Don’t know how to feel about my dates ‘joke’

[Mavej]

I have NC’d for this.

I am currently dating someone I met online. We’ve met three times in person and all going well.

Last night we were messaging and I said I’ve not been with a man intimately since I lost my husband 4 years ago so feel a bit nervous about when things progress.

His initial reply was really kind and understanding, but he then sent a follow up which I feel uneasy about. He said ‘it sounds like I may need to invest in some waterproof covers if it’s been that long 😂’

It was late last night and I haven’t replied yet. He hasn’t said anything else but knew I was going to be up early for work.

Am I having a sense of humour failure or is that a joke which goes a bit too far?

Oh dear.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he was trying to put you at ease by making a joke. It depends how he has been before the "joke".

A sexualised gross joke after you’ve shared something intimate and vulnerable would be a hard no from me. I’m done teaching men basic social skills.

My husband died—oh you must be gagging for it?

Who are the mumsnetters who seem to think that there are any circumstances where a 36 year old man would make this conversational leap and be within bounds?

36? I thought you were going to say 17 😂 He sounds like a fucking idiot and I don’t really tolerate idiocy.

Indeed.

I'm quite crude so it wouldn't bother me, but I understand why that would offend or put others off.

Its giving Jay from the inbetweeners vibe.

Pretty tacky tbh.

Gross and immature. He doesn't sound worth it OP.

Maybe you can ask for his number?

It’s pretty grim and insensitive. I’d also be concerned that he’s pretty fucking clueless about women, as a nervous woman is almost certainly going to be the exact opposite of what he’s suggesting with his ‘joke’.

He is implying she will enjoy herself so much after a long period of abstinence that she will squirt. Or in other words, assuming she will squirt with him as he is so good in bed 🤣

He'd have to be a really good guy, this is just a really disgusting thing to say and it would make any romantic attraction or desire to be intimate vanish the second I read it. I would find it hard to overcome

The problem isn’t so much the juvenile crudity, it’s the fact that it was a reply to the OP saying she was nervous about having sex for the first time since her husband’s death!

Maybe he is? We don’t know. I do know that I’ve put my foot in my mouth plenty of times. It was a childish and ill timed joke for sure. But I’m not sure it warrants a LTB if he’s otherwise nice and the op likes him. That’s just me.

Yeah this is true. I think perhaps it warrants a quick revisit, if OP messages this guy and says something about it (not sure what) but makes it clear she found it very unpleasant and he takes this on board. Perhaps. Perhaps.

I'd be wary about progressing any further in this relationship. He sounds insensitive and possibly quite stupid.

After I lost my first husband, the first person I was intimate with (at a similar timeframe as you) is my now husband. He wouldn't dream of saying anything like that and was nothing but understanding. Also, possibly TMI, but I was very much up for it and not at all nervous when it happened. Probably because he was the right man for me.

It's probably normal to be nervous, but please don't ignore any uncomfortable feelings. Good luck to you. I hope you find as much happiness again as I have.

Agreed. I think my next course of action would depend on his response when challenged on it. Op could you say something like ‘I don’t want to appear melodramatic but I found what you said last night a little inappropriate given what I’d just said.’

If he’s decent then he will be mortified and apologetic. If he bites back with defensiveness or more juvenile bullshit then I’d have a rethink.

I think that sounds icky, but I can see how he might think it was a bit of sexual flirtation when you'd sort of opened the door already. So my view is that I'm on the fence and ultimately, it really depends on hw YOU feel about it.

It would give me the ick too. I totally understand what her meant and it’s not really appropriate after you disclosed how you were feeling about intimacy 😬.

It was probably said as a joke but was totally the wrong moment.

Yes, nothing says 'sexual flirtation' like a woman expressing her fear of having sex for the first time since her husband died. 🙄

He sounds revolting, it's been 3 dates and no investment sexually. I wouldn't be sleeping with a man who spoke like that after I had told him what you had.
But then I wouldn't want to see him again either, he sounds like a porny teen.

Ick 😩 x 1000. Just gross 🤮

Yeah, fuck him. Not literally.
I probably post too much some days, however, after I'm left on my own (thirty years age difference between husband and myself),
I wouldn't spare a thought to "date" another man for various reasons, let alone put up with stupid shit sexual jokes.
🤢

This is exactly what I took from it too... that he responded compassionately and then he probably felt a bit awkward and word-vommed something stupid to lightening the mood / break the ice.

I wouldn't bin him off... but I would tell him that his joke isn't funny.

Strike -1