AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

I feel like posters aren’t really reading what OP said.

She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it.

Posters decided to interpret that as “50:50 when you’re not working is fair”. Which I would agree with but that’s not what he said.

50% of early mornings and nights when one is working and the other isn’t - no that’s not fair. It only would be fair if you were both working FT.

The whole point of having a SAHP is they take the lion’s share of night wakings/ earlies. 50:50 at weekend is fair enough.

Real simple OP - you don't want to wake up at 5 or 6am any more, you don't have more kids. Because that is what parenting young children involves.

Honestly, both you and your wife are sounding rather selfish, you both want what you want and there's no compromise, you are not listening to each other or doing any perspective taking.

If they split up she can't "insist" on 50/50. You can't get a court order to force someone to spend time with their children.

I really wouldn't have any more children in your situation.

Being a SAHM is tiring, boring, and is still work, but its a different kind of stress and tbh id expect the SAHP to do somewhat more of the 'home' stuff. (I was a SAHM and it was bloody great tbh. Bit of tidying here and there, mooching about, napping with the DC 😂 ).

At least the 4 yo will be in school soon which will help. And tbh I wonder if your DW would agree to anything to get her big family, including relenting on the 50/50 thing. if you do make the ludicrous decision to have more kids dont be surprised if she goes back on that.

Do make sure she gets time to herself though. That is something you should be doing if you get to sit in the pub 🙄

What? How on earth did you get all that from his posts?

He isn't "making her use her savings", she comes from wealth and has inheritance, and she has chosen to use it for 50% of the mortgage in order for her to be a SAHM.

He does not begrudge her any time off!

You live on another planet if you got all that from his posts.

@dadtosomekids since your latest update, your wife does sound suffocating with her micromanaging. I think having anymore children would be a very bad idea. In terms of her never wanting to leave the children, I was like this when mine were young, but as they grew, I now love my "me time" now, so she may well change her perspective on that once they're no longer very young. She does need to back off and trust you when you've got the children out without her though.

He's been back 🙄

Of course you shouldn't be pressured into having children you don't want. If you're done have a vasectomy and put an end to it. Once a child is born you're both equally responsible for them.

I know how tough it is to have 2 children of those ages but your family life sounds very suffocating and your suggestion of taking turns to have down time at weekends is perfectly normal and reasonable. Agree with PP maybe you do need some sort of relationship counselling to talk about this.

Just tell her you don't want Any more children don't do it to placate her it's a recipe for disaster
Is also suggest she maybe looks at having a life outside of the kids how will she cope when they've grown and need her less? She needs her own identity outside of being a mother

That is really the issue , you are being coerced into more kids you don’t want and don’t want to parent

this relationship is doomed because if you become a hands off dad to 3/4 kids the resentment will break you up

if you refuse to have more the resentment may break you up

I am of the opinion that if you are lucky enough to be able to CHOOSE to be a SAHM then you do all the cleaning cooking and child admin and nights as if it’s a nanny job
but. The dad should do his bit with bed times and share the early mornings

it’s a bit different if she is “ forced” to be a SAHM due to lack of finances

any imbalanced in work / home / money / effort / goals and dreams needs therapy maybe ?

On the subject of more kids, yanbu, whoever doesn't want them wins. Though perhaps you should never have married someone who wanted such different things to you...telling her you were ok with it, and then resenting it so much?

This goes for the wife as well, yes? She should not have married someone who obviously wasn’t as keen on a big family as she was. Perhaps she thought she could always get pregnant “accidentally” if she wanted more.

So if you knew from the off that she wanted more kids than you, who did you envisage "getting their way"?

It seems that you weren't compatible over this & it's a very big thing to not be compatible over!

YANBU - if you are working full time and she isn’t working then she should be picking up more of the evening and morning work too. You aren’t going back on anything or ‘future faking’ as some have suggested as you are ok with her having the kids it’s just the division of work that you aren’t agreeing to.

If you don’t want more children then don’t have them. That’s a separate issue to opting out of parenting. No one wants to be woken up at 5am.

But you’ve had these children so should equally share the overall load (work/childcare/housework/responsibilities - whatever they are) with your wife. Same for any other children you decide to have.

Your children are people and you’re their dad - showing them that Mum does all that labour won’t lead to a great relationship with them. Are you going to explain to them - look, I don’t love being a parent so go ask Mum to tie your shoes or change your nappy? Of course not.

Don't have any more children. Parent the ones you have. This is not about who does what. This is about honesty and communication
Consider a vasectomy.

I think couples counselling is needed before any more kids. What happens if your next child has a disability or issues sleeping for example? Or if your work situation changes? Or one of you become ill.

Deciding that you'll do less of the work might sound like an excellent option if you both agree. But things might change that make it impossible for some reason. For example it wasn't apparent that our kids were autistic until school age.

@dadtosomekids

It sounds to me as if you were honest with her at the beginning, that you wouldn't mind 1 or 2. But she was also honest that she wanted 3-4. This is something that should have been hammered out before you married and probably would have been good reason to call it off. But here we are now.

You're entitled to stick to your 'plan'. But if you seriously don't want more, you need to get the snip and let the chips fall where they may. Because it sounds to me as if she plans to make it happen whether you want it or no. And if you aren't using condoms, you need to start now. And you need to keep them 'under lock and key' in some way. Because unless you take complete charge of contraception, you'll find yourself with more children than you truly want. And if she refuses to have sex with you those conditions, so be it. It's still mission accomplished, isn't it? But if you fail to take control, you deserve what you get.

You say she'll leave if you refuse. Do you really think so or is she just making an empty threat? Perhaps she has enough independent income (+ child maintenance) to support herself and the 2 children, but will she really want to give up what child 'duties' you do perform and have them with no help and no break other than the time they're with you? Something to think about. And to tell you the truth if I were with someone who was insisting (and actually planning) on more children over my objections, I'd leave them myself.

Every child deserves to be deeply wanted and welcomed. Please don't have more children simply because she wants them. It's not fair to the children. And even if you and she hammer out some 'agreement' that you'll do overall less than 50% of 'child duties' you can bet your bottom dollar that when it comes right down to it she'll expect you to 'step up' to the full 50%.

Err, no. @C152 is being the opposite of incel misogynistic.

You just like using those words, don't you.

You are responsible for 50/50 of the child care needed for your children when you are not at work. Your wife does all the child care while you are at work. Thats it ....
If you don't want anymore children because you dont want to (for whatever reason) don't have anymore children.
You seem to have agreed to have a large family but have changed your mind because of the work involved be honest with your wife about that and explain your reasons.

If that is the case that she'll leave you if you don't have more kids then you will have to let her go, but you can be a hands on dad in other ways. She sounds like a child wanting more toys to play with tbh and you are the provider of those toys. She doesn't get what she wants so she pouts and stamps her foot.
If someone loves you they don't resort to emotional blackmail.

You should never have children just to please someone else. If you're not 100% committed to raising a child, don't have the child. It's not fair on the child.

Don't make babes you're not prepared to be entirely present for.

If you want a weekend afternoon at the pub then your wife gets the same amount of time while you watch the kids.

If you don't want more kids then say that. But don't expect her not to feel some kind of way about it.

Also, do expect to carry on having to be 50/50 for the children you already do have.

He’s not buggering off the pubs on a Saturday , he wants to but is only getting to know rare occasions. Parents should be allowed some time without their children, he is happy to allow his wife the same.

he got up everyday at 6.

The whole point of having a SAHP is they take the lion’s share of night wakings/ earlies

Why is that, exactly? One person being constantly fatigued and the other well-rested doesn't seem at all reasonable

Then it’s quite simple really is it now? You don’t have any more. You’re an adult and have a choice here. You simply say no you’re not having more children, and you use condoms every time, abstain from sex or have the snip. This negotiation you’re proposing is a disaster. When your wife’s exhausted and asks you to get up with the 3 kids are you going to roll over and say nope you wanted them I didn’t, it’s your responsibility? How do you really think that will go down and how will your marriage fair with that? You say you only really wanted 1 child so you should have stopped there, you didn’t and now you have to face your responsibilities and pull your weight. But don’t do it again.