AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

It doesn’t sound like she is just going through savings but spending an income she is generating from investments she made/inherited.

why should she get to keep all of her money and spend what the op is earning instead. To be honest their current set up financially doesn’t sound too bad at the moment but depends what happens when the kids are all in school

This.
sounds like she wants to stay at home full time with 4 kids. Are you happy with that? Has she ever worked ?

Well presumably she owns half the house so fair enough

I started off thinking you were totally BU because you married her, knowing you only wanted one child and she wanted several.

But she seems inflexible almost to the point of batshittery. She isn't being reasonable to make unhappy noises at you wanting some time to yourself on an occasional weekend when she refuses offers of the same.

Whatever about your decision to get married with this massively huge issue unresolved, you are being honest now and you need to stick to your guns. If she wants more kids against your wishes and has the luxury of not having to work outside the home, she needs to accept more of the hard slog.

I'm the last person that would let a man off the hook in terms of domestic or parental responsibility and strongly believe that the parent who works outside the home must muck in and do their share when at home, because the running of a house and kids is an 18 hours a day job, if not 24 sometimes.

That said, if you have reached your limit, that needs to be recognised and discussed..Would she really break up her family and subject her kids to the process of her finding another man to give her more kids?

I dread to think what she will be like when they are independent and grown up! Completely bereft! Children grow up fast and leave the nest in the blink of an eye , although it may not feel like it when you are going through it.. One day it will just be you and her. How will that be?

You must impress upon her the strength of your feelings. Don't have any more kids until there is an accomodation you can both live with.

My personal opinion is that the person who is at home does more of the housework/childcare, not just during the same hours you are at work but in general.

Why???

You then go on to detail how it nearly broke you, you were so miserable, your husband is an arse but you stayed with him etc. And you still think this is the way?? Value yourself!!

Time to herself doesn't just mean going out with friends.

I totally get your point. However you can’t go in this thinking you can be less hands on. Imagine this: she gets pregnant with multiples next and (god forbid) she dies during birth? If you can’t deal with worst case scenario, you shouldn’t go ahead at all. Get a vasectomy as many have said.
that said, if it’s also that important for her to have many kids, you have to be prepared for her to leave. You can’t have it both ways.
by the way, I’m a woman, one and done by choice (one noone in the world can persuade me to have another child) so more than get your points. My husband wanted more and I was prepared to let him go if he couldn’t imagine life with one only.

I agree. She sounds an utter bore and will be completely lost when they want their own life away from her.

I was a SAHM… still am in a way but oldest is 40 now.
My husband never lifted a finger for the children, not a single nappy change! He is useless at practical stuff.
All 3 were solely BF until weaning.
Strictly speaking having offspring was his idea, he ‘promised’ he’d ‘help’ 😂. We have different ideas of what help is, I guess?
Yep I am in UK & wfh, mostly seamstress.
Just giving a different pov, I suppose.

Actually I think that is a fair enough point. And if you lose your job because you are consistently too tired to do it corrrectly/ make mistakes through tiredness you presumably will have no money, a non working wife and 4 kids. She is a SAHM, she wants the kids, she should really face the facts of no more kids. She sounds like she wants her fantasy and wants to force you to go along with it. Its not fair on the kids to end up with 2 resentful parents, and it wont do your marriage any good anyway.

Certainly; I can explain my thinking. At no point did I say or imply that a man working makes a woman flakey. The OP has not said money is the issue, but that seems to be the point you return to, rather than addressing the crux of the matter, which is that OP finds parenting harder than he thought, he doesn't enjoy it and he doesn't want more kids.

• You made what came across as a snide remark about financial responsibilities being 100% on the OP, when they're not.
• You then claimed, "The OP explained she spends her money on coffee and clothes. She isn’t earning family money. That’s on the OP to do."

So when I said "your language makes her appear flakey...", I meant that, in your posts, by only acknowledging what this woman spends on day-to-day luxuries like coffee, and failing to mention the not insignificant cost of contributing to 50% of the mortgage, it reduces the impact of both her financial and home contributions. By constantly referencing the OP's financial contribution (yet not his parenting) but failing to give credit for his wife's financial contribution (not to mention her doing the lion's share of parenting), your posts give me the impression that you see her as someone who is somehow taking the piss. It makes me think you want to make her small.

There's nothing 'incel' or 'mysognyistic' about me disagreeing with you, or about me thinking father's like the OP should step up and take a more active parenting role with their children.

OP, the most important thing is that you make it crystal clear you are NOT having any more children.
Two is work, but lord 4 is relentless, absolutely relentless, even with great children.

It is so busy if they do sports, activities, friends, parties, all the things you want them to have.

It really is ok to say I am done.
Because it will destroy your marriage to have more when you really felt you had enough with 2.

I have known women with 3,4, and even 5 children, professional women with excellent big careers that insisted on having large families because they could easily afford them, but to be also very frank that they hated school holidays/weekends, with a passion.
Like WTH?
They have husbands in the background, but undoubtedly carry the mental load.
Nobody forced them to have 5 children and look absolutely miserable with them, and complain about them.
Really bizarre to be honest.

Two children is more than enough for a lot of people.
Actually, increasingly I am hearing of "one and done" from my nieces late 30's, because they have big busy professional careers, and they feel one is manageable in its impact.
Extremely reasonable IMO.

Don't have them and regret them.
Two many men do, and are shit parents as a result.

You're splitting hairs. OP wants her to have equal downtime, presumably to do what she wants with.

I don't get the why of this either. I grew up watching my dad come home from work and do the square root of fuck all. Threw his weight around instead of pulling it. My mum barely sat down from the minute she got up til the minute she went to bed, running around not just after kids, house and pets but after him because he wasn't doing anything. It was a miserable, miserable life, objectively. There was no reason in the world she worked all those hours and he had a clearly defined start and finish time every single day where he could switch off from everything.

I think you could reasonably say that you have had a rethink and that you are finding 2 kids lovely but really hard work and want to stop at 2. You could never 100% know exactly how you would feel until you become a parent.I always think that if you have 2 healthy children you are very lucky indeed but then adding a 3rd or 4th child is taking a risk that you will may not have more healthy children.

The OP is not the wife.

Absolutely this
@dadtosomekids
Do not have any more children, absolutely not

Please think about the children you do have
They need a loving involved father
I cant believe you think you might get up occasionally !
WTAF, you are responsible for raising them and yet you barely care about them at all.

You have zero idea of what the responsibility of fathering is.

I've just seen your username
@dadtosomekids
Is this a joke, it has to be

Doubt this.

she’d have to go to work for one thing.

you need therapy to help get you both through this.

having kids needs to be a 100% agreement from you both, or it’s a no. You have agency in this decision. She has no right to pressure you anymore than a man should force a woman to have children she doesn’t want.

are you using contraception? You need to be or she might fall pregnant accidentally on purpose

So it's been baked in frim the start that you want different things from life, yet you made a life together. I'm quite shocked tbh.

As to where you go now Im honestly not sure. As the old joke goes, I wouldn't start from here. Perhaps some joint counselling so you can see into wach others ' hearts a bit, rather than just joking about it.

If she’s the one pushing for more children, then she needs to discuss with you who should be doing what.

You shouldn’t ever be just a sperm donor for her wants - you need to both want and care for your children. 🤷‍♀️

Your children are still extremely young and a third child could be unthinkable at the moment . And two young children at this age are totally draining for everyone with almost no personal free time to sleep or do something else .However it does get easier and more enjoyable especially when they can speak and say what they need . Also school was a great step forward for us and I made a lot of friends who are still the centre of my life 20 years later . It is possible that when they are 4 and 7 and at school a third child could be reassessed . But it would be insane to be planning at the moment when you are both struggling .
Also it seems rather manipulative to suggest you could spill boiling water on someone because you were overtired and to equate that with holding down a responsible job .
I was a SAHM for our third child and really tried to protect my husband . We would have had such a rude awakening without his salary and support . And actually our third child was a total joy and his brothers were old enough to really love him . Nothing was as hard though as the earlier stage of having two young children together and I still can look back with relief that it is over .

How am I splitting hairs? I pointed out if hes going to be off at the pub (or whatever time he gets), he needs to make sure she gets a bit of time to herself too, however that looks.

The rest of it, yea, his wife sounds like a knob tbh.

working full time all week is exhausting but so is being a SAHM to a one year old. Could you both give each other time off over the weekend? My husband used to look after the kids when they were young on a Saturday afternoon while I wandered around town, and I'd look after them Sunday afternoon while he did his thing. Worked well for us. You are definitely entitled to not want more children.

@Megifer

well, go for a swim and sauna, or for her nails doing or whatever. Op has offered her time out, it’s on her if she refuses it. But it’s doesn’t mean he can’t have his break.

The op said he would like this but the wife doesn’t want it