and formats. Still read like mad all sorts. Do online courses for the sake of it. But the people, oh, the people

There have been a lot of posts on this thread already, but to add my experiences:

I certainly did everything in my power to get out of school. Faking illness, to try and get out of going in at all and/or getting sent home. Then later, at secondary school, I worked out that if I said I had a doctors appointment and then signed in at the office later in the afternoon, then no questions were asked - I did that a lot. Eventually I was suspended for truancy, it was when I was in sixth form too - ridiculous - but a relief to have a fortnight off unchecked. I was completely burnt out - undiagnosed audhd. This was the 80’s and 90’s.

My dd completely crashed out of school in year 7 (for the same reason, neither of us diagnosed at this point). I’d challenge any parent to force their child into school in that state - it was extremely distressing.

I think people who sneer tend to be deeply ‘neurotypical’ and are naturally served by the current system. No empathy for anyone who finds it difficult - pull your socks up, I think it should be remembered that school is a modern concept and that the education provided in schools is actually rather limited - that it is essentially a means of occupying kids while their parents are economically active, in turn designed to ensure their future economic contribution. It needs a huge overhaul.

My dc are home educated and it’s one of the best decisions we’ve made as parents - the difference in their wellbeing is astonishing. And yes, they still socialise.

I don't really understand this fining system in the UK. My cousin has a now just turned 16 year old school refuser (he's been badly bullied his whole school life). She's 5 foot. He's 6 foot and built on a large scale. She has tried everything. EVERYTHING. There is no way to get him there through bribery, manipulation, tough love, sulking, threatening, screaming. There is certainly no way for her to physically force him. What is the point in fining her? She certainly doesn't want him at home all day - she's been screaming out for support (he has issues) for years and has received none and they think fining her will solve the problem somehow? She certainly doesn't have the money. I just can't get my head around it.

It used to be called truancy and children had more freedom. Kids would just drop out during the day.

A friend of mine would tell his mum he was leaving as she was getting in the shower, climb into the attic and wait for her to leave for work.

that being said, Covid definitely brought the age down. I had a primary aged child in my class that tried to run into traffic every morning to avoid school.

On they definitely did exist, I was one in the early 90s.
Combination of abuse and poor mental health.
I ened up in a 'children's hospital' where I borded for a while.
Then a pru until I left school.

I wonder about the fines. See here I am (and many others) paying extortionate rates for holidays in school hols to avoid my otherwise 100% attendance 7 year old missing 5 days of school and me getting fined a fortune and threatened with court, meanwhile round the corner my 15 year old stepdaughter has missed 4 months of year 11 because she doesn’t fancy going in and is a “school refuser”, not a fine in sight. What’s that about?

Out of interest, does anyone know what happens to school refusers at private schools ?

Have only read the OP so probably someone else has said similar but one of my dc was a school refuser beginning in 2005 so saying it didn’t exist a decade ago is clearly rubbish.

My daughter was classed as a school refuser. In her case, it was acute anxiety brought on by undiagnosed autism. Whilst she'd managed in primary, the increased demands of secondary school (constant transitions) took its toll until she broke. I'd been strict and getting her in, with various threats/bribes/persuasion until the point she simply would not get dressed and was hysterical. That was 3 years ago. She's now got an EHCP, had 1-2-1 tuition at a lovely place that nurtured her through GCSEs and is now thriving at college and talks about going to university. I used to think like you, how can your kid just refuse, until it happened to my family.

I was at school in the 80s and 90s. There was a kid in my primary who would regularly just walk out of the school grounds or not turn up. It was truancy back then. Kids simply labelled as naughty or trouble makers, written off as never amounting to anything.

I have a "school refuser." My DH and I are both teachers so it's not as if we're happy to let our child miss out on education. We aren't able to work from home so certainly don't enjoy leaving a teenager by themselves all day. Schools, especially secondary schools, are completely different places to when I was at school in the 90s. Ridiculously strict behaviour expectations and draconian punishments for minor offences that do nothing to put off repeat offenders but cause fear and dread in sensitive, well-behaved students. Huge pressure to achieve top GCSE grades.

My daughter is autistic and has selective mutism. Schools are a sensory nightmare for many autistic kids. Bright screens in every classroom, harsh lighting, scratchy, inflexible uniforms. Classrooms either freezing or boiling.

Funding cuts have meant that pastoral support is totally inadequate. There is also a lack of understanding of how autistic girls in particular present and can be supported. IME schools are better at putting things in place to support students with more "obvious" behaviours but do nothing for the high masking girls who are quietly sinking.

I begged endlessly for support. I spent months forcing her in when she was absolutely sobbing and distressed. I'm ashamed to say that in desperation I even dragged her to the car one day. I'm sure I just made everything worse. I have spent thousands of pounds on private therapy and tried several (fruitless) times to get support from CAMHS. Finally by DD's anxiety got so bad she developed an eating disorder and became so physically unwell that she wasn't allowed to go into school for months. After that break was the first time we began to see a glimmer of recovery in her mental health.

I don't particularly care what other people who have no clue about the reality of the situation think, but I do believe if you have no experience of a challenging situation, you aren't in a position to judge others.

@Idontunderstandmodernlife If you hate to be that "in my day" person why have you attempted to be one, it's not done you any favours particularly as you're so misinformed. Simply, of course school refusers existed 10-15 years ago. Kids didn't just go to school, you may have, your friends may have, but not all kids did.

Nothing much has changed in the last 10-15 that parents are now finding it impossible to get their children to school, parents of school refusers, equally found it difficult and impossible 10-15 years ago.

I'm not sure if schools are worse, I'm not even sure if there is more focus on attendance than what there was 10-15 years ago. Are parents more lenient now than 10-15 years ago, no, are children more forceful than they were 10-15 years ago, no. Most people, possibly besides you, are more aware of MH. Just as we are in the workplace, that's definitely been a change in the last 10-15 years. But it's mostly irrelevant as school refusers existed 10-15 years ago.

Is there a reason school refusers and their parents are impacting your life?

My daughter is school age and it's not on my radar whether everyone on the school roll is attending.

Of course school refusers existed. It was just far more likely to be defined as a "bad kid who needs to be punished". I remember kids who stopped coming to school in the 80s.

This is like when people claim we didn't have neurodiversity, just because it wasn't defined that way. People simply haven't changed that much, and I guess if you didn't happen to see these things then they were really talked about.

Just because you’ve not experienced it, it doesn’t mean something didn’t exist/happen.

Three of my (many!) siblings were school refusers. One left school permanently at 13.

This was throughout the 90s.

This is exactly the attitude from school staff that causes school refusal.

When we didn't fancy school we just forged an absence note with our mother's signature. There were some excellent writers. Was all a lot easier before electronic everything.

Absolutely!!!!

Becayse all they care about is attendance. And ‘Every child matters’

Exceot they don’t when they refuse school. They just get more pressure on them.

There seems to be this huge chasm between schools and school refusers. Like it’s unbridgeable. Schools just don’t get it. And keep carrying on in the same format even when it does nothing. Talk about the road to hell.

Child-centred education is the bane of education itself. Children cannot decide what they need because they don't know. Adults have a responsibility to pass on the cutture - the best that has been said, done and written - so that children are grounded in their culture and have the knowledge to negotiate it. That isn't going to be child-centred teaching but it will be child friendly and child enhancing teaching.

This. My DS developed EBSA this school year. School won't elaborate but apparently there was some "disruption" in his new class. He is awaiting an autism assessment. It is a bit better at the moment but it has been horrific. Trying to get his brother to school on the other side of town and myself to work has been a nightmare. People who have not experienced this will never get it.