Need help asserting myself with my resignation from a committee I'm on

[FlyBy2026]

I need some help with an unemotional resignation email.

I've been on a committee for something (not work) and it has got to the point where I would describe why role as being thrown under a bus, unsupported and it has caused me a lot of stress and time and energy, unpaid and unthanked.

The person who runs the organisation has been quite rude to me, and I thought it was just me being sensitive, but other people have picked up on it now. I think this person holds a management position in their day job and basically talks to me like I am one of their staff, who has not met a deadline or got caught chatting whilst working.

Anyway I have had enough. There is a project I have been working on for 4 months and it will be done and dusted this weekend. Before I am given any more things to do I want to resign my position.

This is what I would like to say to the leader:

"I am absolutely furious. You have been very rude and disrespectful to me, and you can find some other mug to do this. I don't need this stress in my life and I have volunteered hours and hours of my time to organise things. What's more I don't want to be a member of this organisation anymore either. Bye!"

My passive DH thinks I should just say I am busy and cannot do this any more and can't find the time to come along either. I think this is defeatist.

There is not really an AIBU here, maybe AIBU to send my version, which I am of course. I would like to give them the feedback that I don't think I've been supported, and they have been disrespectful and that I am leaving, but I need a few pointers on how to word that assertively and not like a hot head.

You've had some good advice, OP. It's amazing how often this voluntary committee work can be such a poison chalice. I used to be on my local residents committee. We dealt with a range of very varied issue affecting the area. At that time I was a keen cyclist. There were two women on the committee who were keen horse riders. Every time we gathered in our meeting room, waiting to start, these two horse riders would talk very loudly about what awful people cyclists were, with the full knowledge that I was a cyclist. What bullies! I handed in my notice because I thought there was absolutely no point in complaining because they were very well respected on the community and rather wealthy. They used to do things like hold coffee mornings for the elderly. It's a shame that people feel the need put others down.

Dear Chair,
I resign my position as your whipping boy or (whatever it was) with effect from Friday, February 6th. I shall send my clubhouse keys to you by courier from that date.
I wish the disrespectful asshole committee success in its future projects,
Regards
FlyBy

As someone whose job involves supporting a lot of committee volunteers, something in the middle would be useful from my POV. People can’t improve if they don’t know the real reason you’re stepping down - there’s a polite but firm way to get your point across.

I would structure as: I am resigning, last meeting will be x date blah blah

I’d like to give some constructive feedback. I have volunteered a lot of time to this project and have often felt disrespected. It is the right time for me to stand down now but I wanted to feed back on my volunteer experience”

Respectfully, it isn't the OP's job to provide people who mistreated her with feedback. If they're concerned about why she resigned, they are of course free to write to her and ask her about her reasons.

I've been on and off a variety of committees over the years. You don't have to 'resign' from a voluntary committee position. You just tell them you are stepping down from your position on whatever date.

"Dear Chairperson,
Project X has now come to a conclusion. After long and careful consideration, I have therefore decided to step down from the committee of Organisation with immediate effect. With kind regards, FlyBy."

Don't say any more than that. It really isn't needed. Generally speaking, people tend to do it immediately before the AGM, but you don't have to do that.

This is perfect. It is brief, factually accurate and free of all emotion. It is more than sufficient.
Never, ever put personal or emotional content in a resignation letter - it just makes the writer look bad.

You are a volunteer. You aren't resigning from an official position. There is no contract, nor any penalties for leaving early.

You're stepping down from a voluntary position on a committee. There is no obligation to stay for a specific term. You can leave with no notice at all and whenever you like. You don't have to say why, and if anyone asks, just say you don't want to do it any more.

I was on a committee where another member badgered me so much that he was pestering me to write emails in his behalf on Easter Sunday. I resigned immediately . I first emailed the rest of the committee a polite message to say I was resigning from that moment and then I replied to the bully (a male misogynist) that I couldn't fulfil his request as I was no longer a committee member.
i didn't say any more than that I was resigning and gave no reasons. However everybody knew why I'd left . And although he and his wife suddenly changed their behaviour towards me and begged me to go back I refused .
I'm still able be on good terms with that community .

I'm on a different committee now and people do moan and make mad suggestions , I find that the best way to deal with them is to say yup, good idea would you like to do it, they soon disappear and I carry on with my task in hand , but I'd be more than happy to let someone else take over, should they wish .
in other words resign , don't complain , don't explain . Your fellow committee members will know the score .

I like this!

I would suggest that you firstly make sure that it goes straight to the whole committee - that way you cannot be misrepresented to the entire committee.

I remember when dh had offered to stay on a committee that he had done a lot of work for, and assist with setting the next couple of months afterwards, because things were going rather badly wrong and the experienced people had all stepped down. The night before the next meeting (at about 10pm) he got a message from the chair (with whom he'd discussed it with and asked him to stay only the previous week) who said that he thought it was inappropriate for him to stay on so as he was only staying to try and give the chair a fair chance to get this done, he agreed.
In the meeting the next day it was phrased by the chair "Mr Thursday has resigned. He left it until 10pm last night to tell me, which has left me with no time to fill the gap...."

I'd also say from the point of view of having been there, I think if you can potentially cope with the potential fallout, make sure that it is clear that it is due to one particular person.
Having been the fifth person to resign directly due to a specific person (and several more mostly due to them), it was frustrating to be told that no one else had a problem with them. If everyone had been honest, then something would have had to be done which would have been far better for the group.
It would have also given the people who were in the position of considering resigning potential leverage to say that there was an issue. As it was everything continued as "normal" and more people resigned leaving a very empty hole.

But keep it from being emotional. Keep it factual as much as possible, and ideally make sure you have examples (if you have physical proof or witnesses even better) for each.

How about you resign and then have a chat with the person you feel disrespected by face to face.
Always make me feel better.

"Dear X

Please accept this as my resignation. Effectively immediately."

And if the lead person reaches out for more information "Honestly I found your behaviour and attitude intolerable"

Exactly this. Be the bigger person in your formal communication. Save the red mist for if/when they ask you why.

The shorter the better.

That makes points without you having to.

Get your own back. Send a polite resignation letter but just say you know longer have the time to give your support.

And because of this also give you
apologies for the fact you have not have time to do much of the project. And just either do not hand any of it in. Or just submit the first few pages.

This man needs to learn a lesson and this is your chance. Let him do if he is so wonderful.

Step away and live for yourself in the future not for other people. Don't worry about what other people think of you.Just block them.

Good Luck
🤞

Trust me, saying as little as possible will infuriate them even more. Then ghost the shit out of them.

This is a very smart tactic. I call it a grin fuck.
So be be OTT nice and they obviously know you're lying but can't say a word because you've been sooooo nice and polite on paper!!

Say as little as possible, just state that you're resigning, don't give any reasons they can argue with and try to talk you out of. If they hassle you in person, just say personal reasons/family responsibilities/I'm not the right person for this committee.

Do not let your emotions run this
The type you describe absolutely feed on causing upset and emotional reactions, its the life blood they need to boost their self esteem plus they will weaponise and use it to tell everyone you had a huge strop and are unstable.
Put your sword down and walk away, head up , dont let them control your reactions

Send a perfunctary email
Dates of resignation etc
Literally NOTHING else
They dont care, they behave like this on purpose
Hold onto your dignity and self control

The thing is, you cant control other people, only yourself @dizzydizzydizzy

Essentially they are flinging rocks at you.
Its up to you if you decide to catch them and their negative emotions
Or decide to step to the side

Once you understand that this is nothing to do with you and all about them, its much easier to dodge

Totally agree. I decided I had no chance of catching the rocks or persuading others to catch the rocks, due to their status. I actually think they knew they could bully me without any repercussions because they were local do-gooders, so nobody would dare to upset them. This is how some very wealthy people get away with awful behaviour. So, hence I decided to run away from the rocks.

HI, OP -

Someone above suggested emailing your (professional sounding, understated) letter to the whole committee, not just to the jerk.

I am writing now to reinforce what a great idea that is. You need to stay in control of the narrative. As some posts above show, if you contact only him, he can say whatever he likes about you to the others. By including them in your message, you prevent him from starting a false narrative, at least this one.

You are misunderstanding
Catching the rocks is what they want you to do so that they can feed off your emotional reaction.
Its deliberate provocation
Step aside, dont give them what they want @dizzydizzydizzy
They then go and throw rocks at someone else

Oh I see. In that case, I did catch the rocks but it had no impact.They carried on regardless. They are not very nice people who are manipulative and full of their own importance (among many disappointing characteristics, they are friends of Nigel Farage!) I wasn’t like them, so they probably knew if they kept it up long enough, I would get fed up and leave.

Hi op I would just tell them at the weekend this project is now complete I won’t be volunteering my free time any longer. It has come to a point in my life where I expect more respect and appreciation for my free time. I am no longer enjoying the role so it’s time to move on enjoy my free time with others who I love and care about and I hope you find someone else who is willing to take on this big commitment.