AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

[Idontunderstandmodernlife]

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

Well if I knew, I wouldn't be asking, would I?

You're making a completely arbitrary distinction between truancy and school refusal. It's a different name for the same thing. I do think it is currently more of an issue - which I do think is a result of the poor mental health of young people as a group among other things - but it's always been an issue.

This. I stopped going to school when I was 14. Well I went, in the front door out the back. Nowadays my kids need buzzing out an 8ft gate to get out. OP Your distinction between truancy and school avoidance is not a real one.

Addionally, have you ever tried to force a 6ft 12st 14 year old to physically go anywhere? My DS all out weigh and are taller than me. I couldn't force them to do anything. Luckily for me they went to school

When my brother refused to go to school in the 90s my mum yelled at himuntil he decided leaving the house and wandering the streets was a better option.

When my son "refused" to go to school (EBSA, not refusal) I tried everything in my power to help him. Which didn't include forcing him to attend somewhere that was causing a breakdown.

I hate to say that I also think schools are poor these days, and not places that children want to be.

Oh I was an arrogant little shit (although as an adult I can also see that anxiety was an issue) who was bored at school and thought it was a waste of my time.

I still got my exams and have a degree and successful career. Although in previous jobs I've felt the urge to check out occasionally in a fairly similar manner to what I felt in school.

@Idontunderstandmodernlife also you have to remember in the past the leaving age was lower so many who are school refusers now would have simply been able to leave.
The original school leaving age (England) was age 10.

School now is not like school 30 years ago. It’s far more pressured, far stricter with tiny things like uniform, the schools are bigger and noisier, the lights are brighter, the bullying carries on outside school via social media plus more parents are working so days are longer with breakfast and after school clubs. Budgets are stretched, classes are bigger, there’s fewer special schools, not enough support for kids with sen in mainstream.
Plus as others have said, it was much easier to go in but go straight back out of a different gate back then.
I mean, quite a few reasons really if you genuinely want to know. It’s not indulgent parenting it’s kids being pushed to breaking point.

Completely agree with you OP

So let’s assume most parents have the capacity to tell their child they will attend school. Child says no and refuses to engage in discussion. What are you going to do?
Threaten?
Bribe?
Bully?
Your response is based on having compliant children that is not the case for every child.

TBH, my parents were skint - I have no idea what would have happened in the modern day with fines and such - I suspect a much worse outcome for all involved.

I would say:

• The impact of Covid and being isolated from school, friends and family.
• higher levels of anxiety and mental health - possibly due to Covid and lifestyle factors.
• social media/mobile phones - I think this has a lot to do with mental health. Not just for the expectations but when I was at school you had a fallout or embarrassed yourself it was over till the next day. Now it’s texts, phone calls, social media posts, group calls. No time for children to wind down.

This summarises the comparison really well.

It’s easy to look back with rose tinted glasses, but the fact is so many children slipped through the cracks and were practically abandoned with no support. These children grow into unhappy adult who have MH problems and in the worst cases, commit suicide.

Its far better to actually listen to and support children rather than just bellow commands at them

My brother never went to school - not truanting, refused to get dressed and barricaded himself into his room. He wouldn't even come out for food. This was in the 80s he'd come downstairs in the small hours and grab supplies before repeating the process. We had the child catcher (truant officer) round, GP, a psychologist that Mum knew and the advice was basically to leave them- no help whatsoever. They have a doctorate now and an ASD diagnosis.

I'd be interested to know school refusal rates in special schools in the 80s and 90s and previous. Many kids with SEN in mainstream schools now would have been in special schools then, so unless you know that information you can't really make a true comparison, anecdotally or otherwise.

They did exist as I know of 2 friends who stopped going to school in the late 90’s, it’s just they weren’t referred to as school refusers, more like dropouts

20 years ago I was pushing my seven yr old through the door and running away. At parents’ evening the teacher said he was like a different child during the afternoons- fully engaged and bright while doing topic work, vacant throughout literacy and numeracy hour.

We were able to find a different school, fee paying but cheap, that didn’t do the national curriculum. It took a while but he gradually recovered. Not everyone would have been able to facilitate that.

Our education system is not set up for all the dc. It only works for the majority and at the expense of the minority. It’s factory farming for kids.

Absolutely, school affected my mental health for a long time but there was no way that my parents would be open to me sharing my feelings more than once. Ridicule and anger was their answer to all negative feelings.

I sometimes think the school system is an 150 year old social experiment which is currently in the "going horribly wrong" stage.

The state comp that I teach at is much better than the (private) school I went to in the 90s. I am delighted to be able to send my own children there. We are also nurturing and inclusive, with outstanding behaviour and outcomes.

Of course they existed! The younger ones weren't really talked about and the older ones were called playing truant.

I used to think like you. Then my child refused to go to school. It was after the first lockdown and returning to a place that was full of people, and uncertainty (classes were always being sent home because of COVID) was too much for them and had a real.toll.of their wellbeing. It took support from the GP, talking therapy and school being supportive and at last they went back in. I feel we were lucky we could resolve it.

Yes they did. My older cousin was a school
refuser in the 80s. His dad would drive him to the gate and walk him in and he would simply run away from school. He just hated school and left with no qualifications. He’s fine now and got himself a trade, so it was a thing

I left school in 2008. Due to parents’ career I went to 5 different schools altogether. I never came across a single school refuser.

I don’t have children and have no dealings with any schools - how widespread actually is the problem?

I see you, I've been there.
We took the advice we were given at the time from the only "expert" we had and tried to drag her in and ultimately ended up traumatising DD, and actually me too, which only made everything worse.
It's only with our learning and understanding, recovery time, and now a more supportive school that DD has managed to raise her attendance to a "mere" 70%