Opinions on sleepovers , can we just stop it .

[Flowerpowersss]

Growing up in the 90s and early 2000s i had amazing fun at sleepovers as a child but looking back on them the stuff me and my friends got up too as young teens ( internet on computers, webcams) and the storys ive had from friends at other sleepovers i decided that my children wont go to another persons home at stay over especially now with smart phones and social media .

From the ages of 6-12 my children have been invited to multiple sleep over bday parties and ive said no to every one because i dont know the parents , i allowed my child to attend a sleep over party but i collected her just as they were going to bed .

Id like to add that ive allowed my child to have 2 friends stay at mine as i know im a safe person .

My child is now in secondary school and shes been invited to a sleepover party and i said she can go but cant sleep there so i will collect her before bedtime , the parents insisted it is a sleepover so my child has now been univited and her friend is asking someone else .
I did say when shes older i might reconsider sleepovers but because i dont know these people i cant allow her to spend the night .

Can we just stop birthday sleepovers !

No. WE won’t “just stop it” because YOU have a problem with it.
Work on your issues, don’t dictate how others raise their children.

Do be aware that your daughter has already started to resent you for this. (Source: reality and all of human history)

Well her daughter has already been uninvited from a party thanks to her mother's sleepover rule. So she's missed out and her friends now think her mum is weird. Not to mention when everyone is talking about the party at school, she'll miss out again.

My dad was like this. He meant well, but it was cruel and made me feel like a freak among my peers. I resented him terribly for many years.

"Still doesn't work, sorry - it's irrational decision making. If she's really "withholding judgement" on other parents' decisions - especially when they involve her children - then she's admitting that her own decisions are ethically random.

In reality of course, she does believe that other parents are behaving responsibly when they allow their children to sleep over at her place. Her own decision to refuse to follow their example is because her decisions regarding her children are emotionally based rather than rational.

She actually expects other parents to behave more sensibly than she does herself.

The fact that her "boundaries" are dictated by irrational fear will not be lost on her kids, and could well have a detrimental influence."

Eh? How is it irrational @BeanQuisine? Seriously? It's not irrational at all to say "I'm uncomfortable with my child sleeping with other families, but I'm willing to host my child's friend if their parents are comfortable with that". It makes perfect sense, and is certainly not "ethically random" (what on earth?). she knows her child is safe. And she knows that other children will be safe with her and is willing to leave that decision up to the parents.

She's not expecting other parents to do anything. She's merely inviting them to make their own choices.

It's also not irrational, and it's not detrimental. It's different to what you would do. It's rude and arrogant to assume that her doing some different to you is automatically worse. It's just different. Let parents decide their own boundaries.

so in your happy little world, smart phones and social media aren't an issue during the day or when your children are out with friends?

I think some education on the use of internet etc for your children might be useful and you should also attend!

children will be children no matter what you try to prevent, you need to allow sleepovers at other houses and trust the other parents.

Poor kids. No wonder why so many kids seem to be anxious, socially inept and virtually friend-less and solitary.

OP however does not want other parents to decide their own boundaries.

"Can we just stop birthday sleepovers !" and "Can we just stop it."

I am guessing that her children are pushing back now they are getting older, and OP is finding that difficult.

She's not wholly wrong to be afraid of sleepovers, I understand her thinking, although her risk assessment seems way off in this area.

But she is wholly wrong to want to dictate what others choose to do to make her own choices and parenting easier.

It might be a cultural thing- I'm not British- but over my dead body would my kids go to any sleepovers. Totally unnecessarily risky. I don't know who is in that house or whether they keep an XL bully in the garden.

A shared camping situation where each set of children has their own mum there? Totally different and absolutely great.

If your children and bullying and excluding others based on their parents decisions, you should be examining your own parenting not the OPs.

All she's done is start a conversation about it. She's not living her life with any sort of hypocrisy.
She's clearly uncomfortable with sleepovers, but as a compromise, has been willing to host them. That's not hypocrisy, that's "I'm not comfortable with my child sleeping with other families, but I'm willing to host their friends if their parents are comfortable"

She started a conversation about the wider aspect of sleepovers and her viewpoint is that she doesn't like them.

You’re depriving your child because of your own issues. Seek therapy or get a grip.

Sleepovers are common in the USA and Australia too, can't speak for other countries.

My children went to sleepovers only after I had been to the parent's house, met the family and any pets, and assessed the risk. I didn't know anybody who would invite a random kid whose parents they had never even had a coffee with for a sleep over, and that does seem a bit odd.

They absolutely loved every last one of those nights, as did the girls and boys who regularly had sleep overs at our house. I couldn't even count the amount of sleep overs they attended or that we hosted, at least a few a year (each) from the age of about 8 or 9 onwards. Such fun times.

But people are allowed to make their own risk assessments and parenting choices and I was never offended if someone didn't want their kid to sleep over.

OP is indeed allowed to keep saying no and make her own choices. Which is ironic gven OP has expressed that she would like other parents to comply with her wants in order to make her own parenting choices easier.

"OP however does not want other parents to decide their own boundaries.

"Can we just stop birthday sleepovers !" and "Can we just stop it."

I am guessing that her children are pushing back now they are getting older, and OP is finding that difficult.

She's not wholly wrong to be afraid of sleepovers, I understand her thinking, although her risk assessment seems way off in this area.

But she is wholly wrong to want to dictate what others choose to do to make her own choices and parenting easier."

Who do you think OP is @nothanks2026 ? She's not in parliament proposing a change in law, she's just started a discussion 😅

Is there any lasting damage from what you got up to at sleepovers? Doing stupid things as a teen is part of growing up. I can understand no sleepovers at primary school but it's too overprotective with teens. There's also nothing that happens during a sleepover that couldn't happen at any other time.

Eh? How is it irrational @BeanQuisine? Seriously? It's not irrational at all to say "I'm uncomfortable with my child sleeping with other families, but I'm willing to host my child's friend if their parents are comfortable with that". It makes perfect sense, and is certainly not "ethically random" (what on earth?).

Except that's not what she's doing, and if it were, it would indeed be ethically random. It's like saying, "I'm happy to let other parents make decisions regarding their children on a whim, as my decisions are also not bound by any apparent reasoning."

For ethical decisions to be meaningfully rational, they need to be logically consistent. If she thought her "discomfort" at her children going on sleepovers was rational - and that she'd be irresponsible to allow them - then logically she should apply the same standards to other parents when they make decisions regarding their children, especially if those decisions also involve herself, her home and her children. Which is certainly the case when she asks them to decide whether their kids can sleep over at her place.

If she decides - as she clearly has - that other parents are acting perfectly responsibly by allowing their children to stay at her house, even though they know little about her, then she's logically admitting that these parents are a lot more ethically sensible than she is, and that they make superior decisions.

But like you, she doesn't think rationally and is blind to her own contradictions.

Knowing the parents does not indicate 100% safety. It does not matter if you know them well or not. Your dc are going to be ill-prepared for life if you restrain like this. I would be having frank discussions about safe use of internet, no pics in underwear, no pics in pyjamas sent to their pals - hammer all that home.

I was feral from age 12 . Sleepovers were shocking and often didnt involve a house (lied) and involved all nighters in fields/woods with booze and smoking. I feel sick thinking about the risks we took - like many people I know. It doesnt stop me allowing my kids on sleepovers. When they move to secondary school i will try to meet the parents before a sleepiover and will have my kids visit first before commiting to sleepovers (incase the place is filthy) but otherwise its all part of learning.

Of course you can stop it but you can't stop anyone else doing it or your child pestering you if they're not allowed to go.

I think it is very reasonable not to allow sleepovers until you've been to the other child's house and met the parents, checked there's not an XL bully in the house etc..

I was not a fan of sleepovers but I wouldn’t dictate to others, especially if I hosted them. I don’t have an issue with you not wanting your child to attend sleepovers but your hypocrisy by hosting them is just weird. I’m guessing the people hosting sleepovers think it’s ok because they think themselves to be ‘good people’ too.

You had me up until you said you allow them to have friends to sleep at your house because you know you are a safe person.

I am betting all the other parents feel the same way about themselves.

Dd has had sleep over with friends I know well and at primary school I'm not sure inwould have agreed to them with parents I don't know. However, as an almost teen at secondary school I am unlikely to really know the parents of her friends from this point on.

You arr going to socially isolate your kids from their peers id you carry thisb9n. Not everyone is a predator and whilst I appreciate your situation leaves you predisposed to think the worst, I think you are going to do more hamr than good.

But ultimately it is your choice as their parent.

Well done that parent for having boundaries, and uninviting your child to the sleepover party since you won’t allow them to participate in the sleepover. Your child is in secondary school; do they not go on residentials?

My son is an only; he regularly sleeps over at friends’ houses, and vice-versa, because otherwise DH and I wouldn’t be able to go out (he’s not old enough yet to be left alone all night). We always make an effort, though, to get to know his friends’ parents.

Even if you don’t know the parents well, surely you at least have their phone number? Plus you educate your child. They have a phone; emergency numbers, knowing how to call for help, how to say ‘no’, what to do etc. Surely by secondary they should start to be prepared for the coming years at uni, or living with others?

Yes. One post on MN & the whole world will stop sleep overs.

This obviously isn’t what the OP meant. She KNOWS she is a safe person, therefore it’s up to their parents if they allow their child to stay at her house. She doesn’t know if her child will be in safe hands at a sleepover 🤷🏼‍♀️

I agree with you OP. 100%

Love the people saying oh if you don't know the other parents invite them for coffee. Ah yes, the classic way to spot a neglectful parent or predator. Anyone can behave themselves for a 20 minute coffee.

Er …. You ask if there’s a dog in the house? Presumably your child isn’t going to a stranger, random kid’s house to sleep? They will know if their friend has pets? If not, you ask the parents?

Bloody ridiculous. Do you want your children to hate you?