AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

[Idontunderstandmodernlife]

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

I worked as an education solicitor many years ago. There were rare prosecutions of parents who genuinely didn’t care and were neglectful, young primary age children when the parents gave no explanation until court when they suddenly mentioned bullying. Most parents were doing everything they possibly could to get their children to school. we didn’t deal with them.

Truancy was EBSA for so many before they labelled it.

Anxiety is at an all time high , we are in the midst of a MH crisis .

With respect, unless you have been through dealing with a school refuser, you really have no idea. It takes over your entire life. It’s the most difficult thing as it’s not as simple as just saying your going end of - I can’t pick my 12 year old up and physically drag him into school. My other children have perfect attendance. What can I do that I haven’t already tried.
A large majority of the parents of school refusers have spent years trying to get support for their children.

Would people count someone standing outside each class but unable to go in due to intense anxiety "school refusal"?

Yep, 'welfare' staff (the irony) who don't understand EBSA or care to learn about it.
Won't see that they can be wrong.
Won't accept there is any issue at school or anything they should be doing.
Blame squarely on the parents (anxious, not engaging, lazy) and the child (spoilt, manipulative).

Need to link child benefit to school attendance

A school finally getting it right and not fining for illness?

For my kids' dad, his private school had no issues with him not turning up until it started to affect his grades at which point they managed him out I.e. said leave or we'll expel you before exams.

Spot on

I’ve done all of that. I’ve forced my child into the car kicking and screaming when she was small enough because I felt under so much pressure from her primary school to get her there. She was in too much of a state to stay when we got there. We’ve both been left traumatised by that. Now she’s too big to force into the car even if I did want to try that again. So what now?
We’ve spent thousands on therapy, secondary school have been incredibly supportive and DD really wants to go but can’t. Any other useful suggestions?

I think schools have become straight jacketed focused on being outcome led rather than the looking at the journey students are on. There is little room for teachers to be creative and to enjoy teaching with so much admin and pressure on top. My kids hate school. You ask any other child around here and they all say the same. Our education system is broken. And it’s a sensory nightmare as well. Plus society has never felt more pressured with everyone looking over their shoulder thanks to social media. The bullying doesn’t stop at the end of the school day. Kids can never switch off.

In your day, a lot of people would have hit the bottle or took up other addictions post leaving school or other risky behaviours for example. When you look at it through that lens, you see that managing is not necessarily better.

Over a decade ago I took my then 6 year old out of school to home educate her, as the stress & trauma that was her school experience as an undiagnosed ASD child, was horrendous, regardless of the days where we could get her in or not. So it certainly was happening 10-15 years ago. She's now at sixth form college after 10 years of home ed & doing very well in her A Levels, something that would have been impossible if we had continued down the road of forcing her into school.

Same here in the eighties - kids just stopped going to school until they were able to get a job at 14 or 15. Social workers were a rarity in my day and teachers didn't bother inquiring about anyone who didn't come into school once they turned 14. The teachers in my secondary school told my mother not to bother sending my older sister once she turned 14 so she didn't... That's how casually working-class children were treated - I'm sure it was very different for middle-class children. My sister would have benefitted from staying in education - she was a slow learner, introverted and shy. She ended up working for pittance for the next 45 years but it meant class sizes were smaller and that suited lazy teachers which were most but not all the teachers I had. There were a few diamonds but mainly just people who got the job because of their connections and many of whom had zero interest in passing on the limited knowledge they had to the students "in their care".

It definitely existed but not at the same scale as now. I think it’s a combination of things. Covid definitely shifted peoples viewpoint to how mandatory school is (understandably having been told they can just stay at home for months on end.) Generally if you’re anxious and you stay at home then going out becomes more anxiety inducing.

Parents are more permissive now. No idea if this is good or bad. Lots of kids would have been physically dragged in years ago.

I can’t think of any kids that didn’t turn up regularly at my primary school.

I was at a selective Grammar school in the seventies and we had at least one.

Depends on the school. Mine is brilliantly flexible and allows kids to come in when they can, be set work on Teams, go to the lessons or parts of the school day they can manage and stay in a safe, friendly space when they can't. I've seen a number of pupils join us around y9 and gradually build up, sometimes repeating a year but ultimately coming out with A levels, friends and a future.

Wait. How does she want to go school but is unable to? What scares her about it? I assume she wants to go but just is overwhelmed with negative thoughts that overpower her want to go in?

I knew 3 kids in the 90s when I was in school - 1 who flatly refused to go to school and was officially home educated and 2 who basically just dropped out and got away with it. However, the problem is massively worse now because anxiety is so high. I believe that is isn't neurodivergence that has changed it's anxiety - so many more kids are so deeply anxious about the world now and it saddens me so much because it doesn't have to be like this.

Does significant school refusal have any measurable impacts later on in life? Are these people less well adjusted adults, do they earn less?

Children have played truant for years but in the past parents weren't contacted as quickly and schools didn't check as closely and parents weren't fined.

Mine was desperate to go. But was totally unable to.

This is what people don’t get. Most EBSA’s want to be at school, but just can’t go.

Do you really believe this? Do you really believe that schools are less nurturing places now than they used to be? Despite the fact that teachers no longer use physical punishment to correct children? Despite the fact that teachers so much as look at a kid the wrong way now and their parents are on them like a tonne of bricks? Despite the fact that most schools literally employ staff now as pastoral support? Despite the fact that a significant proportion of school kids now have a diagnosis of some sort that wouldn't even have been heard of a couple of generations ago and are supported with this diagnosis. You really think schools are harder now than they used to be? Most kids today wouldn't know what had hit them if they went to school in their parent's/grandparent's generation.

I think the question we need to ask is the one that OP is trying to ask really. Why are so many children unable or unwilling to cope with the basics of life despite schools being the most supportive and resourceful that they've ever been? At the rate it is increasing I really don't think it's simply a need for 'more support' I think we need to totally shift our attitude towards education and how we manage uncomfortable situations tbh

Back when I was in school I had a friend with ME that would have been considered a school avoider. Mental Health is a much bigger problem. We have a whole generation that were told it was too dangerous to go to school for over 20 of their school life - this has lasting impacts.

Have you read ANY of the responses from those of us who've had to try and parent this? You could take my entire salary away if it would mean I could see my dd thriving and happy in school. 🙄