Opinions on sleepovers , can we just stop it .

[Flowerpowersss]

Growing up in the 90s and early 2000s i had amazing fun at sleepovers as a child but looking back on them the stuff me and my friends got up too as young teens ( internet on computers, webcams) and the storys ive had from friends at other sleepovers i decided that my children wont go to another persons home at stay over especially now with smart phones and social media .

From the ages of 6-12 my children have been invited to multiple sleep over bday parties and ive said no to every one because i dont know the parents , i allowed my child to attend a sleep over party but i collected her just as they were going to bed .

Id like to add that ive allowed my child to have 2 friends stay at mine as i know im a safe person .

My child is now in secondary school and shes been invited to a sleepover party and i said she can go but cant sleep there so i will collect her before bedtime , the parents insisted it is a sleepover so my child has now been univited and her friend is asking someone else .
I did say when shes older i might reconsider sleepovers but because i dont know these people i cant allow her to spend the night .

Can we just stop birthday sleepovers !

IMO there should be a rule about phones at sleepovers - all handed in by a certain time until morning.

I say this largely because my 3 young Gdcs - all primary age - were at the house of close friends (dd trusted the parents absolutely) where they were found watching porn on the eldest’s phone. It wasn’t even a sleepover - just early evening.
The parents were appalled, but talk about a wake up call….

I am in 2 minds about sleepovers, having only a few at friends houses where I knew the parents and before the kids had phones.
Now in high school - with a phone, and parents i've not met we are starting get the request for a sleepover.
I had such fun as a kid but the risks seemed lower then without screens etc.
Now I really feel uneasy but also want dd to have a full & fun childhood.
So i'm on the fence 🙄

Being a Mum is a series of letting go .First day at Nursery,then School then going to Uni ,first dates and so on. You are doing them no favours at all by being so controlling .A friends sis was RC .and the family were hard line ,very strict .Not allowed out or a BF .Got pregnant at 15!You have to have a word with yourself and let her have fun ,she must be gutted to miss out .I have done stupid things as a teenager, but my own DC have their own minds .My DS was at Uni .I30 miles away!

Not fair on your child and overly protective - give her space to learn through experience - good or bad

I find year 5/6 is the best time. You’ve known the parents for years by then and likely to be friends or good acquaintances. At secondary it’s all new!

IMO there should be a rule about phones at sleepovers - all handed in by a certain time until morning.

I would absolutely agree with this rule. With the caveat that the child should be allowed their phone and a private space if they want to call home.

Sleepovers aren’t really a thing in this country (Germany), but DS(9) has done lots of overnights with sports and youth clubs. Including a camp under canvas where I didn’t know the greater majority of the leaders.

Each time, I‘ve reminded him that his privates are only for him, and others‘ privates are only for them. And they’re not a game. If anything happens where he feels uncomfortable or pressured into anything, find a leader he feels safe with, who can also phone me at any time to talk or pick him up. At any time, including the middle of the night.

The trick was not to make a big thing of it, but to be clear about what to do if he felt uncomfortable in a situation.

Nothing has ever happened, but when there was a tricky situation when changing after school swimming with other kids, he knew how to react and was able to talk to me about it and what we could do.

Sleepovers aren’t the only situation a kid may be put in an uncomfortable or dangerous situation so it’s important that they know what is appropriate behaviour or not and - most importantly- if their spidey senses are saying it’s wrong, how to get out of it.

I think people need to remember that most sexual abuse is by an adult or another child that the child knows. It's not usually a stranger. Often it's a close male relative. To say that you've known someone for years therefore they are 'safe' is very naive.

I’m not sure what you mean? Are you saying I’m messed up and that’s what I went travelling and you think that’s a bad thing? To travel alone? Or are you saying that I shouldn’t have been able to sleep over at friends and that’s why I was abused?
not being arsey, just interested to know.
thanks

It's optional. I never allowed them to go (CBA with knackered kids the next day) and never hosted one (CBA with broken sleep) and my kids all managed to have friends, go to uni and have normal lives.

OP doesn’t this post show that things can happen even without a sleepover?
My DS is in yr11. If he sleeps over at the house of a friend I don’t know, I get the details of the parent and introduce myself. I might be the only parent that does this, but I feel more comfortable and DS is fine with it. He knows I’ll agree to things if he follows my rules, such as this.

Having fun at sleepovers is such a big part of being a teen( if your teen wants to take part, some won’t) You’re going to have a negative impact on her friendships if you don’t start to relax about it.

People are just crazy these days … no wonder we have a generation of kids who have no idea how to cope in the real world coz they haven’t been able to grow up . They already can’t play out in the street , they can’t go to the shop without being tracked or Mummy on the phone to them .
You sadly have to let your children grow up one day and you shelter them from the world forever . Let them be children . Let them have fun and behave like they should and you will find your child will grow up to be an happier , more stable individual.
Teach them that they can tell you anything and if you give them the tools to know what to do in situations , you can keep them safe whilst giving them a bit of independence.

We got up to all sorts of mischief at sleepovers too - that's the point isn't it? We all survived and had more life experience as a result.

Also "be allowed when she's older"? She's already 12, presumably? So do you mean when she's 16 and staying at a boyfriends house? Or 18 when she leaves home?! I think you'll need to loosen the reigns a bit, she's older than you realise.

So you're a safe person, but no-one else is.

Your poor child 😫

Can we just stop birthday sleepovers !

Have you considered asking the government to rush this through parliament?

Again, I really hope I’m not coming across offensive to you personally. Just saying you have highlighted one of the dangers (I.e. abuse). The main reason parents like me are against it.
I understand people do feel different about sleepovers. I don’t plan to get into a discussion when parents in real life start inviting us. My 5 year old knows we don’t do sleepovers. That’s that.

Own your choice. You can, rightly or wrongly, say no to all sleepovers. You can’t stop other people from having them , or asking. You should be able to explain your choice to your child, if your arguments aren’t good enough, well… that’s not other people’s fault or problem.

Thanks, not offensive.
if it helps, he did it when it wasn’t a sleepover too. Just when I was there and I was there a lot because our parents were best friends.
Probably doesn’t help though!
just saying you can’t protect them from every thing or they’d never leave the house

Mine had her first when she was 11 as by then she knew what to do if she was ever made to feel uncomfortable. She has called me once to pick her up as she did not like the way the sleepover was going at age 14. We have a code agreed so when she says a certain phrase I call and insist she must come home because of some important not to be communicated reason. So she can get out of uncomfortable situations easily.

I was abused in various situations /locations by different people. Avoiding all of those for DD , would make her life very, very small.

You want everyone to stop having sleepovers because you don’t want your DC going to them? That’s quite entitled.

I had a rule in place that my children didn't sleep over at school friends houses at primary school. But once I had got to know the parents and I was confident that my children had good boundaries/level of understanding I allowed them to stay with people I trust. So mine started going for sleep overs from about ages 10.
I think you need to think of the bigger picture. You need to teach your child about boundaries and appropriate behaviour, but part of that is by taking risks and being exposed to small risks.
My kids are now at secondary school, they both have a great core group of friends who they have sleep overs with.

I think my point is, just to have a blanket no to all sleep overs may well leave your children feeling resentful. Get to know the parents and start building trust and go from there.

Because yiu cant handle them us not a reason to say no, other people have no issues and they happen for the

Your child misses out others should not have too, if their parents want to say no it up to them they dont need to be stopped just don't send them

I’m sorry to hear about your experiences.

We are specifically talking about sleepovers here. Something within your control as a parent.
Some poor kids have been abused by family members. Unfortunately difficult to avoid those as much. Parent your kids as you see fit. My children will go on school trips etc. I know there’s a risk there too.
But I draw the line at sleepovers where the environment is not necessarily as carefully managed as a school trip, for example.

Oh no - I have a friend like you!! She's generally very thoughtful, but she tries to restrict other families' activities to things she personally wants to do on the grounds of 'inclusion'. So if she wants a quiet day at home, she will try and kibosh any plans anyone else has because hers 'would love that and would feel so left out' if anyone does it without them, even a bog-standard park trip. There's lots of 'oh no, Sophie's crying because she'd love to come today but I need a day at home. Can we reschedule for next week instead?' in the group chat. 🙄

She's very lovely in other ways so I don't really know how she has the nerve to suggest everyone else should miss out just so her kids don't get FOMO, but we love her and her kids so we put up with it (and do what we want anyway, tbf).

I'm not sure I'd be so diplomatic with your positions, especially if you're happy to host sleepovers yourself!