To think I'd be less worried if I had more children?

[scaredycat567]

I have one DS (6 y old) who is my absolute world. We had him after a long fertility journey and despite trying for 4 years, it is now very unlikely that we will have another one (38 now and even thinking about IVF but we can't really afford it).

I am very anxious about my son and kind of think he is my only chance at happiness, so even if he just has a fever or a bit of pain, I get racing heart, can't sleep anymore, want to take him to A&E straight away.

AIBU to think that if I had more than one child, I would be less worried?? Or does the worry just multiply? I've had anxiety issues in the past and can't work out how common those feelings are, but they are getting very bothersome. Maybe I'm just not very resilient. My lovely DH is completely different, very easygoing so it's hard to compare!

I think as you gain experience as a parent, especially if you have more than one, then that experience helps to alleviate the anxieties you had over the first born every time they had a temperature etc.

You don't worry less for each child, but having more experience of normal childhood illnesses can help to ease the worry that first time parents often have over every little thing.

This can be the same for anxiety riddled questions like 'when will my child walk, speak compared with their peers? Are they 'behind?'' when talking about an average child with no obvious extra needs. These kinds of worries seem to bother first time parents more often than third time parents for example.

It was definitely the case for me, I was exactly as you described with my first and then as soon as I had my second it was like a fog lifted and I had a normal level of parental worry for them both. I do wonder if the hormones of having of having your first combined with them being an only means you have this really heightened level of anxiety. I literally felt like my brain reset after my second

Nope two children, fairly close in age, both male.

chalk and cheese

second gives ys a whole heap of new ways to worry so it’s more compounding
this is the early years parenting worry, actually all years parenting worry so I very much doubt it would help you right now

looking at the bigger picture we probably worry less about ourselves dying because they have each other so things like their childhood memories can be reminisced with each other they won’t die with us - but this is pie in the sky worry - it doesn’t help right here right now if one says they feel unwell

I do think that if you have several children all bumbling around, playing, creating chaos, there can be an atmosphere of life, a lack of control over the minutiae, which might be soothing and stress- busting. I know that when I had three I was less precious, less worried about doing things as well as I could, just because it was clearly impossible, so I had a feeling of muddling along, which was actually quite comforting.

Having said that, you do sound like you have anxiety that is more than the normal range... Maybe for moderate anxiety, having several kids gives a sense of perspective which can be life- affirming.

Good luck, OP- great that you are talking to your GP-

I understand the pain of infertility, I too have one child and consider myself so blessed to have him. Each year brings more new experiences; I promise you the best years are not behind you, our DS is a teenager and he is the best company and my favourite travel companion. Don’t let anxiety rob you of the joy of today. There are plenty of adventures ahead and although the younger years are great, so too are the teen years when they are older and more independent.

yes you would have less focus and attention on one child.
you need something to take up your attention op

Others have articulated really well re anxiety / chance for happiness stuff.

Wanted to add our perspective: I have three DC (had infertility and pregnancy loss issues; second successful pregnancy was twins, hence three in total). I would say that the anxiety absolutely does not decrease if you have more than one -- in fact, it is worse. I have a friend who likens each child to a hand grenade: you spend your life carrying it knowing it go off and blow your world to smithereens at any point. Every child you have is another hand grenade. Is it easier to carry three than one? Absolutely not. Perimenopause makes all kinds of anxiety and intrusive thinking worse for many of us; and yes, it's about our anxiety and not about our kids. My kids are now all uni age and I carry a lot of guilt about not being able to give any one of them as much of myself as I would have if we didn't have three.

In short: agree with PP. This is not about infertility, or about the number of children you have or don't have. This is about managing your anxiety. Sending a hand hold.

I think some of the responses you're getting on here are a bit harsh. I do know where you are coming from. I had twins by IVF after recurrent miscarriage and I think that having so much on my plate at once did force me into the discipline of putting my worries to one side and just dealing with whatever was happening in the moment. It's made me a mich more laid back person than I used to be. So in that sense it has really helped having more than one. From the point of "only chance of happiness" - I think for me with 2 there's more of worrying that both will be OK, what if one does well in school and the other not and that sort of thing. So it's swings and roundabouts in that way.

I sort of get what you mean.

I have one and have thought that I’d worry about them less if I could split the worry. That is a me issue though, I needed to worry less and get a handle on my anxiety (which hrt helped with), but I do understand your thought process.

I think if you’re a worrier you’d absolutely worry as much it’s just it might be split more ‘healthily’ across 2 entities. Note I put that word in quotations because it’s still not that healthy and you should try to get help if it’s bothering you this much I think. But also if you’re a worrier that worry could equally double and be insurmountable in which case you should also get help.

some people are just more prone to worrying whatever the situation I reckon.

Yeah this is so true! I'm the biggest worrier you can imagine. That's one reason why I don't do IVF (apart from the cost)- I don't think I could deal with the emotional toll of it!

I have 3 children,I’m more confident about some things now I’ve had 3 rather than 1 for example when our first one was a baby I probably took him to the drs for things that I didn’t necessarily take number 2/3 for ie hand foot and mouth because I knew the drill after going through it with the first.
I still worry about them all if my littlest has a high temperature I probably check on him as much as I did with my first.
I think if you are a natural worrier it doesn’t matter how many children you have but the more children you have, the likelihood of repeated things means you are better able to cope with them as you’ve been through it before, if that makes sense?!

Yes, that makes total sense. Unfortunately it's unlikely I'll have any more children...

If I only knew that my one and only will be fine, then I would be happy!

Having seen what some friends have gone through, additional children doesn’t touch the sides of pain if one dies

I can empathise with anxiety but this really isn't a healthy way to think or be. Children shouldn't have the burden of being responsible for our happiness. Because they are going to grow up, move out and have ups and downs in life and it is the job as a parent to support them and guide them through this. Not to fall apart when this happens.

And I don't think it's a healthy model for children either. You are basically modelling to them that happiness only comes from other people, that they can never find happiness or pleasure from other activities or hobbies and that happiness only comes from a singular person. And your child is only six too, they've got a whole future and life ahead of them yet you seem to have written this off as saying the best years and fun parts are behind you all!

I have 5 dc and have PND. I think parenting is more intense when you just have one and you can indulge them more. My dc are expected to share more and do things that they might not particularly enjoy but their siblings do.

However worrying about their health is the same with one child or five I find. My eldest had a bad cold last week, his first one since starting uni, and I was so worried about him.

It's true. The more kids you have, the less worried you get. My dad was number 7 in his family. His eldest sibling was treated like a fragile ornament. By the time he came along, he managed to potter off, age 2, into the garden, fall into the river and be rescued downstream by his 14y/o brother who was fishing there. It wasn't that he wasn't loved as much, it's just that parents have a limited amount of bandwidth and at a certain point they just have to hope for the best.

YABU. Having a spare child isn't going to make you less bothered about one of them being seriously ill or dying. Well, unless your only concern and care for your child is what they can do for you rather than the genuine love and care mothers usually feel for their child. It's actually quite a concerning way for you to think, how will you feel when your child grows up and doesn't need you any more? What if they become a difficult teen and bring you stress instead of joy? Will you still love them? Will you be able to encourage their independence and let them prioritise themselves?

I'm not even going to answer this as it's ridiculous, this has nothing to do with me being "concerned about what they can do for me"?? All I want for them is to be happy and healthy and I have said numerous times that this isn't about having a "spare", please refer to my many replies

I think the anxiety issue is you. I have two children and I never really worry about them in the way most parents describe, all I can do is my best in terms of raising and providing for them.

Out of the blue dangers that are beyond my control obviously do exist but there is nothing I can do about them so no point in worrying.

Worrying is wasted energy imo.

You would have more practice and build experience and perhaps resilience maybe with more children.

Perimenopause is a current buzz word but no less real for that and anxiety can be part of that in case you think this may be relevant.

I would recommend having some CBT for your anxiety.

My experience is more children = more worries. It doesn’t get spread around, it just multiplies.

But it sounds like your anxiety is more than the usual anxiety for our kids, so I’d look at some CBT as it’s just going to hold your son back if you maintain this level of anxiety. And definitely before you consider more kids.

Good luck!

No that’s not how anxiety works. If you’re suffering from being overly anxious, you will always find something to worry about.

Hypnosis is often very good for this and enables you to resolve the underlying causes for your anxiety. However, there are mediocre hypnotists and excellent ones, so do choose your therapist carefully.

You need to tackle the anxiety directly. If you want another child for his or her own sake then go ahead but having another child will not fix your anxiety, instead it will give you more things to worry about. Such as, now that I have child 2 am I giving enough to child 1?

I don't think it makes a difference. I have three adult DC, and if anything happened to any one of them I'd struggle to be in a world without them in it. The feelings you have are not managed by people with multiple children because they're spread and diluted, they're managed by techniques to feel the fear, but not allow it to be consuming or debilitating.