Need help asserting myself with my resignation from a committee I'm on

[FlyBy2026]

I need some help with an unemotional resignation email.

I've been on a committee for something (not work) and it has got to the point where I would describe why role as being thrown under a bus, unsupported and it has caused me a lot of stress and time and energy, unpaid and unthanked.

The person who runs the organisation has been quite rude to me, and I thought it was just me being sensitive, but other people have picked up on it now. I think this person holds a management position in their day job and basically talks to me like I am one of their staff, who has not met a deadline or got caught chatting whilst working.

Anyway I have had enough. There is a project I have been working on for 4 months and it will be done and dusted this weekend. Before I am given any more things to do I want to resign my position.

This is what I would like to say to the leader:

"I am absolutely furious. You have been very rude and disrespectful to me, and you can find some other mug to do this. I don't need this stress in my life and I have volunteered hours and hours of my time to organise things. What's more I don't want to be a member of this organisation anymore either. Bye!"

My passive DH thinks I should just say I am busy and cannot do this any more and can't find the time to come along either. I think this is defeatist.

There is not really an AIBU here, maybe AIBU to send my version, which I am of course. I would like to give them the feedback that I don't think I've been supported, and they have been disrespectful and that I am leaving, but I need a few pointers on how to word that assertively and not like a hot head.

Dear Billy Big Balls Nathan

Now that Project X is drawing to a close, I'd like to take this opportunity to inform you that I am stepping down from my role as committee member. My resignation will take effect from 31/03/2026.

I have recently been evaluating my post on x committee and feel that my time would be best used elsewhere.

Please let me know when you have identified a replacement. I'll be happy to hand over my notes/meet with them to update them.

Kind regards

@FlyBy2026

I wouldn't use any of this obsequious "after careful and continued consideration" quasi-legal bollocks.

Just say what you mean.

Now that the [BIG TOURNAMENT/WHATEVER] has finished, I won't be continuing with the voluntary [WHATEVER IT IS] role.

I've found it to be a bigger commitment and a more thankless task than I was expecting.

Thanks to everyone who supported me in the role and best of luck in your search for a replacement.

Please leave out the middle bit. No need to provide talking points for the gossips

You are still misunderstanding @dizzydizzydizzy
Their behaviour, the throwing of rocks is designed to hurt you and draw you in, its what they want to do to make you feel bad
I mean catching rocks is going to hurt you ?
They hurt you so you carry their pain/ anger thats inside them
So dont involve yourself, step aside and let their words aka the rocks fall to the ground
You keep yourself protected, their words fall away ...
Their anger remains theirs

If you catch the rocks,get into an argument, ask them why they are saying that, explain or defend etc
They have then got you exactly where they want you and of course they will continue .

Sorry for the thread derail but I think its an important point when dealing with bullies.

@FlyBy2026 Step away quietly and maintain your dignity
Bear in mind what you experienced will not be in isolation

No need not to.

You can't control what people talk about. Gossips gonna gossip.

Some will.

No need to provide an email they can pass around which can be used as evidence for all kinds of stories

It’s not uncommon for people pleasers to over-assert themselves when they do snap. A lot of resentment builds up when you are constantly putting yourself out for others, thinking that they will eventually acknowledge and be grateful for what you are doing. Then they don’t / aren’t and it’s a slap in the face. Because you aren’t used to asserting yourself, you go ott and write an angry email like your first draft. Assertive doesn’t have to mean angry: you only think that because you are not used to asserting yourself or setting your boundaries, and it feels like you’re being aggressive in doing so. The more you do it, the more you will learn that being assertive can be a very calm, measured approach.

lots of ideas above for more straightforward, assertive, calm responses. I personally do like the ´grin fuck’ approach, it means you continue to occupy the moral high ground. I’d keep it as short and emotionless as possible and stick to the bare facts.

No need to care about what a bunch of people you don't respect say about you.

I ignored their comments and tried to not let them get to me. But in the end if there are two people bullying one other person in a group and nobody does anything to stop them and the bullies just carry on and on, the only options you have is to carry on ignoring it or leave the group.

As a domestic abuse victim, I know that the strategy of ignoring a bully doesn't work long term if they keep up with the bullying: Words are harmful.

I also got bullied in a WhatsApp group for a particular hobby. I would put neutral posts in the group, one was along the lines of "I listened to this podcast and thought some of you might like it." The instructor replied to this with 2 incredibly long messages about how she had known everything that was mentioned in the podcast for decades, and then some. She bought the product mentioned every month from an artisan producer in a particular region of Italy etc etc etc. It was honestly an absolute thorough put down for no reason and I'm pretty sure a total lie from beginning to end. There were many other times that I made innocuous comments and she decided to make them
Into a stick to beat me with. And again nobody stuck up for me in the group (although many of them did speak to me in private and say they were shocked and disappointed with the instructor's behaviour.) Again, I ignored the comments in the hopes my total lack of reaction would remove the fuel from the fire but it didn't. So again, I stepped out of that group. Although happily I'm still friends with everyone in that group except the instructor.

Again none of it was really anything to do with you

I never understand why people take things so personally, she was showing off, so what?
Why would other people have " stuck up for you" ?
Let people make a show of themselves, yiu cant control their replies
Either deal with it or dont
Cant bear all the silly drama in these type of groups
Bullies can only bully you if you feel what they are doing is anything to do with you, it never is, they are just looking for someone to take it personally

Well that sounds like you are saying that it is my fault for feeling bulllied.

That's not how bullying works, which is why in good schools, it is the bullies that get into trouble. It's not the victims who are told to put up with it.

Behaviour that I have described in my PPs is all stuff like belittling me and putting me down in front of the group (and for context there wasn't just that one incident, there were many - it was part of a pattern of behaviour) . It's all about social dominance. A normal decent person would have replied, if at all, with a thumbs up or 'thanks for sharing'.

No thats not what Im saying at all

Her falling over herself to show off is not very nice but its nothing to do with you
Its about her own issues and insecurities

People who have healthy childhood and healthy self esteem dont even register this type of thing because they know its not to do with them.
Their inner confidence and stability is innate
I had a traumatic childhood
I spent years tying myself in knots about what other people did until a 5 minute telephone conversation with a counsellor changed my life!
She was just getting in touch prior to my first counselling session but she told me the above and we explored it further over the weeks in therapy.

I wondered for years why I was targeted and it was mind blowing to finally realise other peoples bullshit is nothing to do with me so dodge the rocks and dont pick them up for someone.

I dont want to derail so will leave it there
All the best

Take all emotion out and say simply that you wish to resign in order that other people can have the opportunity to gain experience in this role.

Excellent, you’ve made your point re the culture but haven’t harmed yourself in the process

I understand you and I have been there. Bullies need somebody to bully. Its not about you, its about them. They will pick someone who they think is victim material. This is not victim blaming and I am not saying that bullies shouldn't get comeuppance or victims of bullying should put up with it. What I am saying (and i think you are too) is that ots possible to reframe our own thinking and change our own behaviour.

This!

Just an update.
The “event” has passed but I have not handed in my cap yet. That’s not from a lack of courage, more to do with a few loose ends I need to tie up and then there’s a very thick line drawn under it.

Also, there’s a committee meeting in 2 weeks, so I plan on saying that I’m not attending nor carrying on so they can discuss it there and find someone new.

I’m planning on sending an emotionless email, like you all suggest, but there is one more thing I need advice on.

There were in the end a couple of people who caused most of my stress with the demands, pickiness and difficult behaviour. All of the changes I made where to suit them and it took a lot of my time to do this. They agreed they were 100% happy with the changes and would go ahead and attend.

Then they didn’t sign up.

A part of me is raging and thinks I should pull them up on this. However, I’ll also see them around so my choices are a) they are laughing at me if I say nothing and b) if I do say something my name will be mud.

I’m really cross!

Are these people on the committee or members?

Just to add that on the night my DH advised me to just go along and be all smile and wave penguin and just get it done, which I did.

A few people tried to engage me with a bit of gossip about x and y not being there (2 of main committee members) and why didn’t they want to attend but I just looked at them blankly as if I didn’t know what they were talking about, and not noticed (or cared) about their absence.

But I’m fuming!

Committee

I’d say about 1/3 of the committee didn’t sign up, or have the courtesy to say they weren’t going for whatever reason. But these 2, had me running around like a headless chook for their demands and I changed lots of things to accommodate them.

Don't pull them up, they will love that.

Yes, I agree.
But then being a pushover has got me to the place I’m in.
I also feel like I’ve been low level bullied/ set up to fail, and I’ve never let someone get away with bullying my kids, so why am I hiding under a leaf?

Dilemma

Why would you give them the satisfaction of knowing they got to you?

Email your resignation to the chair stating that you are standing down with immediate effect. Full stop.

Alternatively, if you are not comfortable with the starkness of it, you could add on a bit saying you have decided to step down from the committee, and now that the project is complete, this is an appropriate time and you are stepping down with immediate effect..

Honestly, it will be used against you if you do that.

If you really feel the need, you could say something along the lines of you believing you are no longer a good fit for the committee, as evidenced by the poor attendance at the event. But really, I wouldn't.