Don’t know how to feel about my dates ‘joke’

[Mavej]

I have NC’d for this.

I am currently dating someone I met online. We’ve met three times in person and all going well.

Last night we were messaging and I said I’ve not been with a man intimately since I lost my husband 4 years ago so feel a bit nervous about when things progress.

His initial reply was really kind and understanding, but he then sent a follow up which I feel uneasy about. He said ‘it sounds like I may need to invest in some waterproof covers if it’s been that long 😂’

It was late last night and I haven’t replied yet. He hasn’t said anything else but knew I was going to be up early for work.

Am I having a sense of humour failure or is that a joke which goes a bit too far?

OMFG I'm far from a prude but that is absolutely vile from someone you haven't even gone to bed with yet. What a fool. I'd honestly reply "you won't be finding out" and then I'd block.

Your apprehension around embarking on a sexual relationship with a new man after the loss of your husband is perfectly understandable and you deserve to have a sensitive, caring partner that you can trust to be intimate with.

You are most certainly not being unreasonable. His "joke" was utterly misplaced, disgusting and points to him being an immature, porn-addled little man.

At the beginning of your post you said that you didn't know how to feel about his "joke" but also said that you had changed your name for this, which makes me suspect that you feel embarrassed by his crass remarks and don't want to own to this under your usual name, so you already know how you actually feel about it.

Respect yourself enough to realise that you deserve much, much better than this.

Gross. And really insensitive. It’s not a joke that you haven’t been with a man for 4 years, you lost your husband FFS.

I think it’s enormously insensitive after you opened up in a very vulnerable way and showed him trust in that moment. Plus he sounds porn driven. I’m sorry he’s let you down.

I have no idea how high you'd have to be to think telling someone you've not been intimate for four years since your husband died is opening the door to immediate sexual flirting. And also, there's nothing flirtatious about that, it's just downright dirty. Ugh. I do believe in second chances but even in a different context I would rather never have sex again than hear stuff like that said

Dumb, very dumb, and awkward joke girl

sorry you lost your husband. If you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready 🤷‍♀️, but I wouldn’t let this put me off if I were xx

Agree wholeheartedly with this.

You shouldn't have to gentle parent a man by saying "when I said I was nervous to have sex with somebody new since my husband died, it felt insensitive for you to immediately make a joke about me squirting."

They know it's a fucked up way to talk to someone but they don't care. Online dating is rife with these freaks.

You barely know him. This is how he talks to women he barely knows. Do with that what you will.

Very grim and cringeworthy.

Apart from that, you’ve only been on three dates, and he’s overtly counting his chickens. Personally I would find that expectation a complete turnoff on top of what he said.

I agree with the majority.
I just couldn't be arsed with that level of immaturity.
Hard swerve for me.

Grossssssssss
i would be horrified

I say this as a bit of a prude - given that his initial reply was kind and understanding, I think he was just trying to lighten the mood with an ill-judged joke. If you like him, it seems daft to dump him over something this innocuous.

Are you dating Jay from the Inbetweeners?

It’s a poor attempt at humour from someone who really hasn’t read the room,

I would have pulled him up straight away but in your shoes I would struggle to know what to respond x with now. It’s a pretty grim comment fro
someone who I presume you’ve had no intimacy with

If he sent an original 'nice' messge and then this and the tone was totally different is there a chance the 2nd message was not actually for you but about you and he's sent it by accident?

What you told him was delicate, personal and deserved to be handled with respect. He did none of those things and instead made a sex joke.

IMO he isn't the man for you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband.

That was a really insensitive thing to say after you’d opened up like that. I assume he was trying to ‘lighten the mood’ but it was entirely inappropriate. I’d be really disappointed in his response.

I’m sorry for the loss of your husband.

That's gross, what makes it worse is saying it in the context of you losing your husband. Fucking minger.

What an immature, insensitive ass.

You didn't respond and if he was a true case of foot in mouth, a decent guy would have already been in contact saying "I'm really, sorry, that was beyond insensitive etc".

I think your gut feeling is telling you he isn't emotionally mature enough for you.

I'd reply:
What do you mean?

I'd be totally put off

He's immature, crass, insensitive and can't be serious for more than 5 mins-not what you want in a partner at all. Some men really are utterly clueless.