To think I'd be less worried if I had more children?

[scaredycat567]

I have one DS (6 y old) who is my absolute world. We had him after a long fertility journey and despite trying for 4 years, it is now very unlikely that we will have another one (38 now and even thinking about IVF but we can't really afford it).

I am very anxious about my son and kind of think he is my only chance at happiness, so even if he just has a fever or a bit of pain, I get racing heart, can't sleep anymore, want to take him to A&E straight away.

AIBU to think that if I had more than one child, I would be less worried?? Or does the worry just multiply? I've had anxiety issues in the past and can't work out how common those feelings are, but they are getting very bothersome. Maybe I'm just not very resilient. My lovely DH is completely different, very easygoing so it's hard to compare!

I think the anxiety issue is with you.

I worry equally about my children, especially when they are unwell, but your response is unusual (and excessive).

You mean, if you had four children, you’d just think ‘Oh, it doesn’t matter if one gets hit by a bus, I still have loads’?

I think you need to work on your anxiety before it damages your son’s life. Therapy.

No, that's not how I meant it. More like, if you have more children, there's less time to worry about!

I would hazard a guess, that more children=more worries. It sounds like your level of anxiety is causing you problems though.

No.

i have two.

your worry is a you thing not a number of children thing.

It's impossible to know. If you'd had another child they could have had complex needs which left you worrying about how they'd cope in life and what would happen to them after you die.

That is very true! You never know do you!

Uhhh, no. I'm not less worried about my children because, if one of them died, then oh well I've still got others.

You need to seek help for your anxiety OP

I think the excessive anxiety you feel is an issue. I can’t lie I think the more children you have, the less time you have to worry and focus on each one individually and you become more experienced in “child rearing “. I made terrible mistakes with my first child as a young mum that I didn’t make with my others, you do live and learn. Experience and hindsight is a wonderful thing and subsequent children do get the best of that imo.

but you’ve been through a tough journey with your only one and you admit you can’t have another so do something scout your anxiety now 🫶. That’s not to say either that your anxiety won’t go away or worsen with more children.

Sorry, that isn't how I meant it, but I can see that it read that way! It's more like, if you have more than one child, you probably don't have the headspace to worry that much

I think you need help with your anxiety. I had an only for quite a while, and never thought they would die of a fever.

Children are quite resilient.

You could adopt. But the anxiety needs addressing, speak to your GP

In an ideal world you would less focus on him due to lack of time so you will worry more but less about him in particular. However in reality if he’d was your favourite you would focus on him mainly and worry about him mainly so the change might be insignificant.

Unfortunately I think it’s a bit like the concept that when you have another child there’s enough love for everyone. There’s also enough worry if you’re that way inclined.

Get some help and you’ll enjoy your son more.

I have multiple kids and am also a bereaved parent (my son was my first and I had 2 dc when my dd died).

I didn't just shrug when dd died because I had other dc.

I also don't give less of a shit about my dc because I have multiple dc.

I hope you're getting help for your anxiety around your dc because that's not a healthy environment to have a child in.

I do enjoy him so much, when he is well and we have a family day out, I could not be happier. But the thought something could happen to him sends me immediately into a panic. I suppose it's the fear of the unknown.

It was certainly true in my case OP.

I'm not sure that I worry less overall but having more than 1 child means that I worry less about each one individually which is healthier for them. Had I just stuck with 1 then his entire childhood would have been spent with me helicoptering over him wringing my hands.

However, if having more isn't an option for you then you'll need to find another way.

Might sound strange but have you had you iron levels checked. I suffered with health anxiety to find out it was because I had low iron .

Having more than 1 child is ;Ike exposure therapy. You learn more about when to look after them at home and when to seek medical attention. I do think you need to seek therapy to deal with your anxiety so it's not passed on as learnt behaviour, not that you'd purposely do that

More children won’t dilute that feeling, it usually just gives you more things to worry about. The racing heart and no sleep over a fever sounds like anxiety driving, so it’s worth speaking to your GP and using NHS 111 for reassurance before heading to A&E unless there are clear red flags.

I say this gently, but relating to your son as your ‘one chance for happiness’ seems quite unhealthy to me. Think about the pressure that inevitably is transmitted unconsciously with that mindset. It’s maybe not what you meant, but our children don’t exist to make us happy and he needs to be able to develop and grow in his own way, that is separate from your happiness, otherwise there is the risk that he changes and adapts himself to be what he perceives you want. I think it’s worth thinking about how to manage this anxiety as I suspect however many kids you have you’d have this response, if it is your normal.

I actually understand what you mean OP. I have one child at the moment and have often thought if anything happened to her I just couldn't go on. Whereas if I had a second I'd be forced to go on for that child.

So it's not at all that I wouldn't be bothered if something happened to one - god forbid - but that I'd still have a reason to go forward if I had more than one.

All this..My son has left the nest and is incredibly busy building his life in a tough climate. He backpacked around Asia last year. So did my DD. How will you cope if your kids want to travel or emigrate?

Do not expect your kids to make you happy or restrict their growth.

Thank you, that's an interesting thought and really makes sense.
I've tried to seek therapy for the pain of infertility, but it didn't seem to help (I wonder if I just had the wrong therapists- they were both lovely though).

It's true that I cannot pin my entire happiness on him, I will need to find a way to deal with this.