AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

Please get a vasectomy

Again, your language is making her sound flakey and irresponsible. She's not just spending her money on coffee and clothes, she's paying 50% of the mortgage payments as well. If this were any of the dozens of other threads on this site about SAHM questioning how it's reasonable to split bills when they're not working or only working part time, that would be seen as outrageous.

Go and get yourself neutered, asap! 🙂

It’s fair you don’t want more children.

It’s fair she wants things 50/50 when you’re home.

You have to decide whether you want to break up or have more children.

Stop negotiating - these are your options

@justasking111

yeah I would do if I were you, Op. she might say that she’ll dump you if you refuse to give her more kids, and go have them with someone else, but in reality that seems unlikely given that she barely goes out and has no social life as she can’t bear to be parted from
the kids nor trust anyone else to look after them! Where on earth would she actually meet another man to procreate with?!

Aside feom the house being jointly purchased, It is 100perent on OP to bring in enough money to keep the family. It sounds like her money goes on herself, and his money goes on keeping the family, including joint things like paying for all of the family holiday.

Again? Flakey?

Explain to me how a man working makes a woman ‘flakey’?

Check your incel misogyny at the door!

If you are finding 2 overwhelming, please don't agree to have any more OP. You only really wanted 1 and have agreed to 2, so compromise has already happened imo.

I think you need to have a vasectomy and call your wife's bluff. If she'd really leave you over no more kids then she is incredibly selfish to break up your family like this. If she'd walk over this then what else, armed with her "family money" would she leave you because of? If you agree to her 4, with her doing the lion's share, what happens if you then split up anyway, over the strain of a large family? You'd be left parenting 4 kids totally on your own for large chunks of time.

If she wants everything 50/50 then she needs to earn and get a job. It's not just about the money, it's about her recognising that 50/50 is exactly that. It works both ways.

" she’ll remind me that I’m a dad, ask what time I’ll be home, act like she’s heroically managed the kids alone all day when I do come home…"

BUT SHE HAS BEEN HEROICALLY MANAGING THE KIDS ALONE ALL DAY!!!!

Why do you think she feels she has to remind you that you are a dad?

Also for pps pointing out that he pays the bills.
She's not working but using her private income to pay half the mortgage as well as her own expenses - she's not getting NI on that is she? She chooses to be at home ATM to look after pre school children, not an uncommon choice if people can afford it.
But if she did want to go out to work - what level of support could she expect? Would he suddenly think that joint parenting/housework/lilfe admin after 6.00 pm and at weekends was fair? I doubt it.

Anyone else think he checks when he's out with the kids because she knows he isn't familiar enough with this to think about whether they need a hat or not?

OP. Don't have any more kids, you are not really parenting the ones you've got.
Tell your wife honestly how you feel so that she can decide if she can cope with your resentment or not. And also so that she knows what level of freely given support she could expect in future if she did return to work.

Wow, that does sound a bit suffocating. I do love my children but I love time away from them too and I’d struggle to cope without it. It sounds like you have very different ideas of what family life should look like.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to agree to more children than pull back on the support you give your partner. I also think she’s very unlikely to accept it too.

You should get your children (maybe the 4 year old for now) in to football and go take them to the football on a Saturday afternoon.
it won’t give you a break but does mean you don’t have to miss out on your hobbies.

I think her "joke" that she wants 3 or 4 isn't very funny. Please don't give her "her way" just stick up for yourself! You sound like you know yourself and your limits. It's natural to feel burnt out by parenting, even when you love your kids. Having more will just make things worse.

Lots of families compromise around differences like this. Two children is plenty for the majority of people. I wonder if an element of wanting lots of kids is that her only identity is being a mother? There is nothing wrong with that, but if she doesn't want to have a career then fulfilling herself through nurturing children could become a big deal to her. Maybe you need to have some big conversations around what you want from life? Can she imagine what she'll do when the children are at secondary school for instance?

He's buggering off to the pub on Saturdays without the family, he's only doing occasional early starts and night time stuff. You don't get much of a break when you have young children. That's how it is.

You both sound completely incompatible.

I know many couples who went into a marriage with a different idea of how many kids they want. The realty often adjusts these ideas once a baby or 2 comes along.

If you are sincere in all of your posts, then I think YANBU.

The fact you think she would leave you and break up a family of 4, is concerning and wouldn't bode well with me when looking at the future of the marriage.

Things sound rocky with all of these conditions and expectations.

I agree with other posters, in that if you absolutely do not want more children, then get a vasectomy.

Firstly, it takes two to tango - that means that if you (individually you, not the pair) do not want more children then you are responsible for your own actions to avoid that. You are just as capable and thus responsible of preventing another child (abstinence, condoms, vasectomy).

“I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour”.

To be completely frank it sounds like you have somewhat opted out of your responsibilities. Your tone sounds very might like you are happy to “help out” your wife with the house or children or whatever, although not in any significant capacity and not because you understand it is also your job. That’s not how it works. They are both of your children, what did you expect?! I get you work but yes, rest of the time, broadly speaking you both should be 50/50. You both made a decision to have children and were responsible for creating them (however much you say it was your wife that wanted them it wasn’t immaculate conception I’m assuming!) so now you reap what you sow, that’s called parenting including early morning etc., it comes with the territory 🙄

Yes get the snip secretly

I’m shocked more people haven’t voted unreasonable.

Your wife is raising your offspring and running the home and you’re making her use her savings to pay for the half the home: this is unpaid labour.

You begrudge her time off as she made the choice to be a stay at home Mum as she enjoys it: I imagine you enjoy your work which you decided to do but you still expect time off.

It sounds that you want to punish her for not compromising on more children and that you really are minimising what she does day in, day out.

That would be an excellent way to end the marriage acrimoniously

@CrazyGoatLady

sorry but you’re wrong. You totally can have breaks. One Saturday afternoon, OP can go to pub with his mates, while his wife looks after the kids. The next Saturday afternoon, his wife goes to afternoon tea or whatever with her friends, while OP watches the kids. So yes you can have a break, and Op isn’t unreasonable to want and need this.

You really need to have some discussion, probably with a counsellor, about your very different wants. You want some time out from your family (either alone or as a couple) and she wants the whole family to spend time together. You both want the other to share your viewpoint. Compromise would be ideal though you can't force her to do stuff on her own. (When you are with the children agree that you will ignore all texts from her, until she stops micromanaging. If she needs to call to ask you to buy milk/tell you the house is on fire OK but if she abuses that don't answer calls either.)

YABU in my opinion.

Whether or not to wanted the dc, you chose to have them, and they are entitled to care from both parents.

It's reasonable to say no to more dc, but not to have them and then choose to be a shitty dad and partner when they are here.

You have very young dc, it's normal to have no time off. How much time off do you imagine your wife gets? Why would you feel entitled to more time off than her?

Frankly, she's already doing the lion's share of the childcare (and you don't mention housework, but I'd bet she does that too) while still paying 50:50 for the house.

If you aren't enjoying parenting, it's likely because your bond isn't quite there. The solution is to spend more time with the dc, not less.

This feels very 'future fakery'. She was clear and you said at that time you only wanted 1. If you're sure she'd leave if you said you didn't want any more, then don't string her along any more!! Be clear with what you do and don't want and allow her to have the choice to have more children while she's still fertile!! Don't let her waste and more years on you, when you knew what you didn't want the whole time!! Poor woman!

No.... come on now.

He is saying "I'm at capacity. i dont love parenting. i dont enjoy this."
She saying
"I dont care. I want more kids and you need to do 50/50 and tough shit if you dont like it..."

Love really does blind people.

This problem has been in the post since you met and married your wife.

Kids are a 50/50 deal. You really can't just donate your sperm and then take your leave of the parenting.

Imagine your kids knowing "we only had you cos your mother wanted you"