AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

[Idontunderstandmodernlife]

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

There was a girl school refusing at my schools in the 70s and 80s. It's not new. Don't forget there were special schools as well. They are scarce now.

Agree covid didn't help...very difficult to tell kids thats its important when they were told otherwise during that time. Some parents also saw the breakdown in the social contract.

My sister has ASD and she’s 30, she was diagnosed at 16 after years of my mum fighting but it wasn’t as recognised in girls then. She was a chronic school refuser and it was around the time they introduced fines to the parents. My mum was a struggling single mum and was terrified, but you simply cannot dress a teenager, drag them to car and then force them to go into the buildings it was a highly stressful time, and neither my mother or sister received any support. I’m glad they are more understanding and supportive now.
ironically, part of them delaying to diagnose her, was that they said she was doing well in a mainstream school- she wasn’t attending!

I think of it is trying to inclusive and not funding more SEN provisions, expecting main stream schools to cope.

Most children I know struggling need neurodivergence assessments or mental health help and the wait lists are so long for years and years.

This is not realistic or safe. My father had stopped beating me by 15 because I was taller than him and it had been made clear to him by various people that he couldn't keep getting away with it. He was strong but if he'd tried to manhandle me to school or anywhere else by that point at least one or probably both of us would have ended up seriously hurt, doubtless in hospital. I would have thrown myself in front of a bus before I let him lay a finger on me by that point.

My husband is bigger and stronger than my father was but if he tried to manhandle our 11 year old daughter anywhere and she chose to fight back that would also result in serious injury. Fortunately we have chosen not to parent that way anyway but children of that age absolutely can do serious physical damage and it can't be in any way a good idea to put that to the test.

It was called bunking off. School is horrible for some students. Anxiety high zero mental health support for kids.
I work with emotional based school avoidance and there are a billion reasons. Its quite sad to watch these kids decline with no where to go, and no one to help them. It's so misjudged too people assume kids Anxiety isn't real but in the work place you would be signed off and get rest and support. Kids get punished and threatened with fine, missed proms all sorts of horrible things adults suffering from poor mental health would never have to tolerate

Yes at one point you could go to a special school like respite care for emotional needs someone went because their family broke down this was after years of witnessing dad beating and strangling mum he begged the court to go live with dad he still had bruises across his back so he went to a special school for a year or two before returning to mainstream they were able to give him more support and emotional help when he was in a better position he was returned to mainstream back in the days when children mattered not statistics

My niece was one of these children. She became ill during Year 10 with glandular fever which did a number on her physical and mental health. Before that, she'd enjoyed school. She was in a terrible state and the pressure from the school for her to attend led to a worsening of her MH. She felt like she'd never catch up and when she tried to go in she'd have panic attacks or end up in the toilet with anxiety-induced diarrhoea. She ended up doing online school and is now at Uni enjoying life. It was nobody's fault. My DB and DSIL tried everything to get her back into school but she just wasn't well - I honestly believe that pushing her out of the door every day would have made her far iller in the long run.

This article is interesting - it can happen to any family (including the child of a headteacher!)

www.theguardian.com/education/2024/sep/21/crisis-uk-children-homeschooled-parents-pupils-schools

Interesting responses and opinions. I have had people tell me to my face my child ‘just has to get up and go to school’ like it was that simple. I won’t relay specifics but my child was completely broken and it took us months to nurse them back from the brink. Hilarious, absolutely hilarious that some responses think punishing and threats work.

As a bit of perspective, of my 4 children, 2 managed just fine. 1 won an award for attendance. Never even considered taking time off .

1 child became so very ill they self harmed and needed multiple interventions to recover.

1 child started showing early signs of school based trauma and anxiety around the school environment and we moved them to a private school where they have had intensive counselling to process the trauma and they have attended for 3 years without incident.

If you yourself have not encountered it nor parented it, then you cannot possibly have an understanding of the complexities of the situation.

Would you like to try taking the bed covers off of my six foot body building 17 year old. I’m lucky in that he goes to school but he often doesn’t do other things I ask, there is no way I could get the covers off of him if he was holding them, he would just pick me up and move me out the way.

Absolutely love all the posters saying "I just wouldn't stand for it" mate, I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you... please get back in your box and don't make comments on something you have no understanding of. It's pathetic and disgusting to be honest.

They did! I am one!

I’m 29 now and started school refusing when I was 12, so 17 years ago. My parents tried everything, short of dragging me out of the house. I would have awful panic attacks and meltdowns.

I was referred to a pupil referral unit by a psychiatrist in CAMHS. I was in a mixed age group set of 12-16 year olds. We all had school refusal so it definitely existed. My friends from school had no idea why I wasn’t in school but they never knew it was due to school refusal.

I tried to return to mainstream school a few times so I was kept on the books there but it just didn’t work, school refusal would start again. I became a permanent student at PRU when I was 14. Sometimes I would still school refuse but it was handled very very well by the school. By the time I was in year 11 it was pretty much never.

I was then diagnosed with Asperger’s (now autism). I sat 5 GCSEs as that’s all I was allowed to do. I went on to sixth form and university.

I think COVID has played a huge part.

My friend aged mid 50s hardly went to secondary school but was actually highly intelligent and now has a degree and Masters amongst other qualifications. She just didn't get on with organised education when she was young.

There was kids that refused when I was at school. My best friend got turned down to sit her GCSE’s she missed that much school. Our head of year paid out of her own pocket. She knew her family circumstances. One of her younger sisters hardly went either.

There was a girl about a year older than me who hardly went. She actually has dislexia. She lives near me she was fined for her son hardly going. Her daughter on the other hand has done well.

It was around 97/98 I was dropping my ex’s daughter off at school. There was a mum desperately trying to get her son into school and he was putting up 1 hell of a fight to not go in.

M

Erm.. I was at school 20 years ago and I hardly ever turned up. I had 28% attendance.
I was constantly placed in detention when I was there..
But there was less fuss back then with legal stuff like fines. The parents weren't held as responsible

I was a school refuser in the 80s and 90s.

I’ve not read the whole thread but you are the third poster (including me) that’s spoken about this in female children.

When I started talking to my psychiatrist about my history I could practically see him go - aha- and then he started asking me other slightly different questions and I twigged he thought I was autistic - newsflash - so did I.

I asked him and he said yes I was unfortunately classic case for a girl in that time period - not picked up not diagnosed just given mental health diagnosis and treatment that wasn’t necessarily helpful.

So it can’t have been that unusual even for the time period the OP is thinking of - even if I was an anomaly clearly there were others.

I’ve heard similar so many times from various sources that as soon as I hear about a girl school refuser who was “fine” at primary but not secondary I think “get an autism assessment ” straight away.

Schools are not suitable for a lot of children. Heavy on assessment, specific ways of learning, much reduced play based learning, huge reduction in creative subjects and topics.

I lived in a boarding school abroad which I loathed. My father forced me to stay there with threats. Moved me to another town, again far from my mother, to live with relatives, in a progressive secondary school. I had 0 friends the first year and developped selective mutism, simply decided not to talk to anyone in the breaks. Did my lessons with A plus

I loathed so much the secondary climate that by the time I went to uni, there was a perfect storm inside me

I also think pressure more generally has increased at schools.

There is more concern about performance and academic outcomes - both for the students and the schools themselves.

That sort of pressure can ramp up levels of anxiety and make school a more intimidating place to be I think.

I totally understand how they are a thing. They would kick and scream and do all sorts.

My main question is do the parents get fined if the child refuses?

Truancy is kids avoiding school because they can't see the point and want to hang out with mates. EBSA is children who desperately want to go to school, be 'normal' are bored and lonely at home but can't. Physically cant. No amount of making home uncomfortable will change that. I'm a teacher. I massively value education. I never ever thought I'd have a child who didn't just happily trot along to school. I did. Without a shadow of a doubt the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with and almost the worst bit was dealing with the judgement and lack of understanding from my ex, grandparents etc who wanted me to 'make her'. Wanted me to have her sat in uniform with the heating off so home wasn't nice. Fighting that was harder than dealing with dd.

I’m an 80s baby, and I was classed as having school phobia. So little was understood about it ‘back then’, and I would regularly be taken against my will into school by my parents. I don’t blame them, as they were told they were at risk of going to prison if they didn’t.

I’m thankful it is so different now, and more is being done within schools to help struggling pupils (witnessed first hand as a parent). Lockdown was the trigger for my child.

decades later, I still am an introvert and groups of people where I need to make small talk, terrify me. I often hear myself telling my very democratic lovely colleagues , for the 100th time that I am boring old woman and if I am quiet, I just relax this way, don't think, dear, please, that I don't talk to you, because I don't like you