To think I'd be less worried if I had more children?

[scaredycat567]

I have one DS (6 y old) who is my absolute world. We had him after a long fertility journey and despite trying for 4 years, it is now very unlikely that we will have another one (38 now and even thinking about IVF but we can't really afford it).

I am very anxious about my son and kind of think he is my only chance at happiness, so even if he just has a fever or a bit of pain, I get racing heart, can't sleep anymore, want to take him to A&E straight away.

AIBU to think that if I had more than one child, I would be less worried?? Or does the worry just multiply? I've had anxiety issues in the past and can't work out how common those feelings are, but they are getting very bothersome. Maybe I'm just not very resilient. My lovely DH is completely different, very easygoing so it's hard to compare!

I’m an anxious person and I worry about my two children. I don’t think it makes a difference how many you have, we just want the best for them and that can be a worry.

I think I experienced this with my first, we had a very difficult 5 year journey including IVF and I felt really anxious she would be taken away because I was never meant to be a mum. Our second came and it took that anxiety away completely. I appreciate this isn’t entirely helpful as you’ve said a second is probably not possible for you, but I wanted you to know you are not alone feeling like this. And I’m not a naturally anxious person so have no history of or subsequent anxiety. I think fertility struggles are just really really hard.

Interestingly, for me, having a second child DID reduce my anxiety. I had my first in lockdown, a very difficult birth and then she just didn't sleep and obviously because of lockdown there was no "village" so to speak. It was very challenging and lonely and I always blamed myself. Having a second child under completely different circumstances lifted something from me that I hadn't fully realised I was carrying. I appreciate that these are different circumstances to yours but for me it was a very healing process.

It’s been that way for me, kind of. But not necessarily in a healthy way.
So when I was pregnant with my eldest (had two losses before she was born) my 1 year-old nephew died in a horrible way in front of us.
I then became incredibly anxious about my daughter dying. I was a helicopter parent and then some, constantly running after her in the park shouting “BE CAREFUL” etc.

I just had her for 7 years before getting pregnant with my second child.
My Mum suddenly died while I was pregnant with her and since then I’m not really worried about anything? I’m sure there’s something diagnosable there regarding trauma but my second baby is so happy and chill and it’s made me relax a lot more.
I can’t control death. I’d make my children’s lives hell by chasing after them instead of encouraging them to trust their own instincts.

Thank you everyone for posting, interesting to read all the different takes on it. It seems that some think having more does ease worries, whilst some say you just worry more the more children you have. I guess I will never know and should probably just focus on getting my anxiety resolved!

Not with my brain 🤣 My brain worries and spirals pretty much every second of the day and night. And it's really good at being anxious about multiple things or people (my kids, work, partner, dog, house, siblings, anything) at the same time.
Jokes aside, it is really worth trying therapy and looking at your health and self care. This is how you get on top of your anxiety, not by having more kids ❤️‍🩹

I worry about both of mine all the time.
But you kind of have to relax a bit when there are more than one as headspace is shared and it would be impossible to be obsessing about both at the same time.
Like screen time for example, when i had one child it was easy to monitor and do all the crafts and play required to limit it, with two then you might let one of them watch unbridled tv while you work on some homework with the other. Going to the park, with one you follow them around like a hawk standing under the high slide in case they fall, with two they might go in opposite directions and you have to let the older more able one off the reigns a little to ensure the small one is safe.
Also with a second child, you have been through a lot of scrapes and things already with the first, and things that were absolutely panicking with the first you have experience of how to deal with it, and in that sense it is less worrying as you already know how to deal with that issue and the outcome.

There's no top end of worry. Just you worry about the one who is ill or having a hard time more. But you need to back off with your expectations for your son to provide you with happiness - he'll be feeling that smothering pressure.

I know we all can't help it, but 'What If' thinking is a waste of time usually.

It helps much more to consider the situation you're actually in.

Anything else is unknowable however much you think about it.

I know what you mean op, I obsessed over everything with my first, every bump, every illness, I was convinced it was something serious. I went on to have 4 more and yes the worry did lessen in that it was spread among them rather than focused on just one, and was somehow more manageable. It also lessens somewhat as they get bigger and stronger and begin their own lives outside of you, school, friends etc. Mine are adults and I still worry, but you learn to live with it.

No. I have one child and don't have anxiety like that. Having more children wouldn't solve the cause of your anxiety, when you have multiple children it wouldn't make a loss or a serious illness any less horrific and tragic.

That sounds like a good plan. There are psychologists/ counsellors who specialise in infertility so it might be worth trying again with one of those if you saw a non-specialist counsellor last time. If you’re having any tests etc. at a fertility clinic they would be able to suggest someone. I had three rounds of IVF and know how hard it can be

OK. Thats good. Please keep that up.

I think you need to be careful about not making him too much the focal point of all your hopes and dreams. Its a big burden for a child.

Its really important for children to feel that they aren’t entirely responsible for the happiness of their parents. I think it is helpful for you as well. No one should feel their life starts and ends with their children.

I know what you mean- I think if you have one you can become very focussed on everything being perfect and trying to protect them from anything bad ever happening whereas when you have multiple children it’s just not possible to parent with that kind of…intensity I suppose. It’s not like you don’t care as much about each one individually but more like you just have to go with the flow. There’s a reason PFB is a thing!

One of many reasons ideally I wanted more than one child - so focus and worry would be spread out over multiple heads.

It's not less worry overall it's likely more for me or less love but the focus is across multiple kids - so it's not 24/7 on one child - it had to move on. I worried I'd smother one child.

TBH I'm not sure how realistic that fear was and I think it was one picked up from my own mother and childhood and her views on single kids - ironically I married an only and he was opposite of smothered expected to fit in would be more accurate.

Ideally though you'd get some help with the anxierty and a wider focus in your life and just try and enjoy the child you have - DH grew up a happy well adjusted man who enjoyed a quite free childhood.

Nope, the anxiety just heightens tbh,

I had severe anxiety when my children were younger. It's only a little better these last 2 years or so and their only 9 and 11. I was so deep in it, I didn't realise how bad it was and never sought the help I needed.

My first baby passed 2 hours after he was born and i had several moscarriges after him. It was awful. I would wake every morning in a panic incase 2nd and 3rd had died in the night, feeding times were awful as I choked as a child and have never forgotten it. I'd worry about them choking at nursery and school too. On two separate occasions I've rushed them each child to hospital thinking their appendix had burst and they were just constipated 🙈

Having two didn't ease my anxiety at all, in my poor mental state my brain just took it as now I have two children who might die at any moment

I feel really sorry for younger me, she had a terrible time of it

I mentioned above, it's not a healthy model for children either. It basically teaches them that happiness only comes from other people, from being of service to other people and that they won't find other happiness in other avenues of life. What happens when your children grow up, move out or decide or can't have children of their own?

It's a massive burden for children for them to bear the entire responsibility for their parents happiness.

I have 11. I don't sweat the small stuff but the worry is still there.. Even when they leave home. Pre dc =more worry ime.

I understand what you mean op. I think some of these comments are harsh

I'm not an anxious person, so my worries are low level compared to yours OP, but in my experience of having more than one DC (I have three), there is one that I've always worried about more than the other two. It's related to his personality - some things are harder for him than the others. I'm very relaxed about things like illness, but I worry about his future and how things will turn out for him.

You’re really not alone in this. I have a DD, and even though I adore her, the worry didn’t magically disappear because I have a child... if anything, my anxiety found new places to land. She was diagnosed autistic through Autism Detect, and that whole process actually helped me understand how much of my fear was anxiety rather than danger. From what I’ve seen, having more than one child doesn’t reduce worry; it just changes its shape. What does help is support, understanding your own anxiety patterns, and learning where reassurance ends and panic begins. You sound like a loving, attentive parent — not unresilient at all.

Yes i think so. Mostly because you've seen things before so with the second kid you are less panicked. That was the case for me anyway.

There are occasional moments when I have to let some things go in my mind that I would usually fret over more. For example this weekend younger dd has been really poorly, older dd has some digestive/ Ibs type issues. I have done the necessary to ease older DD’s symptoms but I’ve not given it the headspace and worried as much as I would normally. Mostly it’s just anxiety multiplied though

That is a lot of pressure for one child to bear ..that he is your only chance at happiness..
Not good
You need to find other things in your life that make you happy
Children are only lent to us for a little while ..very quickly they become stroppy teens who definitely don't want to be the centre of anyones world

No, there is a new worry with more than one because now I not only worry about how awful it would be if something happened to one of them, but also how badly such a loss would impact the remaining child, on a personal level and also because I’d be forever changed as a person and parent which would impact them.

Every parent has moments of worry and imagining the worst, but if your anxiety is triggered by every small sign of ill-health in your child, I’d say you need to try and seek help to better manage that, because it’s not good for you (or your child) to feel so impacted by common and non-life threatening illnesses.