AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

This is a post of two halves and I’m going to address part one.

When you say you don’t get much free time, as you do family things at the weekends, does your wife get free time? This is something you should manage so you both have it.

Side note, I have done maternity leave with a baby and a toddler and let me tell you that is harder than 99.9% of jobs out there, going back to work was like a spa break both physically and mentally and I have what would be considered by some a stressful job. Would you swap?

Second point, I think you need to have an honest discussion with your wife, she wants that big family but if she is left to do a lot more, she may struggle and resent you, your kids may also see their mum doing everything. She’s always been honest with you that she wants a big family but she might not want it if she’s having to do everything alone.

She always made it clear that she’d like 3-4, and jokes that she’ll get her way

Sounds to me like an "accidental" pregnancy waiting to happen, as recommended all too often on here when a woman wants more children and her partner doesn't

But he’s going out to work
she’s a sahm out of choice

if she went back to work I’m guessing the load would be split but if people “choose” to stay at home then they have made that decision!

This. You have wishy washy'ed yourself into a situation you don't want. Why on earth have you allowed it to get this far? You have always wanted different things from the outset. At least she was crystal clear.

By staying and having kids, you have tacitly agreed to parent and parenting means 50/50. The end. You can't try and pull a fast one over technicalities now.

He didn't change his mind - he always felt like that. He went ahead and got married knowing he didn't want 3/4 and that his wife definitely did. She laid her cards on the table.
The time to be honest was before the wedding, but he wasn't.

So why did the wife go ahead and marry him knowing that he didn't want any more than two children and she definitely did? He laid his cards on the table.

The time to be honest was before the wedding but she wasn't.

You have to tell her you aren't going to have more children. Otherwise this will all implode anyway. You mustn't have children you don't want who you will resent having to parent. She will continue to expect you to be the dad she has in her head and you've said here that's not you. If your marriage is going to end over this is actually better if it does so now rather than when you have another two kids.

I wanted three children, my husband wanted to stop at two. We have two. Sometimes I'm sad about that, but you can't force someone to have kids they don't want.

You need to talk to your wife and book a vasectomy.

Well then how would you feel about solo parenting 50% of the time?

If you dont want more children, you should not have any more children.

You acticely and knowingly participated in the creation of the two children you have, so yes you should do 50% of the wakeups or bedtimes or however you you two choose to split it. Why wouldnt you? And what relevance would wanting (or not) more children have?

here’s a set up suggestion for 3 kids: if you can, get a full time nanny housekeeper. Your wife and housekeeper share the house and parenting work Monday - Saturday. So you wouldn’t be required. I don’t think it’s fair to do early wakings for the main breadwinner if there’s a stay at home parent.

Weekends are family time and if you can’t be bothered then again kids would your wife’s job. Get a baby sitter so you both ease the load or kids go for a sleepover at grandparents regularly. This way of doing things would be acceptable for a couple with a main breadwinner who doesn’t want to do more childcare.

Knowing she wanted 3/4 children when you wanted 1 - why did you marry her?

I’m not against more traditional gender roles within the family home if it works for the couple, however you have quite a nerve to expect to be relieved of 50/50 parental duties, when you both pay 50/50 towards the mortgage and bills. If you’re not going to pull your weight with childcare, you need to compensate elsewhere (financially)

If you want a traditional wife, act like a traditional husband.

Also no one forced you to impregnate her 4 times. I’ve noticed from the tone of your posts you come across as a rather hopeless figure, you can’t passively sit by and pretend like you have no control over your own life because it’s easier to place to regrets and blame onto your wife.

Huge red flag she’s having to cover all her personal expenses when you’re the only one working. Who is ACTUALLY paying for this? She shouldn’t have to be using her inheritance when she’s basically subsidizing you not working. And yes you should be doing 50/50 when off work.

You don’t have to have more children unless you both want them. But, you knew she always wanted a big family, so she may well get v upset if you renege- that’s a risk you’ll have to take.

You should share getting up in the morning/in the night if there’s a bed wetting incident/ill child equally with your wife - that’s just part of being a good Dad; it doesn’t last forever.

How is she subsidising him not working when he's the only one working?

You really haven't read the thread have you? Or even OP's posts.

The wife pays towards the mortgage, the OP pays all other bills and all other family expenses.

He hasn't impregnated her four times. They have two children. His wife wants more.

Nobody should bring children they don't want into this world to appease someone else, and then refuse to look after those children with equal care and attention that they gave to the 'wanted' children. That's cruel to the children. Your wife's and your wishes here are not really relevant - the issue is that children deserve to be loved and wanted and cherished. If you can't do that, you have no business having them. So, no, you can't just expect your wife to do everything for the new child because she wants it more. Just don't have them. (FWIW I wanted several kids and my husband, after one, said, 'I can't do any more, I really cannot.' And so we didn't have another. I am sad, but also, both parents have to be on board because that's what a child deserves. Also, leaving the father of your child(ren) because he won't do what you want is enormously selfish if all else is good).

The ones he agreed to when he got with her because he 'wanted' her.

He lied about it and tricked her into staying with him because he future faked her and then changed his mind, because he didn't want her to go with another man and have the family HE promised her

Everyone reading this thread is not understanding. It's all in his OP. His wife categorically stated that she wanted a big family. He KNEW he didn't want it, but 'went along' with it because he 'WANTED' her. He lied and said 'okay, same'

Now it comes to crunch and he's reneged on the deal because the fake promise he made, is too much hard work.

That's the top and bottom of it.

Don't have any more children @dadtosomekids. Get a vasectomy. Take responsibility and tell your wife, very clearly, that you won't be having more children. It would be a huge mistake to go along with or 'accidentaly' have more children when you do not want and do not feel capable of raising more. What she does is up to her. Personally, I think she is being very selfish. It sounds as if she is used to getting her own way throughout life and just assumes that you will fall in line when she clicks her fingers. Perhaps it is because she comes from a very wealthy family and has an income without needing to work at all. Either way, it isn't a pleasant chracteristic. It is also v unfair of her to constantly critique your parenting and sent you reminders as if you are a child (unless you are constantly forgetting things).

I do actually know of one woman who really wanted a third child and her husband did not. After many discussions, she agreed that she would do all the night wakings, early mornings, etc and he didn't get involved in these exhausting bits of parenting but still joined in family activities with all the children. It worked for them and now they are both v happy with their three children. It doesn't sound as if your wife is prepared to do this though.

I don't agree with that. I don't think he lied. He says he went along with it. He sounds like a passive sort of, easy going man who gets persuaded into things. He wife is clearly used to getting her way and bullied him into agreeing.
I think they are equally responsible.
Circumstances change, things happen, many people can't cope with multiple children. That's life.

I dont think this is unreasonable when your wife is a sahm. At the end of the day, you are the breadwinner and fund the children's lifestyle. She is the default primary caregiver, therefore meaning she does the primary caregiving! I was a sahm and it has it's benefits and drawbacks, but on the whole, she can have a lazy day at home if she's up in the night, whereas you needing to work does mean you trump her on the sleep imo.

I would say give yourself and family breathing space. Your youngest is only one. You have plenty of time to decide whether you want another child. I was desperate for three children and would have had another in the first 18 months if I could. However we decided to have at least a 2 year age gap. I got past 18 months and decided I didn't want another, 2 wax enough, I didn't want to start with the baby stage again. I think it must have been hormones in the first few months making me desperate to have another.

Yes, and kids go to nursery too so she has the whole day to herself! Absolute piss take! 😂Of course she wants more babies!

No the 4 year old does 3 hours a morning. 1 year old is always with her. Thats a lot of the day with both small children at home

Not wanting more children is not the unreasonable part. The unreasonable part is you find 50:50 outside of work hours to be too much without seemingly much consideration that she is doing all of that solo 5 days a week: if you find it hard 2 days a week and a little in the evenings when halved, imagine what her days are like. Just because she finds it fulfilling does not mean it is any less work. She also has work in the morning and cannot exactly reign it in after a rough night. I'm sure your job is taxing too, and it's good that you come seeking advice or opinions but I don't think you're being very fair. If you need more time to yourself (and what parent doesn't) talk to her about how you can make space for each other to take a little time out, but I would expect you to be finding as much space for her as she for you. 7 days a week of childcare is relentless.

What thread are you reading? On this one:

The couple split only the mortgage. The wife pays her personal expenses. OP pays all other bills.

The couple have two children only. The wife wants more.