Opinions on sleepovers , can we just stop it .

[Flowerpowersss]

Growing up in the 90s and early 2000s i had amazing fun at sleepovers as a child but looking back on them the stuff me and my friends got up too as young teens ( internet on computers, webcams) and the storys ive had from friends at other sleepovers i decided that my children wont go to another persons home at stay over especially now with smart phones and social media .

From the ages of 6-12 my children have been invited to multiple sleep over bday parties and ive said no to every one because i dont know the parents , i allowed my child to attend a sleep over party but i collected her just as they were going to bed .

Id like to add that ive allowed my child to have 2 friends stay at mine as i know im a safe person .

My child is now in secondary school and shes been invited to a sleepover party and i said she can go but cant sleep there so i will collect her before bedtime , the parents insisted it is a sleepover so my child has now been univited and her friend is asking someone else .
I did say when shes older i might reconsider sleepovers but because i dont know these people i cant allow her to spend the night .

Can we just stop birthday sleepovers !

You lost me at allowing others to stay as “you are a safe person” but yet don’t trust your child to keep themselves safe or that others are safe.

you are categorically NOT a safe person or parent.

you haven’t equipped your child with the tools to keep themselves safe or the education they need for keeping themself safe.

is be wary of allowing my child to stay at someones house who doesn’t allow their child out of their sight for the night tbh

It’s your choice to parent your child as you wish too but a sleep over is a major part of a birthday celebration if one is being organised.
Our eldest child hates staying over at other peoples houses who he isn’t related to, so if he gets invited to a sleepover he generally declines and now he’s in secondary school, not many of them seem to organise birthday things apart from maybe a trip to the cinema.
Our middle child has a close friendship group of about 6 and every birthday celebration for the last few years has always ended in a sleep over, they get pizza and then game after paintballing etc. Anyone with phones/devices hands them in to the grown ups at lights out and they just quietly chat until they fall asleep.
These are friends he has grown up with and they are heading to secondary school September and will likely be spread all over the place, so their sleepovers etc may stop which will be pretty sad.
I think your daughter is going to miss out by never sleeping over at a friends house, if she had a phone and could text you if she felt uncomfortable then the risks would be small.
However you have to do whatever you think is right, but parents are also within their rights to organise birthday sleepovers and exclude your daughter from an event if she’s not sleeping over in favour of inviting someone who wants to stay.

Your poor kid i bet all her friends are talking about the sleepover and your dd feels really left out.

Wow just wow. Poor kids, you will
do harm to their friendship groups if you carry on like this they risk being left out

It’s unfair to punish your kids because you misbehaved at sleepovers when you were young. I cringe at some of the stuff friends and I got up to - drinking, sneaking out, all sorts - but you can’t stop your own dc learning and having fun especially at senior school age. Your poor dd must feel very left out and resentful.

I'm shocked how many people are giving the poster a hard time for not allowing her child to sleep over at a house where she doesn't know the parents at all. And presume if she doesn't know the parents, she doesn't know any older siblings either. And superficially knowing somebody isn't a safeguard anyway. A friend of ours only found out another friend of theirs was a paedophile when he was arrested and went to jail. They were really shaken, as they'd known him for years, thought he was a nice guy.

Thought this was going to be a "can we stop discussing this" post because, yeah, everyone is entrenched in their view, no one is changing their minds and it's boring and pointless.

Op, you could have agreed to the sleep over and insisted on swapping phone numbers so that you could talk with the host's parents.
You would have met them when dropping off your DD and a phone call could have ascertained that - there were no boys, no alcohol and that there would be adults present in the house for the duration of the party.

I think it’s quite rude to accept invite then try and change terms of it eg pick up 11pm. Either accept or decline but don’t try and impose your rules on others. Your dd will know to decline as soon as anything sleepover discussed and going forward probably won’t be invited to things as friends will know she can’t so it will be less of an issue.

You say you might reconsider when she's older - what age are you thinking?
I was fine with sleepovers 6-13 or so, but found them more problematic 14+ when drugs, alcohol, boys/girls, etc are introduced.

No, you’re being ridiculous. The vast majority of sexual abuse, if that’s what you’re worried about, is by trusted adults in the family or close community. Not by random parents at a sleepover (where would the friends be when this is happening? and why would it be less safe than when your child comes over to watch a film or go for a trip to the swimming pool? or at football or gymnastics practice?).

My dc have had unsupervised contact with a convicted child sexual abuser. Do you know where? Not at a sleepover. Not at a friends house. Not on a school residential or a scouts camping trip. In my own bloody house, and the person in question was a trusted elderly family member. Abuse most often happens under your nose.

YABU.
Overthinking.
Chill out.

You are being ridiculous.

It’s not just that she doesn’t let her children attend, which would be fair enough as a parenting decision. It’s that she wants everyone else to stop having them, organising them or inviting her kid. Despite her organising some themselves.

Seems you think other parents are being reasonable to let their kids sleep over at your place, even though they don't know you very well.

But you think it would be unreasonable for you to follow their example. Doesn't make much sense.

Although that's true, one thing being a greater risk doesn't mean you should just ignore the lesser risks. That makes no sense.
'I don't want to let my child cross the road alone in case they get hit by a car'
Well actually they're most likely to die in a car crash as a passenger so it's ridiculous to worry about them crossing the road

I'm only responsible for my own child, if other parents want to make less safe decisions, why would I follow their example?

Rather ironic that you think other parents should stop sleepovers, but you are perfectly happy to host your own.

When is your magic age when sleepovers become ok? Why?

OP you've had a lot of weirds and ridiculous comments to your post, a lot of them just sound like pure spite tbh. I guess other people asserting their boundaries makes some people insecure about their own parenting and they decide to lash out. They're trying to make themselves feel better by making you feel worse.

You're not a hypocrite to allow a couple of sleepovers at your house. You're asserting your personal boundaries based on what you know to be safe. You didn't impose your opinions on anyone else. Those parents were free to allow their children to attend your sleepover or not. There's no hypocrisy.

Don't allow other people to use their past trauma to dismiss your concerns. Someone else was sexually assaulted at a sleepover and they say you're ridiculous to not allow sleepovers. They're out of order to use their experience in that way. Their experience doesn't invalidate your boundaries. My best friend's step-dad exposed himself to me on more than one occasion (I was too embarrassed to tell anyone), and I happen to agree with you. So it just goes to show, there's no reason to allow other people's past to influence your decision.

For me, it hasn't really come up. My son doesn't want to have sleep overs. He loves the comfort of his own bed, he loves waking up and having a cup of tea and two crumpets for breakfast in his dressing gown 😁. He just has no interest in sleepovers. And contrary to what some of the more spiteful comments say, he has no problems with friends. Nobody thinks he's weird, or that his parents are weird. There's no "stigma" (I can't believe someone actually used the word stigma 😆). I have no worries that he's going to be stunted and unable to cOpE iN tHe rEaL wOrLd as other people have said..it's a tiny non-issue.

What the hell. Are you OK?

So you're just going to continue projecting your issues onto your child and ruin her childhood experiences while all of her friends participate and then talk about them in front of her?

I had a parent exactly like you. I absolutely hate them now I'm an adult. Neither me nor my children spend time with them.

The most valuable gift you can give your child to keep him / her safe OP, is to that of an open, loving relationship with you, where there are no boundaries of what can be discussed and the feeling of security to your child. You cannot control the outside world, nor is it your job to.
Equip them the self confidence and resilience to notice and recognise 'unsafe' situations and come to you to talk about everything and anything.
How you do this is up to you - tap into what your child enjoys, martial arts, dance, music but build that relationship by spending time with them and talking rather than limiting their opportunities.

just as you judge others for having sleepovers or letting their DC go, one day your own DC will judge you not letting them go. They may understand or they may feel forever annoyed that they missed out. I’ve raised 3 kids to adulthood (nearly, youngest is 18 next month) and they’ve done plenty of sleepover, and had just as much fun as I did when I was younger. In all honesty, it never crossed my mind that something terrible would happen to them sleeping over at their friends.

You're not a hypocrite to allow a couple of sleepovers at your house. You're asserting your personal boundaries based on what you know to be safe. You didn't impose your opinions on anyone else. Those parents were free to allow their children to attend your sleepover or not. There's no hypocrisy.

Whether or not there's any hypocrisy, it's certainly an irrational attitude.

She presumably believes the other parents are acting responsibly when they allow sleepovers at her house, even though they don't know her very well.

But putting herself in the same position, she believes she'd be irresponsible to allow sleepovers at their houses. This makes little sense because if she genuinely believes that, then she should refuse sleepovers at her house too, as she wouldn't want to encourage other parents to behave irresponsibly.

It's not a matter "her knowing that she's safe" - she knows the other parents don't know her any better she knows them, so by her "reasoning", she should conclude it would be irresponsible of them to allow sleepovers at her house.

@JamesClyman
"That's the poster's decision, not yours."

Yes it's her decision to make for her life. It's not her place to use that experience to dismiss another person's parental boundaries as "ridiculous".

And while I'm here, it's also not her place to inform OP that her children will be anxious and isolated in the future, based on this tiny non-issue. She knows nothing about these children's lives, personality, families, nothing. She's basically diagnosed future mental health problems of OPs children based purely on the fact that they don't go to sleepovers. Absolutely insane.