Need help asserting myself with my resignation from a committee I'm on

[FlyBy2026]

I need some help with an unemotional resignation email.

I've been on a committee for something (not work) and it has got to the point where I would describe why role as being thrown under a bus, unsupported and it has caused me a lot of stress and time and energy, unpaid and unthanked.

The person who runs the organisation has been quite rude to me, and I thought it was just me being sensitive, but other people have picked up on it now. I think this person holds a management position in their day job and basically talks to me like I am one of their staff, who has not met a deadline or got caught chatting whilst working.

Anyway I have had enough. There is a project I have been working on for 4 months and it will be done and dusted this weekend. Before I am given any more things to do I want to resign my position.

This is what I would like to say to the leader:

"I am absolutely furious. You have been very rude and disrespectful to me, and you can find some other mug to do this. I don't need this stress in my life and I have volunteered hours and hours of my time to organise things. What's more I don't want to be a member of this organisation anymore either. Bye!"

My passive DH thinks I should just say I am busy and cannot do this any more and can't find the time to come along either. I think this is defeatist.

There is not really an AIBU here, maybe AIBU to send my version, which I am of course. I would like to give them the feedback that I don't think I've been supported, and they have been disrespectful and that I am leaving, but I need a few pointers on how to word that assertively and not like a hot head.

Yeah I wouldn't send your one. Tempting as it may be. It sounds too hot headed.

I'd say something like-

'I've decided to step down from my position.

While I am proud of what I achieved I don't feel as if I was sufficiently supported by you.

Your style of working seemed to be to treat me as a subordinate. Leading me to conclude it is not beneficial for me to continue spending so much effort and time on this role.

This might be something for you to think about when finding a new chair.'

In the spirit of personal development you might want to consider how to avoid this next time.

Did you give the leader feedback?
Did you call out perceived rudeness?
Did you have regular reviews/catch ups?
Did you set (and maintain) clear boundaries?

This is just as bad as the OP's first version 😆

Tempting as it is I suggest a formal, politely curt resignation letter stating resignation effective from x date.

Then if asked if you'll reconsider state that you are no longer willing or able to do so.

If asked why THEN you can state that you have increasingly felt that the way you have been communicated with and treated has been unpleasant and disrespectful, to the point that you are no longer willing to tolerate it despite having enjoyed the positive aspects of the role in their own right.

Be ice cold rather than blow your top - it will get the message across more clearly.

You don't have to formally resign, they don't employ you, she isn't your boss.

Haha. You reckon? Fair enough 😂

You should go with cold hard facts, especially in writing.

"I wish to inform you that I will be stepping down from my position (title) effective from X date".

If queried "surely you can't be surprised" and leave it at that.

This is really well balanced and cleverly understated..😆 providing you leave out the fuckitybye

I’ve been in a similar situation. You don’t need to justify why you are leaving, your mind is made up. The people pleaser part of you might feel uncomfortable with this, but keep it factual. If they push , shut it down and don’t engage. Don’t do what I did and agree to carry on til they find a replacement etc. Good luck, I expect you’ll feel relieved.

Sometimes it’s not what you say, it’s what you DON’T say!
How about “I resign with immediate effect”?
Simple, direct, deliberately to the point and intentionally curt.

I wish to resign from my role on the committee on x date when the blah blah project is completed.
I have other interests I wish to give my time to now.
best regards
me

if you give criticism the wrong people may think it’s directed at them. Keep it v brief

I like this.

Or ‘I don’t feel the need to discuss it, thanks’.

Have you posted before @FlyBy2026 , it sounds very familiar 🤔

YY to the absolutely basic resignation phrasing. It screams, ‘DON’T EVEN START ME, RICHARD.’

My tip for dealing with awful people is to be incredibly nice. They have no idea what to do with that (and they can’t quote or bad mouth you).

so I’d say - ‘as the x project is coming to an end I’d like to let you know that my last day is x. It has been such a pleasure creating this together and I wish you well with the rest of this years plans.’

it will blow their petty minds

There was a similar thread fairly recently involving golf I think?

Absolutely agree with keeping it to the facts of resigning. If you feel you need to add anything like a reason, something like, "I've been re-evaluating my commitments for the upcoming year and I needed to cut back on voluntary roles."

I think you can tell anyone who asks you in person an unemotional version of the truth: that you felt your contributions weren't valued, that you were treated poorly, and that you'd rather give your time and efforts elsewhere.

I was thinking of a different thread where OP was feeling used by people and spending a huge amount of time on a project for the committee. They treated her really badly and took her for granted. I believe she struggled to say 'no' and with assertiveness.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5470622-i-feel-down-about-the-hobby-i-took-up

This one @FlyBy2026

If it's you. Please leave them.

Yes I've linked above.

I agree with other PP's who advocate a short, formal announcement; nothing to come back and bite you. Keep it sparse on detail, leave them wondering.
However, if it makes you feel better, you could draft the version where you give both barrels, chapter and verse, being as petulant as you like.
Then print it off and shred it, jumping up and down on the pieces if it helps, or burning it.
At report-writing time, I would sometimes draft the scurrilous, warts and all version of what I would like to say, which was then destroyed; I found it lightened my spirits.
Console yourself with the image of the oncoming dilemmas they will face, without you to clear up the mess, reluctant to admit to themselves that it is their loss that you were unappreciated.

It its harder to quit a voluntary role on a committee than a job.

No it isn't. You won't lose salary over it, you needn't worry about references or any of the other life effects of leaving a job. Just say that you have decided to resign your position and, additionally, leave the organisation. You can either say "with immediate effect" or "my final day will be xxx" then "yours sincerely" and the job is done. You might like to add that you will of course delele any relevant documents, emails, contact details and so on from any personal equipment that you may own, and request that they delete your details and personal information from their database.

I know this feeling! Voluntary committees, subcommittees, projects etc can be verrrrrry challenging and have been much harder people wise than anything I've ever experienced in my professional life.

Don't say what you plan to. I get why you want to but save it for another day.

Once your project is completed, resign, step back. Be gracious and classy and thank everyone who was part of the success of the project.

Something more like: "As the x project has come to a close, it feels the right time to step away from the role and committee. I'm proud of what we've been able to achieve and I hope that the community continues to benefit from the work of the committee."

Don't make it personal. Don't make it about them.

Of course, you're free to word of mouth your relief to whoever you want but keep emails and meetings and letters professional and rise above. This person sounds like they'll drive other people away which is to the detriment of whoever should benefit from the committee's activities.

Is this the golf committee?

Please don’t send this. It demeans you.

Yes, but going on about how furious you are and complaining about your treatment in your resignation letter isn't 'assertive', it's the classic thing that unassertive people or people-pleasers do -- they don't actually assert themselves in the role, or communicate clearly with whoever is exploiting them, they seethe with silent resentment and bottle it up until they explode when it's far too late to do them any good.

What @FavouriteBlueMug said, for future reference. But telling them why you're resigning isn't going to do you any good at all, or magically make you assertive. Just send a frostily professional email, and be done with it. And ask yourself why you keep allowing yourself to be treated like shit in voluntary roles. Take an assertiveness course.