AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

I think you need to take this to couples counselling or you’re going to end up separating. One way or another one of you is going to build resentment until this is addressed and a compromise agreed.

"in practice, PERHAPS that looks like I don’t wake up in the night unless it’s an emergency OR I have SOME weekends where I’m at the pub on Saturday afternoon"

@CrazyGoatLady you've chosen to read that as "I am in the pub every Saturday afternoon" when it was actually a hypothetical scenario.

God it sounds draining and exhausting reading this.
Absolutely do to have any more kids and a sahp should of course do more childcare wise.
If she was a chilled and calm parent fine, another one maybe but she sounds neurotic.

"You begrudge her time off as she made the choice to be a stay at home Mum"

Why do people deliberately ignore what an OP says when it doesn't fit with their opinion?

What he actually said was:

(he envisions a set up whereby) the next she meets a friend for afternoon tea. She doesn’t want this though. I’ve suggested it before. If she goes out without the kids (rarely, like once every couple of months, because she doesn’t like to be away from them)

Two different issues here that I think you need to be clear on:

• you don’t want any more kids - that’s fine and ok and you’re right to say that and resist more kids if that is your wish.
• the money set up isn’t fair… it’s quite odd she is unemployed yet also funding 50%.. how is this possible? I would think normal would be all money into one pot, all bills paid, and then what’s left is split equally between you. Seems strange and the implication is she doesn’t need your financial support; so you’re not really a team on that front. If you reorganised money so it was one pot I think you’d be more unified and I think really there’s a huge imbalance here and I wonder if you feel used actually just to have kids… !

Communicate your feelings with your wife OP.
My personal opinion is that the person who is at home does more of the housework/childcare, not just during the same hours you are at work but in general. I say this as someone who was a stay at home mum for a very long time. Yes, it was exhausting and mentally draining. I actually feel a lot happier in my life now that I leave the house more often and contribute to our bills. My mental health has improved so much. So all I will say is that you need to communicate how you feel with your wife. My husband wasn’t a very hands on dad at all, even outside of work hours. In fact, he did as little as could possibly get away with. Unfortunately I allowed it. I still am happy with my choices at the time when the kids were little because I wanted to be around them. Like your wife, I’d decline dinners/coffee trips/ even abroad holidays because I couldn’t face time away from my children. BUT I also never forced my husband to always stay home outside of work hours. When he wanted to do something, he went and did it. Yes there were times I felt he could and should do more. Yes there were heated debates. But I always respected the fact that he contributed financially and it was my choice to stay at home when invited out. So I didn’t ruin his day because of my preferences. If you need more time away from the children, say so. If you don’t want more children, tell her. My husband did not want our second child and he spent the first few years of her life making mine a living hell to prove his point. It nearly broke us. Absolutely do not have more kids if you are not happy to change your routines more.
Good luck, this is a very hard one to navigate.

Absolutely.

If OP doesn't want more children, then he needs to be clear about this, because it's a really big deal.

As others have said, a vasectomy would be the best way forward if he's absolutely sure.

However, he does need to be 'stepping up' for the 2 children he already has.

The bits that concern me are:

1. OP saying I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family. - this is the same for his wife.

He's said he is fine with them having 2 kids, and regardless of how many she may want in the longer-term, she may still appreciate a break as she's with them all day.

	 2.OP saying ^My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her 
	day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general 
	 spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money 
	 isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term^

But does that mean he's providing the "family money"? Some of the things are 'treats' like coffee, some are more 'essential' like clothes & dentist. What about providing for the children? Who is paying for that?

The two of them have very different expectations. He's working to provide for the family, it seems, and some of what he is saying sounds quite transactional.
However, I'm not clear how the wife feels - she wants a large family - is that something she's funding herself (or would be prepared to) from an inheritance? It seems unfair that OP doesn't want a large family but is feeling pressured to provide for one.

She'll definitely leave you if you won't father more children? Strange that someone who claims Motherhood is her whole purpose in life would show so little regard for the stability and happiness of the children she's already got.
Arguments about distribution of childcare aside, are you not incredibly hurt by this?
You say you really love this woman, but your place in her life is entirely conditional on you providing the requisite sperm for the number of children she wants. She doesn't seem to care about what you want at all.

As for you, no, of course you can't agree to have more children you don't want on the basis that once they're here you can just half-arse it and that'll serve her right! What a cowardly and immature proposition. You've married a woman who has been very clear that she expects you to be an equally hands on parent so yeah, you spending Saturday afternoons in the pub and refusing to get up early with your children will definitely be fine and not cause any resentment at all.

Honestly, your relationship sounds quite toxic. Very transactional with both of you preferring to manipulate the other one or force their hand to get your needs met in lieu of empathy or honest communication.

@Megifer

he has offered for her to go out with her friends, she doesn’t want to 🤷‍♀️

“She'll definitely leave you if you won't father more children? Strange that someone who claims Motherhood is her whole purpose in life would show so little regard for the stability and happiness of the children she's already got.“

THIS! This absolutely sums it up

she sounds like a bit of a knobhead tbh

He said he goes to football "very rarely" because he doesn't like her reaction when he does. He's not buggering off to the pub every Saturday.

He's also proposing fairly that they have equal time off and she also goes out with her friends some Saturday afternoons and they take it in turns.

What is unreasonable about that?

^ don't know what happened with my post above, I tried to format it to be more readable and totally ballsed it up.

She should shoulder a higher percentage of the childcare.
There will be times when both of you are stressed, tired more than the other. And in a marriage you support one another, especially at such times.
Generally though, as a SAHM her work predominantly will be home and more focus on children than someone who is not at home. Where timescales are not set as they are for your work.
She cannot do your areas of work. And you cannot ask her to.
You both need down time.
But don’t compare the roles SAHM and employee are vastly different. Not less or harder. Just very different.
Her day with one at school and a one year old at home will be very different to yours at your place of work.

If you don't want a big family, then have you discussed getting the snip? ✂️
@dadtosomekids

It says “The house is paid for 50/50 by us”, so the mortgage I guess? maybe he pays the other shared bills. But of course he’s only able to work full time and be out the house 8am - 6pm because she’s a SAHM. It sounds like the family money she has maybe means she doesn’t need his money

why not just approach all of the shared responsibilities, whatever they are, as a team. Neither is coming out well from this… either way it’s not fair on his kids to just try to opt out of being a parent - they will notice that.

It sounds like she just doesn't want to get a paid job as has her family money to fall back on so having more children then gives her a raison d'etre.

Very silly of her

Yes I know but she needs to think how it will work if she does leave.

This is exactly right.

You are well within your rights to say no more children. It is a cruelty because she was upfront about her desire for a large family BUT it is much less cruel than bringing an unwanted child into the world.

It may be the end of your marriage - but even if you stick at two, if you’re not pulling your half of the load in your non work hours you marriage will probably end anyway due to her resentment.

Ultimately you shouldn’t really have married someone who wanted a large family if it wasn’t what you also wanted. It was selfish to do that just to keep her. But you are where you are now. It is totally ok for you to say to her that it’s far harder than you had imagined and two kids is your capacity.

I think some of the responses are a bit harsh - how I have interpreted this is that before you had kids your DW said she would like 3-4 children, you wanted 1-2 but you would compromise because you wanted to be with her.

When the children came along you found it tougher than you thought it would be, as none of us really know what its like till we are parents. So now what you are saying is if you have more - you can’t do as much as you do now??

I think yoj are being very reasonable in identifying that parenting right now is hard and you don’t feel you can give any more to it. I think DW is reasonable in wanting more children, she has said this from the beginning. But where is the compromise??

You now need to really be open and discuss this perhaps with a counsellor. You both cannot keep burying your head in the sand. Perhaps you also need to work out what chores need doing and how they will be split - when I was on mat leave I never expected my DH to get up in the night as he had a 6am start, however he would do a 10pm feed so I could get some sleep, I also did most of the housework as DC1 was a preschool/ school and my 1 year old still had naps - so just reviewing what the expectations are may be helpful.

The bottom line is you cannot have another child when you are poles apart on this topic. Its not fair to either of you or the child. Do you need to use protection at this time to prevent accidents, whilst working all this through?

I do think every weekend day family time is also a bit unreasonable- just because she doesn’t want an hour or 2 away from the kids on a Saturday it’s unreasonable for her to think you don’t. This also needs to be discussed.

Why is she spending her own money on her clothes/dentist/upkeep/housing and ultimately splashing her savings while not having an income?

You should be covering this seeing as she’s a SAHM. Don’t like it, request her to go back to work and you pay half of the nursery fees alongside 50/50 on all child rearing.

Sounds like another man who wants a SAHM slave yet doesnt want to cover the finances.

no way.

better not to have the kids. She’s not going to accept you never or hardly ever wanting to do the shit parenting jobs. And it’s not sustainable with 4 kids it needs all hands on deck.

Do not have children you don’t want.

If you don’t want any more children then honestly don’t have any more, the resentment that it will cause will be huge.
You should do 50/50 when you’re home from work for the children there are however a couple of exceptions.
When I was at home I didn’t expect my DH to do multiple get ups in the night if he was working the next day. He would get up in the night with them on a Friday/Sat but during the wee he would get up to them until 11/12 so I could go to bed early and get a block of sleep and then I would get up 12.00-7.00 and then he would get them up so I could have a lie in if they had been up in the night a lot.
I didn’t expect him to do the evening meal during the week as I was home to prep it, same as whizzing a hoover around etc but he did a lot when he was at home the weekends.
Amount of children isn’t really something you can compromise on, you said you would have been happy with just one, you already have two what if your wife gets to 3/4 and still wants more.
You need to have a very honest conversation about your life and how you feel.

It’s says she pay for half the house, no? I think that means she pays half the mortgage…

Both parents need to want to have a child, you shouldn't have a kid just for partner as that is not fair in the kid. If you are struggling now you are just storing up relationship issues for the future as relationships also take time and energy that will complete with meeting your childrens needs. You need to be brutally honest with her that you don't want any more.