To think I'd be less worried if I had more children?

[scaredycat567]

I have one DS (6 y old) who is my absolute world. We had him after a long fertility journey and despite trying for 4 years, it is now very unlikely that we will have another one (38 now and even thinking about IVF but we can't really afford it).

I am very anxious about my son and kind of think he is my only chance at happiness, so even if he just has a fever or a bit of pain, I get racing heart, can't sleep anymore, want to take him to A&E straight away.

AIBU to think that if I had more than one child, I would be less worried?? Or does the worry just multiply? I've had anxiety issues in the past and can't work out how common those feelings are, but they are getting very bothersome. Maybe I'm just not very resilient. My lovely DH is completely different, very easygoing so it's hard to compare!

From everything you have said I think you would be consumed by guilt that you aren't giving your 6 year old enough of your time.

You really need to work on your anxiety issues.

I remember reading a post about "precious first born" and how intense parental attention and high standards tend to slip as you have more children. I definitely found things like TV and sugar limits have changed for my second. I still have similar health anxiety for them both though, and possibly more for my second as he has CMPA and generally more sickly than my first.

My first was a much longed for baby after fertility issues an IVF. I had severe post natal anxiety after she was born and sounds like anxiety might be an issue for you too? My second was also IVF and came when I was 39.

Maybe you are right. I am also consumed by guilt that I wasn't able to give my parents more than one grandchild, so maybe the anxiety is the issue really.

Congratulations on IVF working for you! :) I'm so scared of the process and what happens if it fails. I have given my DH brazil nuts to eat, acupuncture etc (it's male factor but then I'm no spring chicken anymore so probably both!)

Wishing you and your family the very best.

I also have an only child and can relate to this, I've also had thoughts like if anything happened to him I wouldn't have the life of a parent anymore for the rest of my time on earth. Something which isn't true for people with multiple children.

However it's not something that plagues me everyday and not something I jump to every time he gets ill. If it's something you're thinking about all the time I'd say you should seek some help.

I also have the feeling that all the fun bits of life- the most important ones- are kind of behind me- I've had my lovely child and the baby years won't come back. I'm so jealous that other people have more children with ease. I just hope that this feeling will eventually go away...

You need a life outside of being a Mum.

You really need to find joy and fun outside your child.
Children leave.

The thing is, I really do! I have a professional job (only work school hours), have been in my company a long time... I really am blessed with lovely family and friends (of which a lot are child-free, so I do get a lot of other perspective etc). I go out regularly to gigs and the gym and my family is abroad so we visit them lots and travel- I honestly try so hard to do things outside of being a mum but it has given me the most joy of all time to have my son, I just feel that all my happiness stands and falls with him

Don't put that burden on your son's shoulders. He will pick up on it. Get therapy, develop a healthier and happier perception of things.

@scaredycat567 what will you do when he leaves home ? You really need to work on your anxiety.

I’m sorry for your pain. Infertility is so cruel when like you say, it happens so easily for others. It’s perhaps a bit of a cliche but happiness comes from inside of you. Some people have many kids and they can only ‘get happiness’ from them if they turn their mind in that direction, if it makes sense. Through their love, patience, contentment. Generally it’s our expectations that rob us of our happiness and stop us enjoying the reality we have, as opposed to the one we thought we would have but doesn’t exist.

Who knows? I know that love grows stronger with each child so I would imagine that anxiety would grow too.

You are suffering from severe anxiety, it will impact your child’s independence, try get help.

As terrible as it sounds, what will be, will be.
I say this as a mother of a very sick immunocompromised child. It’s tough but worrying about the future doesn’t help, it’s not easy, every high temp, cough, etc.

I take 50mg of ssri a day. I don’t notice any difference until i stop accidentally or attempt to come off then, my life falls apart, I am normally tough. Ask your GP about a low dose. It makes you feel sick and hungry for 6 weeks, then settles brilliantly. They’re a life saver for me.

I think you do relax more with more kids. More kids = more illnesses / more injuries and therefore more times they are absolutely fine. So you get more positive reinforcement that chances are it is just a cold and they need some calpol and an early night.

That ms really NOT what your OP says - ‘he’s my only chance of happiness’…

You need to get help. You will ruin his childhood if you don’t deal with this.

That sounds incredibly tough. I can only imagine how worried you must be at every onset of a cold etc. Sending you a hug.

I've been on a low dose of antidepressants in the past and it helped very well (that was for different reasons though, not child- related). For some reason I'm very reluctant to go on it again but maybe it would be for the best!

You feel this way due to your anxiety not due to your infertility.

It took us more than 6 years and several rounds of IVF to have our children and I have never felt as you described. That’s absolutely not to invalidate how you feel, I just want to show you that these feelings aren’t an automatic response to infertility.

Go see your GP and get some advice.

The baby years are not the best bits of parenting. You have many, many years of wonderful things to experience with your DS as he grows.

My D.C. have now moved out to uni and we’re enjoying a whole new phase of life. There is lots of joy and fun to be found if you are open to it.

Sending unMumsnetty hugs.

The issue is the anxiety. Not the number of children you have.

The bit that alarms me about your post is that you say “he is my only chance of happiness”. That’s not healthy at all.

Its natural for a mother to prioritise her children above everything else and its natural to feel some anxiety about their health. But expecting to derive all your happiness in life from your children is a recipe for anxiety and being an overbearing parent.

Everyone should have things in their life other than their children which make them happy and give them purpose and happiness.

Do you have anything else? Do you work? Do you have hobbies or interests?

With kindness, this is the problem, not the number of children you have.

Thank you so much for your kind post and sharing your story!
I've not seen it that way actually, that the anxiety might be fuelling this feeling, rather than the infertility. This is really interesting.

Wishing you all the best and sending a hug too.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on here and I understand what you mean. I have 5 children and was definitely more anxious with my first child, because you're a new mum doing everything for the first time! With subsequent children, you become a bit more relaxed because you've learned through experience - for example, you've dealt with all the normal childhood illnesses and know what to do. You've also learned what works when it comes to discipline, being organised, getting your child to sleep etc. You've learned to roll with the punches a bit and take things in your stride.

I think your level of anxiety is obviously having an impact on your life and you would probably benefit from visiting your GP and having a chat about how you're feeling. There's lots you can do to address it and it helps to have support from your doctor. Hopefully you can be helped to manage your anxiety and enjoy life with your little one 💐

I think I'd be more anxious if I had more than one child. Having only one means I have time to recharge, attend therapy, do exercise, eat well, have alone time etc, all of which helps my anxiety. I think you need to see a counsellor to help with the anxiety, and also to process the grief of not having a 2nd child (and sorry for that - we never wanted a 2nd, but it must be so hard).

Cool it, Mrs Bates; you'll give Norman a complex...

In all seriousness, though, this is definitely anxiety, and potentially a bit of OCD. Do you suffer from intrusive thoughts about what might happen to your child, and/or how you'd cope if something did? There's normal parental worrying, and then there's the inability to turn those thoughts off, even when they're irrational. You deserve to live a life without this level of fear. Speak to your GP and see if they can help!

Hi, yes I got lots of things in my life- really blessed with a lovely group of friends, I go out regularly, the gym and gigs, quite a few of my friends dont' have children so I am not in a "bubble" if that makes sense... we travel a lot due to my family being abroad and I have a professional job, and a lovely DH- I really try my best to also have things away of being "mum" ....

I can't comment in terms of how I feel as a parent, as I've just got one son. And you've had lots of advice about anxiety, so I won't repeat that.

But I am an only child myself (in my 40s now), and my mum and dad struggled to conceive for many years before I came along. I don't know if it means my mum worried more about me necessarily, but I definitely felt she was hyper focused on me, compared with friends who had siblings. It felt like a lot of pressure and nowhere to hide - but equally, she gave so much of her time to supporting the things I wanted to do.