Opinions on sleepovers , can we just stop it .

[Flowerpowersss]

Growing up in the 90s and early 2000s i had amazing fun at sleepovers as a child but looking back on them the stuff me and my friends got up too as young teens ( internet on computers, webcams) and the storys ive had from friends at other sleepovers i decided that my children wont go to another persons home at stay over especially now with smart phones and social media .

From the ages of 6-12 my children have been invited to multiple sleep over bday parties and ive said no to every one because i dont know the parents , i allowed my child to attend a sleep over party but i collected her just as they were going to bed .

Id like to add that ive allowed my child to have 2 friends stay at mine as i know im a safe person .

My child is now in secondary school and shes been invited to a sleepover party and i said she can go but cant sleep there so i will collect her before bedtime , the parents insisted it is a sleepover so my child has now been univited and her friend is asking someone else .
I did say when shes older i might reconsider sleepovers but because i dont know these people i cant allow her to spend the night .

Can we just stop birthday sleepovers !

Why are you safe but others aren’t? If you don’t agree with sleepovers hosting them seems hypocritical.

your child will miss out if you don’t allow it.

it was fair enough that if your child is invited to a sleepover but you say they can’t stay over, that the offer is withdrawn so a different child can be invited instead.

There's likely to be more a damaging effect by NOT letting her go - because that's mortifying for someone of that age. Kids will take the mick about being the one who had to be picked up by their mummy because they weren't allowed to stay over.

When I think about the kinds of things I used to get up to as a young person I cringe inside. If my kids were doing those things I would be gutted.. but there's no reason they shouldn't as I (and many others) did! In fact it's even easier to get into trouble now, thanks to social media and smartphones.

But that's the world we now live in. We cannot wrap them in bubble wrap forever.

The more you protect them now, the more dangerous it's going to be when they're going to uni, if they're trying EVERYTHING for the very first time due to not being allowed before.

I grew up in the late 90s/early 2000s. Never had a sleepover. Wasn't a thing in my friendship ground. Did me no harm.

I don’t let my kids attend sleepovers. When I think about what happened when I attended them when younger it’s a no from me. Now my eldest is a teen I would let him, but not primary.

There’s a middle ground isn’t there. I think when they’re younger, no need for friend sleepovers but maybe some overnight baby sitting is ok if needed/wanted.

Over about 11/12 with some caution is generally more ok. You can ask to meet parents, find an excuse to subtly check the house out.
You’ve also had the chance to impart some advice and guidance about being safe, sharing worries etc.

I don’t think a blanket ban on sleepovers is going to be realistic or needed for a teen.

If knowing people were enough to detect an abuser then no one would be abused by a family member. The truth is, life is not without risk and it's down to parents to weigh the risk of any given opportunity against the benefits and make a judgement. All we can do is our best.

I agree with you. I dislike the idea and I just don't understand the obsession with sleepovers from parents as well as kids. My daughter has been to one and I know both the parents really well but it still made me uncomfortable. I also completely understand what you're saying about being fine to host them- I know that the kids will be absolutely safe in my house. I know they will not be exposed to any inappropriate screen use because our kids don't have access to screens without our supervision.

If my children get left out because they don't go to sleepovers I will advise them to find better friends.

"Whether or not there's any hypocrisy, it's certainly an irrational attitude.

She presumably believes the other parents are acting responsibly when they allow sleepovers at her house, even though they don't know her very well.

But putting herself in the same position, she believes she'd be irresponsible to allow sleepovers at their houses. This makes little sense because if she genuinely believes that, then she should refuse sleepovers at her house too, as she wouldn't want to encourage other parents to behave irresponsibly.

It's not a matter "her knowing that she's safe" - she knows the other parents don't know her any better she knows them, so by her "reasoning", she should conclude it would be irresponsible of them to allow sleepovers at her house."

@BeanQuisine
No, it's not irrational at all. She's parenting her own children. That's all. She's comfortable with having children in her own house, but not allowing them to sleep over at other people's. These are her parenting boundaries.
What other parents do is separate. She's not imposing her beliefs on other parents, they're free to make their own decisions.

The amount of posters who've told OP that her child will be isolated and bullied because of her not being allowed to sleep away from home, yet at the same time using the fact that OP allows sleepovers at her house to accuse her of hypocrisy, rather than seeing it as a positive action towards the child not being left out...that tells me they're just looking for sticks to beat OP with.

I suspect you are also a person who doesn't let the children go to shops on their own either. You are being suffocating towards your children and they will rightfully be resentful towards you as adults. How do you expect them to learn to trust their intuition and handle difficult situations? You are also damaging their mental health. They are not your possessions. Your job, as a parent, is to get them ready to live and accept other people. The real world is not Disneyland.

I think they are a great idea and I'm grateful my parents weren't paranoid. SA can happen sadly but that's not an exclusive night time activity. If someone was targeted it would happen anyhow so to prevent it entirely you'd have to ban children from ever visiting other houses, and probably from parties and sports activities too.

Each parent gets to choose their boundaries and that's fair enough, but if there is one thing that gives me the rage it's the ones that say no to other people but are happy to host because they believe they are 'safe'. It's just about the most insulting arrogant thing you can do, implying the other person is a paedophile or an incompetent parent. (It's also the kind of line an actual paedophile would use to gain trust, just saying).

This is exactly it. You can never eliminate all risk and being heavily risk averse can cause harm too. Kids do learn through some measured risk taking.

No childhood is ruined by not having a sleepover but it might feel like it for the child not being allowed. 😄

Parenting is partly about giving your children the skills to live and exist independently from you and the safe base you have created. It is not a good idea to coddle them to the point they are not allowed normal experiences like attending a sleepover. I get that you can never be sure of someone new around your children but also being fearful to the extent you deny your child developmental experiences is not good parenting. They will learn everything outside the home is fraught with unbearable risk - that isn’t true.

You're not a hypocrite to allow a couple of sleepovers at your house.

She literally says that she thinks people should stop sleepovers.

If you think sleepovers should be stopped, then how is it not hypocritical to hold them yourself?

I agree @Flowerpowersss . However I have no skin in the game: I am old, my children are in their 20s & 30s.

Do what you think is right for your child. You are the parent. Sometimes you have to decide a course of action and stick with it regardless of what everyone is doing or not doing.

"Each parent gets to choose their boundaries and that's fair enough, but if there is one thing that gives me the rage it's the ones that say no to other people but are happy to host because they believe they are 'safe'. It's just about the most insulting arrogant thing you can do, implying the other person is a paedophile or an incompetent parent. (It's also the kind of line an actual paedophile would use to gain trust, just saying)."

In other words.. "Each parent gets to choose their own boundaries, but your boundaries make me rage"

All of that stuff is literally your own paranoia and insecurities. No one is implying anything. She's making parenting decisions based on what she knows to be safe. You are free to make those same decisions for your children, and she's not insisting that other parents bring their children over to sleep. It's merely an invitation. She's not imposing her boundaries on the other parents, she's upholding her own boundaries and allowing them to do the same.

It's not a reflection on anyone else. It's not insulting and arrogant.
Your views, and the way you express them are incredibly arrogant though.

This!!! I’m horrified how many MN replies say she’s in the wrong here, most SA happens with someone the child knows, sleepovers are a huge danger to kids, 1 in every SIX males statistically have an inappropriate interest in children, just let that sink in before packing your kids off to someone’s house to sleep.

My two attended sleepovers in primary school and we also had some at home too. There were around 5 guests at ours who all brought pillows and duvets and they slept downstairs. They had a great time eating pizza, watching films or gaming until midnight. I'm glad I wasn't too paranoid about what could go wrong but most likely wouldn't.

My concern would be that your neurotic parenting choices and the anxiety you are so strongly projecting will be amplified in your children if and when they become parents themselves. As they become young adults, I do think you need to let them have some freedom and, by and large, the parents of your children's friends will represent a safe option within which to have small adventures such as a sleep over. Firstly the children will all be together and secondly their parents will be trying even harder than usual to make sure everyone has a good time and is safe. I do except that there are some people who should never be allowed near children, but they are few and far between. Be vigilant yes, spoil such simple pleasures - no.

No, it's not irrational at all. She's parenting her own children. That's all. She's comfortable with having children in her own house, but not allowing them to sleep over at other people's. These are her parenting boundaries.
What other parents do is separate. She's not imposing her beliefs on other parents, they're free to make their own decisions.

@Ginor

Still doesn't work, sorry - it's irrational decision making. If she's really "withholding judgement" on other parents' decisions - especially when they involve her children - then she's admitting that her own decisions are ethically random.

In reality of course, she does believe that other parents are behaving responsibly when they allow their children to sleep over at her place. Her own decision to refuse to follow their example is because her decisions regarding her children are emotionally based rather than rational.

She actually expects other parents to behave more sensibly than she does herself.

The fact that her "boundaries" are dictated by irrational fear will not be lost on her kids, and could well have a detrimental influence.

My DCs went to multiple sleepovers. In primary I knew the parents, in secondary I knew some of them. Occasionally I had to pick up early - DD in particular but that was her decision.
You need to arm your DC with the tools they need for internet safety etc.
Also when you drop off - make a point of speaking to the parents.

No. You do not get to decide other parents' boundaries.

And if you expect others to trust you to watch over their child, you will have to give them the same respect and trust.

You are of course entitled to keep saying no.

Do be aware that your daughter has already started to resent you for this. (Source: reality and all of human history)

OP never mentioned SA as one of her reasons. She mentioned video games and kids messing about as she says she did as a child,

Hang on… you think everyone should stop birthday sleepovers because you don’t want your child to go on them?

I have mixed feelings about sleepovers. However, I do feel DBS's are only as good as the day they were conducted and even then only if there's been a conviction or investigation. I wouldn't lull myself into a false sense of security on that basis and I say that as a household where we both hold Enhanced DBS's re checked every 3 years.

We host sleepovers and allow kids to go to sleepovers. But my kids are aware that not every kid likes them and also that not every parent allows them. That means, sometimes we change things around so everyone feels included. It's what you do for friends.