AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

[Idontunderstandmodernlife]

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

How you you 'make them go'?

They did exist 15 years ago. 26 years ago I was a school refuser in year 6. I stayed home 2 days a week most weeks refusing to go in. Now as an adult I’m diagnosed ASD and ADHD.

I mean, how long ago are you talking? It's been 16 since 1972. I don't think it's especially helpful to drag up a school leaving age from the century before last.

In my day is bullshit. I can think of at least four school refusers from my year, a very long time ago. The term itself was also used.

Not going to school wasn't an option for me, it never really occurred to me to say I wasn't going. It's also not a choice for my children- unless they are seriously ill, they go to school and there's no alternative.

I wondered whether my standpoint was overly harsh and asked my SD16 what she thought and she said that if your child was anxious about going to school, the worst thing you could do as a parent was let them stay off. She has lost a few friends who first stopped coming to school and have now retreated entirely from life and is adamant that being allowed to avoid the problem just makes it worse.

My DS wouldn't go, aged 7, 12 years ago, and we spent about 2 years in/out missing a lot. I was absolutely at my wits' end. We got through it in the end and he is doing well now, but it was such a stressful time. He just got really, really anxious and wouldn't/couldn't leave me.

@Crushed23 how do you know there wasn't any school refusers?
I can't imagine every single member of your form group was at school every single day.
People would have been off "sick" all the time and just because they said they were off with flu/the shits/a cold didn't mean it was true.

Oh FFS of course they existed. I was one, 30 years ago. And my DC has periodic school refusal now.

The increase in neurodiversity has of course directly increased the number who can’t cope with school - not because they ‘refuse’, but because school is too much for them to cope with.

And until you’ve known the desperation and upset of trying to get a child into school who refuses, please don’t pass judgement. It is incredibly, incredibly difficult. It has nearly broken me as a parent.

They did exist. Some committed suicide because they were often physically forced to school. 2 out of my secondary year of 100 did.

To your questions: yes, yes, yes and yes and also it's only pretty recently schools have collected accurate attendance statistics so apples and oranges.

Did my GCSEs in 1998.

One friend with a terrible home life was driven to and from school by the deputy headmistress.

One was dropped off by her mum by car every morning. She walked out the other gate, caught a train to somewhere else, and was back in time to be picked up.

One girl emigrated without telling any staff. About a month later some teacher said to us: I guess she’s not coming back?

They did exist, but there was less tracking of the situation. No mobiles, no e-mail addresses. No attendance apps.

Nowadays - DS(9) had an early morning Dr appt. I told his class teacher, but didn’t use the app as you can only sign off for a full day. Class teacher didn’t pass the message on to the specialist teacher in class that morning. Within an hour, both emergency contacts had been rung as son hadn’t turned up at school.

(Germany. You‘re not technically allowed a Dr appt during school (which is only half a day), but as there’s a paediatrician shortage, everyone accepts it. DS even got an extra day‘s holiday as an exciting place we wanted to visit didn’t quite fit into half term. We had to make a written case for it, though).

Also, lucky you.

Switch off the wifi, take their bedcovers away, hand them their uniform and tell them to get up?

I’ve just left working in a secondary school as a therapist and my observation is lots of the children who don’t manage ( I don’t like the term school refusers)that have individual difficulties , generally physical health or mental health including social problems that impact on their engagement and actually cause more trauma being there . Until we take an individual approach to understanding and supporting the child’s difficulty , including adapting the environment sadly many children will lose out in education and parents will be fined . Sadly teachers don’t have the time and small units should be funded to support . Trauma must also be taught in all schools as shouting and scaring children which I’ve seen should not happen

Probably one of those things it’s easy to dismiss ‘as a thing’ because you’ve never had to experience it as a parent. Social media probably plays a big part in why it’s more prevalent nowadays and also why you hear about it much more than in years gone by. As others have identified, School refusers are not a new thing.

that is the case for kids who are a bit anxious. it is NOT the case for children for whom school is pure terror.
I had 2 friends committing suicides as a teen because of this attitude.

I think that some of the high functioning kids would have coped with school with the odd day off to regulate themselves. On Twitter an autistic adult was saying that while undiagnosed, while she was at school it was known that she “suffered with her nerves” and sometimes had to go home / stay off. Her marks were always good regardless so the staff let her get on with it. These days they would have insisted on 95% attendance and she’d be a school refuser, I think.

Unless you live with one you cannot understand it. I have 4 children 1 stopped going to school in yr 10 and our lives are happier for it.

OP, you yourself sound defensive. Picking away at definitions because your post hasn't got the responses/article-fodder you were hoping for.

MN is a lot wiser about rising to bait these days. And dog-whistle usernames too.

My daughter was a school refuser. I had to carry her in in her pants because she refused to get dressed or leave the house. I’d have to bodily pin her in the car while my mum drove to get her there.

I don’t remember much of that happening when I was at school but then I was a kid, it could’ve been happening all around me and I wouldn’t have paid attention.

What a load of rubbish. In my day there were lots of school refusers. I was one of them, but people just didn't care so much about attendance in them days.

Hopefully your 16 year old will soon be learning about the difference between causality and correlation.

How else does your 16 year old think the world should be run?

I don't think they implied that

They have always been a thing
My now adult child school refused 13 years ago, had a breakdown, later diagnosed ASD.
Thankfully they are now back in education, with the right support, but it took years to get here

In Primary School, in 90s, one of my classmates would regularly just walk out when things got too much. He lived next door, so could easily get home. He was eventually diagnosed with autism, when it was pretty much still unheard of in regular life

My second experience is my DD. When she was 8, she got severe anxiety around going into school. I could get her there... but actually into the classroom was a battle. She was crying and screaming etc, while a staff member basically dragged her in. Apparently within 10mins she was fine.
A consequence of moving house... and all the local schools refusing her a place until we hot to Appeal (which lasted about 5 minutes as the case was that clear). She was terrified the school would suddenly say she wasn't supposed to be there.
Fortunately for her mental health... Covid happened. 6 months off school helped her.

Its always been there... now it just has a name. Like Autism, and ADHD.