She’s wrecking marriages and not sure what I can do

[ThatCosyMintWriter]

what would you do?
A very distant friend of mine has split from her husband after 30yrs marriage.
She is now sleeping with any man she can get her hands on. Including married ones.
I am not aware of the males names as I would be inclined to inform their wives.
Her behaviour is simply disgusting and the fact she is doing this to fellow females angers me immensely!
should I just mind my own business?
I am not close enough friend to try and reason with her. What else can I do???

If she were my friend, I'd be concerned about her emotional state.

Single people who sleep with married people are responsible for their choice to willingly play a role in something that damages spouses/families.

Responsible to who? They've chosen to take on no responsibilities. That's what being single means in terms of fidelity.

It's not honourable to shag a married person but if getting married and having kids doesn't make you more responsible than someone who hasn't taken on any of that, more responsible than a perfect stranger, then it's all a nothing, isn't it? Pointless. Other people's honour or lack of it isn't relevant. The whole reason one pledges fidelity is because we all know other potential partners exist, so we make a commitment to eschew them.

It's nuts to make a promise and then start lecturing other people about it.

All of this.

Tbh I'd be a bit worried about her. It doesn't sound like she's in a great place and is maybe really struggling with the separation. If you're a friend I'd be trying to understand her behaviour to rule that out first. If she's just doing it for fun and she doesn't care then id end the friendship once I knew she was okay. But she's not exactly dragging men into her bed by their ankles so maybe consider why you're making her sound almost predatory in how you're writing this.

@ThatCyanCat You keep asking to whom people are responsible for their choices. People are responsible FOR the choices they make. That's it. They made the choice, they take responsibility for it. If you willingly engage in behaviour knowing it will damage other people, you are responsible for that. There's nothing more to it than that. You make your choice to do something that you know will be damaging for others and you are responsible for that. You own it and you accept that other people will judge you for your lack of care for others and the consequences that might have.

This!, But it always seems when men do it they are considered evil bustards when women do it they were misunderstood, hormones, Ddidn't know what they were doing, vulnerable lots of other excuses

It is a choice

Obviously men are wrecking their own marriages, she did not enter into the marriage so she cannot default on those vows/contracts. If the man will shag her he would shag any woman he can get and probably has.

Also whats with the use of incel language, just very lazily 'rage bait-y'.

@ThatCosyMintWriter
How are you this aware of a distant friend's sex life? Are you watching her abduct and force married men to have sex with her?

Leave the woman alone and stop judging. You have no idea what she went through in her 30years of marriage. She can have as much sex as she wants - and it's not your concern really.

You are being unreasonable and misogynistic. How is your “friend” “wrecking marriages”? As others have said, she has no part in these marriages. I highly doubt she’s sleeping with several married men at once and even if she is, it is their responsibility to be loyal to their wives, not your friends. It sounds like she may be putting herself in danger though and struggling mentally. These men are perfectly capable of saying no.

I had a work mate like this. Her ability to pull men, even supposedly happily married ones, was absolutely legendary. She was engaged to other men, TWICE, while still married herself.

I didn't blame her more or less than the other parties but my god she was a magician.

It always bewilders me when people believe the mistress has no blame.

I went through a very tough divorce and had no desire to shag married men.

I had a friend do similar with a married man and distanced myself.

Yes I agree. It doesn't matter what she does, a good married man wouldn't go there. They are making this decision also and it wouldn't surprise me if it wasn't the first time either.

YABU for “fellow females”.

No matter how you feel about single people sleeping with married people, they are not to blame for breaking up a relationship. That is solely on the married party.

No one ever calls a man a homewrecker when they sleep with married women.

This 💯 x

She isn’t wrecking marriages. The husbands are. Your friend’s behaviour is also disgusting.

Up to you whether you continue with the friendship.

Typical mumsnet, not her fault, not your business, only the men are to blame. Cheating is a two way street. You know, it is okay to have morals and think her behavior is disgusting and not associate with her anymore. Maybe then people as a whole would stop being selfish cheating jerks because they actually face consequences like losing friends over their gross behavior. Do so many people on here really not have better people to be friends with? Why are you associating with such gross people? If someone was physically harming someone technically it isn't your business either but I bet you would say something. Cheating is abusive and yes her friend is abusing these wives too by participating. OP doesn't have to be friends with the town bicycle. 🙄

It's not great what she is doing, but she isn't one wrecking marriages, the men are (or women). The person in the committed relationship who is going out to ruin that.

She is not innocent, but the wrecking the marriage blame lies with the party in the marriage.

It sounds like a mental health crisis and she probably needs a therapist, but since she’s not a close friend, I would stay out if it.

As for the men and their wives, that really none of your business. You don’t even know these people!

I do wonder how you know all this, if she's not a close friend. Someone else told you?

If you're certain it's true, stop associating with her and focus on your own life. If you're close to people (particularly women) who wouldn't already know and might benefit from a warning, I'd tell them what I knew, but leave it at that.

Sorry to 'the Sisterhood', but yes, I'd absolutely judge her and want nothing to do with a woman actively seeking married men. The cheating men are horrible, but so is she!

But it most definitely is being used as a tool of the patriarchy to equate blame for the married man and the single woman. And the blame is not equal. It’s not the responsibility of the sisterhood or the girl code. That’s just making women responsible for men’s shitty behaviour. The men signed a marriage thingy and they make you repeat the words. They are hardly unwittingly duped.

I don’t know why women do this. Blame. The. Men. Wholly. Unequivocally. Completely. They are bloody adults. In a patriarchy. They hold all the cards. And divide and conquer is the oldest trick in the book.

Also, why all this ‘she’s vulnerable and putting herself at risk’ talk? Perhaps she’s having a bloody good time thinking of herself for once? No one would dream about suggesting therapy to a man being mildly promiscuous. (Even though he’s far more likely to be using sex as an unhealthy coping mechanism, because men are generally poor copers). If she asks for help, be supportive. Otherwise let her live her life. Poor woman.

@PeoplecoveredinfishCompletely agree with the first part. I find it bonkers that women on MN still subscribe to this 16th century witch burning logic that a woman is somehow to blame when a man decides to cheat on HIS wife. Women have been blamed for tempting men ever since Eve tempted Adam to take the apple.

However, I disagree with the second part. Research has shown that when a woman suddenly becomes promiscuous, it’s often a coping mechanism, and linked to mental health issues. The dopamine hit becomes addictive but it doesn’t solve the underlying issues. It’s unlikely to end well for them.

Mind your own business perhaps?

It's someone you hardly bother with. Mind your own business.

I would feel sorry for her. She’ll only end up hurting herself. The men however, they are the ones betraying their wives, not her. I would distance myself from her and get on with my life.

You don't have to put up with it at all.

Don't socialise with the woman.
Never invite her to anything again.