To think I'd be less worried if I had more children?

[scaredycat567]

I have one DS (6 y old) who is my absolute world. We had him after a long fertility journey and despite trying for 4 years, it is now very unlikely that we will have another one (38 now and even thinking about IVF but we can't really afford it).

I am very anxious about my son and kind of think he is my only chance at happiness, so even if he just has a fever or a bit of pain, I get racing heart, can't sleep anymore, want to take him to A&E straight away.

AIBU to think that if I had more than one child, I would be less worried?? Or does the worry just multiply? I've had anxiety issues in the past and can't work out how common those feelings are, but they are getting very bothersome. Maybe I'm just not very resilient. My lovely DH is completely different, very easygoing so it's hard to compare!

That does make a lot of sense actually, thank you for your input!
I do hope you also find a way of not worrying too much, but I can totally understand your thought process!

I’m agree with this ^ and disagree with what many posters say.

I feel very very lucky to have two children. I don’t tend to go into a panic if eg one of them has a cold, but I do think I would be more anxious with just one. I worry more about things like them moving away and living in another country when they’re grown up, and me not getting to see them often. And that would be easier if my other child was still around.

And I do tend to catastrophise a bit, eg DC is having MH issues and part of me worries this is just the beginning and is it going to get much worse. I would spend more time worrying and ruminating about this if I wasn’t juggling my other DC too.

I would find it difficult to love just one person that much, that intensely. By which I mean it may almost be stifling for a DC if I had only one child and all my attention was focused on them. By having two I feel more love but it’s spread out more so is less intense in a way.

Of course for any parent the prospect of losing a child is almost unimaginably horrific, no matter how many siblings they may have. But I do think it’s worse if you have an only child - it must be so much harder to keep going in this situation. The loss is greater because you’ve not only lost a child but have lost your role (and for many your purpose) as a parent too.

Thankfully it is relatively rare in our society for children to die. I once went to a talk by a doctor on the subject of parental anxiety. He said that if you got 10,000 under 18s together (enough to fill a small stadium), and then invited them all back a year later, statistically only one of those would have died, and it would most likely be due to a serious long term health condition rather than a freak accident.

Anyway, I’m not sure how much that will help OP if a second child does not look likely. I agree seeking help for anxiety is a good idea and coming to terms with having one DC. I guess I’m just surprised by some of the responses on here.

But the OP shouldn’t have another child because she can’t manage her anxiety about her existing child. And she seems unlikely to be able to have another, as four years of trying hasn’t ended in pregnancy and they can’t afford IVF, so she will need to learn not to hyper-focus on her son, and to manage her anxiety.

Thank you, that example with the stadium was quite eye opening.
As for the rest that has actually made me feel worse, but I did ask for opinions so that's not your fault

I don't think it's easier if you have more than one child, if god forbid one dies than if you only had an only child. Its just different that's all.

I'm not going to be less upset if one of my children died because I've still got another. It would be traumatic how many children you had. And not only that I can't imagine how I'd process and work through my grief while still trying to parent at the same time and support my other child with the loss of their sibling. And not even that, your existing sibling then carries the sole responsibility for you having a "purpose" in life.

I have a friend from antenatal group who lost a toddler very suddenly.

They’ve repeatedly said that what has kept them going is their older child, and then going on to have another child. They are not my friends’ “only” purpose in life but they have given them a focus through a horrific time in their lives.

This is totally normal for parents who find themselves in this awful situation. I disagree that it puts a “responsibility” on the siblings. The parents support the siblings through their loss as well as dealing with their own.

I think the problem is in making any child(ren) your "absolute world", OP. How is this healthy? Presumably you have a partner, a job, other family, friends, hobbies, a home..... they're all important. If you rely only your child for happiness, you will inevitably get anxious.

I think you’d be much more stressed with more children!!!!

I sometimes have horrible thoughts about only having one child - eg if something happens to him, that’s it - ‘all’ my children would be gone!! But it’s not really rational in this day and age so I try to put it to the back of my mind. I don’t understand why you think you’d be less stressed with more… hormones can do funny things to the brain you know 😂

The anxiety of something happening to your child / children is a natural feeling of being a parent. Some parents will suffer with worse anxiety than others. Having more children doesn’t equate to less anxiety.

Only 1 in 10,000 children die a year ? I thought it would be more ?

Sort of agree op. I have 3 I have to be more chilled if they fall over etc

That's correct @TinaTwinkleToes. According to the ONS, in 2023 the figure was 9 per 100,000 children.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/deaths/bulletins/childhoodinfantandperinatalmortalityinenglandandwales/2023

I equally worried about all 3 of my DC

My dad who had six always said that the more you had, the less you worried. I always took it to mean experience and busyness, not lack of love!

I only have one child (the same age as yours) and I don’t feel as anxious as you do, so I don’t think it’s related to number of children.

I do think him dying would affect me more over a lifetime than if I had two or more children though. Not because I love him more than parents of siblings love their kids. But because it’s the loss of a major part of your identity/daily life, in addition to the horrific loss of the individual child. Being a parent touches every part of my life and every part of my future, both long and short term. Losing all your children (be that one or more) is different to losing one but having others still around.

That's shocked me. I have a lot of patients who lost children but of course they are an older generation when it was more common.

I felt exactly the same. I have two children now. Still get anxious as I suffer very badly with anxiety, but it helps knowing if anything happens to one I would still have a reason to go on.

ETA sorry just saw this already answered up thread!

This seems to be right - 9 deaths per 100,000 of population according to the ONS (that’s for 1-15 year olds):
https://cy.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/deaths/bulletins/childhoodinfantandperinatalmortalityinenglandandwales/2023#trends-in-child-and-infant-mortality

I was an only child and DM was like this! Still had to let her know we had arrived safely on holidays in my 40s. Try to un clench a little and let go.We have always had dogs. and they are wonderful for stress relief, and to be a little mate for DS. Kindly as DS grows he will want to have chums over, go to their houses and so on . I think if you have friends of your own to talk to it helps.My own DS was born after 3 years of infertility issues. A blocked kidney and a very difficult birth. It's hard to stand back sometimes (Hes currently in his 20s on hols in India with a bad tummy) cue more worrying!

Im too old and don't want another child so suppose it is what it is now.

Careful about mentioning your reason for wanting more than one child on Mumsnet. I answered a post once and mentioned I had my daughter to give my autistic son a sibling (I also wanted another baby) and I got called stupid.

I haven’t experienced infertility and I’m really sorry you did OP. I don’t know but I would guess that parents who have long infertility journeys like you did are probably more likely to suffer from parental anxiety.

I hope you’re ok.

I'm a bit late to this but I'm going to respond anyway. I think what you are describing is health anxiety, and for me it doesn't decrease with more children, but "sweating the small stuff" decreases. I'm also quite anxious, and I now have 4 children. I still struggle with them getting sick and the thought of losing any of them is absolutely not less than when I had only one, it's actually worse because if the little ones are playing on a high playground or something I can't helicopter over 2 😂 but I'm less worried about every single diet choice or whether everything is organic like I used to be. It might be good to seek some help for the anxiety if you can.