AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

I think the one who says "I prefer 1 but 2 is my maximum" is a hell of a lot more reasonable than the one who says "I've heard you but I'm going to grind you down until you agree to what I want". Where he went wrong was loving her so much he married and took the risk she was joking because he wanted to be with her. If the roles were reversed we'd be describing this as a coercive relationship. She's threatening to leave him because he wants to do what he said he was going to do when they married!

Sorry if this has been said, but I'm not reading 17 pages.

You said she doesn't have to work because she has family money.

Is there no way that, perhaps, this could allow you to lessen your hours too?

It doesn't seem fair to me that she's able to be a SAHM while you have to go out to work every day. Perhaps if you had a little more time at home, things would be more equal, and you might both be able to get some time alone to yourselves, too.

I don’t find it weird at all.

But the point is they were clearly incompatible. This could have been avoided had they married compatible people

As the SAHP, she should be doing the lion’s share of the childcare during the working week, with 50:50 at weekends. And you shouldn’t have any more kids unless you both want them.

She sounds rather self-centred.

The world is overpopulated. Two children, to replace parents, is the maximum anyone should consider.

It’s not remotely coercive. Signing up for something you don’t want and refusing to be honest lest your partner leave you is not remotely coercive.

He has not said she is threatening to leave. He has said he knows she would. But that’s her right. And I would be just as fine with a man exiting a marriage if and his wife could not reach an agreement on children. Leaving an incompatible partner is never coercive.

When I was a SAHM to two kids I did all the night wakings as I didn’t think it was fair on my husband who had long commute/working days. This meant I had to nap with them in the daytime and go to bed 7pm to get enough sleep. We didn’t see much of each other during the week but it meant we were both rested.

I don't think anyone should have kids they don't 100% enthusiasticly want. Your wife deciding that her opinion on how many kids you have, mattering more then yours is a red flag. I always wanted a third until my youngest started sleeping through the night (about 3 and a half years old) I can't go back to not sleeping.
I love being a mother but I'm enjoying my children getting a bit older and watching them get more independent and the idea of going back to having a baby who is totally dependant on me is something I no longer want.
Your wife already resents you trying to have a life outside of your family so realistically even if she agrees to do more work with baby number 3 do you think she would actually stick to it? Do you love your wife more then you love your sanity and the idea of freedom? She seems to love the idea of a 3rd child more than you.

I do find it weird I have to say. I think happiness in life does not depend on how much you reproduce. So I guess we beg to differ .

I agree with both of these posters.

I think that if you don’t wish more kids you shouldn’t be forced to have them. However if your wife really wishes another she should absolutely be doing all the night feeds, early rises etc.

Plenty of mums on here do almost all childcare AND work a full time job (which they shouldn’t have to admittedly). Your wife sounds a little lazy.
Bring a SAHM is a complete doddle compared to doing it all on top of a job. You should still make sure she gets one lie-in at the weekend and some me-time as well. This is just my opinion, as you have asked us all!

It sounds like you didn't really want children and do what a lot of men do which is when a woman has requirements/non-negiotables instead of walking away to prevent future issues you succumb and change your own requirements because you don't want to not have that person and it never ends well.

You do need to parent the kids you have 50/50 and to prevent having more kids you should have the snip so no 'accidents' can happen.

It’s also okay to change your mind. We both wanted a big family originally but after having 2 children, by husband is done and I respect that. It’s hard

Where are all these dead babies from tired mothers?

They're there if you look.

There are bloody loads of tired mothers

Because their partners aren't pulling their weight

What if their partner also works??

Whereas plenty of people have jobs where there actually is a serious risk of them killing someone if tired, any type of driver, nurse, doctor, firefighter, welder, any operator of machinary, surgeon, I could go on

Yep. And do you imagine they all have SAHPs? Do you imagine that none of them pull their weight at home, nor should be expected to? It can be done, it is everyday.

If you have small children and can't possibly imagine how you'd cope being so very very tired in your job and you can't afford a night nanny, then you should probably get a career that's more suited to you - or not have children.

If she's a sahm then I agree she should be getting up at night if you have work in the morning. The home parent should do more of the childcare that is effectively thier role. I work part time, I do the housework, dinners, pick ups ect as partner is at work. One is not less valuable but the one with more time does the chores and childcare it's not rocket science. Do not have any more children if you don't both agree. Weekends are different and you should be wanting to spend time with your children. You don't want more children, she's already got two. This really should have been discussed fully before marriage

You're not being unreasonable, but I can see that your discussion with her could be a minefield.
Good luck.

It is HER being coercive.

But she’s also sticking to what she said when they got married? That she wants 3-4 kids? He knew this when he married her. I think if you truly love someone you don’t shut them off to the possibility of having the life they want because you want to be with them. He was thinking about his wants not hers. Now they’re married and he’s pulled the rug ‘actually, the thing I said about 2 kids maximum I was 100% deadly serious and there’s not a chance I’ll willingly have more with you, if it were to happen then it’s your problem/ extra load to bear’ Perhaps if he said that before they married she might’ve taken him at his word.

I just don’t think they were compatible, thoughts on children need to align. I’ve always wanted children, I could’ve met an amazing man who was lovely in every way but if he was firmly child free or wanted 10 children, he wouldn’t have been the man for me. I wouldn’t try to change his mind, I’d respect his choice and move on. This is what they both should’ve done. It’s obviously too late for that now but I think they both made a bad call in assuming they could get the other to change their mind.

50/50 and you knew she wanted 3/4 kids from the very beginning. Why did you marry her?

Your proposal is unreasonable. You can't have kids and refuse to parent them. Your unwanted children will soon realise that they are unwanted and unloved by you. It's just a miserable idea.

Ultimately, if your wife wants more children more than she wants to be married to you, then you don't have much choice other than to end the marriage. You will also then be able to completely shirk your parenting of your existing two children if you choose to do so.

YABU. If you have kids, you look after them 50/50 when you’re at home, end of story.

You cannot neglect any future kids - or your wife - because you resent having them. Either have them or don’t. But if you do, you need to be a proper father and husband. You don’t get to shirk and be a manchild or deadbeat as a compromise for them daring to be born.

If you really don’t want more kids, just get a vasectomy. I know you won’t because you want your wife to do all the work of contraception (that she doesn’t want) as well.

Yes. I think she's being incredibly selfish and OP is quite right to worry about the consequences, which are not fair on him at all.

I feel this conversation should have happened a long time ago.

You 100% should not have any more children and it's not unreasonable for you to not want more, but you do need to be honest with her. The ball is then in her court.

I'd be devastated if I thought my husband felt forced into having a child, but she does have the right to then either step away or stay.

Also another point of view; my FIL has always (in my husband's words ) been there as a provider and given them everything they needed financially, but has never really been there emotionally or with his time. His relationship is non existent with his Dad. But his Mom.made up for it in buckets. His mom recently passed and his delightful Auntie told him and his siblings that their Dad never wanted children. My husband said it explains a lot.

People who don't want children, should not have them.

Can I ask - why did you marry her if she was clear that she wanted a large family, but you only wanted the one child? Seems a pretty fundamental mismatch of life wants that should have been considered before you started.

I don’t think you should have more children as simply put, you don’t want them. What someone says they will do and the reality is very different. Your wife may say she will do all night awakenings but the reality is she won’t.

From what you have said I think you would really benefit from a hobby / steady night off. You can offer the same but it’s not selfish or bad to want time for you.

I know a couple who are similar to you, she’s got her way and had the 4th baby and expects him to do everything when he gets in from work. All of them look utterly miserable and I feel so sorry for the kids. Don’t do it.