AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

[Idontunderstandmodernlife]

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

In a lot of these cases I think the answer is Covid.

They did exist. My sister was one. She'd been badly bullied and just stopped going.

It's a very complex issue, connected to but not limited to COVID fall out and the increase in children and young people struggling with poor mental health.

The children who would have been school refusers 15+ years ago were often not seen because they were squirreled away into pupil referral units. Or went in and suffered because their neurodivergent needs weren’t being met.

I don’t think it’s a time to look back on with fondness TBH. It’s absolutely fine to centre children

They have always been there.

i went to school in the nineties. Lots of kids at my school (very working class area) unofficially stopped going.

there wasn’t the focus on making sure each kid was in school and stayed there until 16 that there is now.

attendance has become a real focus for schools in the last two decades.

I’m a teacher and I remember when schools would authorise months long trips to India or Pakistan to see relatives. Definitely not the case now.

kids with cancer and with many serious illnesses are now “encouraged” to be in school aswell.

They did exist

They did exist. Someone in my class was never there. We were told she had ME. She did her GCSEs at a sixth form college later on.

I didn't say I look back on it with fondness

My brother did not go to school regularly 20 plus years ago. He had an unsavoury group of mates who were the same .
Not a lot happened in terms of consequences from the school. I think they were quite happy to not have to deal with him.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school

That's not true. I'm 51, and I was a school refuser. I stopped going to school at the age of 13, and never returned. I was seen by LEA truant officers (as they were then), the GP, and a child psychologist. I moved schools, then moved back again (on the books of course, I didn't actually attend). My parents were offered help, threatened with consequences, the works. I honestly think there was nothing that they could have done differently to get me to go.

Also the truant officers were a thing in the 60s, 70s , 80s so it must have been an issue!

I remember a colleague's son refused to go to school when starting secondary. I think he went for three days and then point blank refused to go again. They never got to the bottom of what happened but he just didn't go. That was in the early 2000s, so over twenty years ago.

It was far rarer because parents didn’t allow children to dictate what happens in more general ways nor allow missing of school for anything but serious illness. It started long before Covid though, there were school refusers in DDs class 12 years ago, dd tried but I forced her in day after day even though I often had to collect her by 11am (dd has asd) driving her and dragging her into the office if needed. Tough love

I am imagining your brother as a teenager, in secondary school, as you say he had "unsavoury mates"

That's just bunking off.

I'm talking about kids who's parents know they are not in school, and can't find a way to make them go.

I wonder if there's too many children and young adults who think they're the centre of the universe.

But I hear what you're saying. I wonder how a balance can be found

I'm 35 and was a school refuser. Of course it existed years ago, it has always existed.

It got to the point where my head of year would pick me up in his car in the morning and drop me off again after school.

Covid broke the contract between schools and families.
Broken mental health services for children, CAMHS is woefully underfunded.
Secondary schools are too big and pressured for some.

You could have described my DD as a school refuser. I called her unwell.

I'm not really talking about truancy

DP was a "school refuser" as a teen. His parents just didn't give a shit either way.

Hi OP, Perhaps in your day the 'school refuser' could exit via the back gate and run home or play truant in the shops. Nowadays school grounds are gated and secure. My ASD kid was dragged into the car and pushed through the front door of the school and guess what..... he developed autistic burnout and has now missed almost 2 whole years of school.
Covid and Academisation would be my targets to blame

It was exactly the same for my sister.It was the early 1970's. and school refusal most certainly did exist back then.She basically stopped attending school full-time when she was about 13.

My son refused school because he was terrified of it. (There was a reason, a traumatic experience). He literally ran away and pushed a teacher over to get out of one placement. You have to be quite a hard person to force your child every day into a situation they can't handle and may resist violently or self harm. We know a family whose teenage son took his own life. It made me a bit cautious about dismissing "mental health" issues.

I had at least a couple in my class who regularly missed school, 90s. One was deputy headmaster’s son

Children used to walk themselves to school. Even primary age ones. Some frequently did just not go in.
It would have been called playing truant and they might have faked sick notes.
These days if a child is off school ill parents have to contact the school on the day. In the past parents wrote a note afterwards ("Johnny wasn't in school yesterday because he had a dodgy tummy").
If a child doesn't turn up at school these days the parents are contacted. That didn't happen in the past.
Now some kids would have been bunking off because they fancied doing something more fun but a lot of those truants would have been unhappy or frightened children wandering the streets for 6 hours until they could go home.

My DD had EBSA. She has ASD, it took 3 years to get a diagnosis, and the undiagnosed ASD caused her to develop severe anxiety that prevented her from going to school. She was depressed, and has since disclosed that she had suicidal thoughts.

I tried everything to get her into school, and that did nothing but make her Mental Health worse.

I felt like an utter failure, and cried and cried about it. I could see (and feel) the judgment from people like the OP (just drag them in). Luckily I found supported communities online, with other parents going through the same thing.

I know his this thread will end up - lots of comments about lazy parents, and taking devices off children etc etc. You really should try walking in the shoes of a parent with a young person with EBSA, you would not be as quick to judge.

This might help you understand OP