AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

Tell her you definitely don't want a third child and that you want to book vasectomy. That should sort out the conversations properly. Ideally then go and have a vasectomy.

If you don’t want another child then absolutely refuse to have one. If she leaves that would be quite shallow imo. I was ill a couple of years after we had our two kids (with a life threatening illness) When I was better I wondered about having another,DH didn’t want to and actually said he could have managed bringing up the two we had alone but couldn’t imagine it with three. I think he made a fair point. If you don’t feel you can parent more do not have any other children.

We have a similar-ish situation, in that we originally hoped to have three children but I changed my mind while I was pregnant with the second. I spoke to my husband as soon as I realised that was how I felt and we agreed to wait and see but I told him I was firm in my decision and the (very valid and not foreseen when we initially planned) reasons why. I also arranged a salpingectomy, so if he did decide he couldn’t stay with me (or we split up for other reasons or if I died) he would still have the option to have more children. Even if he offered to do absolutely everything for all the children if we had another I would still say no because I know it wouldn’t be fair on me, our existing children or the potential future child. I appreciate you’re looking for ways to keep your family together but in my opinion the only way forward is to be straight with your wife that you don’t want any more children and let her decide what she’s going to do.

Against most posters, I think she should be doing more as the SAHM even with 2 kids. Not all, but more of it. You can do a lot of stuff in the day with a 1 year old, like get dinner cooking or put a load of washing on etc. As for the early mornings, I work part time, and would say it’s harder being tired at work than it is looking after a child. So again, these should be a shared burden , but not 50:50.

if you don’t want more children you need to have a proper conversation (and not about the workload but about how you’d feel overwhelmed with more)

is she a bit of a neurotic type?
I think there are some SAHPs who want to devote their life to home and family partly because they find the world quite challenging

I agree if I was a sahm I wouldn’t expect DH to be getting up on weeknights 50 percent of the time.

She's going to oops you OP.

Personally I don't see anything wrong with your stance. The one who doesn't always vetos the one who does.

Seriously dude, get the snip. Stop this shit now and if she decides to leave to go forth and multiply then that's her choice.

She might change her mind when she finds herself having to work as well.

Well you need to make it clear that you don’t want a 3rd child. You’re well within your rights to express your own wishes and not just go with what your wife wants. I do agree that if she wants 1-2 more children and is a SAHM then she needs to step up and do more yes. But ultimately, don’t agree to have anymore DC when you clearly don’t want to.

Simply say you’re giving all you have to give with the two children you have, and then book yourself in for a vasectomy.
i think child-free saturdays in the pub are a rare treat not the norm for a father of young children. That’s your old life !

I don’t think that’s fair. Her values might be different to yours but that doesn’t mean she’s sad. On their deathbed, most people will think about their kids/ family, not their job or weekly netball match.

I do think women who feel this way are probably more likely to struggle as their kids grow up and leave home but she can’t help how she feels. The children are also still very young and dependent, her feelings might change as they get older and she has more time outside of caring for them.

OP does 50-50 with the two DC they have when he is home.

Okay, quite a few things to unpick.

1. it doesn't sound like she loves you for the person you are, more for your ability to provide sperm and income. If she would leave you because you don't want more kids then she isn't in this marriage for you, shes in it for your sperm. To her, you are replaceable. That's sad.

2. no one should ever feel forced to have children they don't want. If you don't want more kids, tell her. Get the snip.

3. any future children you have will be real people. Your older kids will notice your 'reduction in duties' and your younger kids will hardly know you. They won't see you as a point of comfort. That's very sad too. Sad for them, and sad for you one day when you're all older and they aren't bothered about having a relationship with you.

I can indeed confirm some of these things through my own experience. I adore my DH. I also was desperate to have more kids. DH ultimately changed his mind after DS1. He said he would because he knew it was what I wanted and he wanted me to be happy, but I refused. I didn't want a child in that way. I made peace with that and I adore my happy family unit.

My own dad never really wanted kids at all so my mam did all the parenting. He provided financial stability and occasionally looked after us so she could have a night out, but we're not really close. I don't go to him with problems. I love him very much but our relationship has never bloomed. I grew up with an unhealthy need to win men's attention and I do think that our shitty relationship played a part in that.

I dunno I think a certain amount of kids isn’t the “be all and end all” . If you decide that you want x amount of kids and your life happiness depends on the number regardless of how things go as years go by and how your partner feels I think perhaps you might need counselling and to work on yourself. If both parties are agreeable to 3 or more kids it’s a different story .

Ok so apparently my “honest thoughts” were reported and deleted.

So honestly OP I think you are in the wrong. This is a situation entirely of your making. She works in the home during the day. There should be an equitable split in the nights and weekend. I think it’s actually disgusting to commit to having children you don’t want to parent.

You should have accepted that children and how you parent them is not something to compromise on. You should have walked away and left her to find a man on the same page as her and now rather than be upfront and honest you are still trying to find ways to ensure she doesn’t leave by considering signing up to more children you don’t want and opting out of a fair share of parenting. It’s reprehensible behaviour.

Well this isn't fair. What does she say if you point out that if that email sent to the wrong client loses you your job none of you will have enough money to live on?

Your wife is being wholly unreasonable. You told her when you married her 1 was your preference and 2 was your limit. She "jokes" she will talk you round when she means she'll wear you down. With that attitude she'll probably trick you into it, I hope you buy your own condoms and store them safely.

You say she'll leave you if you don't father more? You badly need to get into counselling together but it doesn't sound hopeful.

Don’t have children you don’t want, that’s not good for anyone, most importantly the children themselves. Be honest. This half- hearted 30% approach won’t work, she’ll resent you and the kids will notice you not pulling your weight.

That being said I don’t understand why you decided to marry someone who was some adamant on wanting 3-4 kids when you didn’t. It’s not like you were on board and changed your mind, you never wanted it. You should’ve been honest and you both could’ve met someone whose family plans actually matched up.

Agree. I think they should have never married each other.

I dunno why your post was deleted because there was nothing absurd about it compared to all the posts here . I agree with you that he shouldn’t agree to having any more kids if he isn’t going to take full responsibility. However I do think demanding 3 or 4 kids isn’t acceptable if your spouse isn’t 100 percent on board . No one knows for sure exactly how many kids they will want until they have had a kid in my opinion so either party is entitled to change their mind at any point

What I meant was he doesn't ignore them or not engage with them. So on the face of it it appears 'normal'. I guess he's a 1950's dad.

He works long hours but spends most evenings on the pub and one weekend day playing golf. But that was the deal my friend made with him- he didn't want to be a parent again, didn't want any of the shit stuff but he'll do the fun stuff. She was desperate for children.

Don’t you think OP should take any accountability for still marrying someone who doesn’t take his family plans seriously? He wasn’t on the fence, he was certain. I think they’ve both been as bad as each other here assuming they can get the other to go along with what they wanted. And not taking a topic as important as children seriously. That should’ve been a dealbreaker.

But neither party has changed their mind. If he genuinely thought he wanted a large family but then decided he could only cope with one I would have a lot of sympathy. A friend of mine and her husband are in that situation and it’s awful.

But that’s not the case here.

Wonderful partners do not coerce their partner into fathering children that they have repeatedly expressed they do not want. I would stop sleeping with her, or ensure that your contraception is as foolproof as possible. She doesn't sound like a "wonderful person"; she has disregarded your stance entirely and is perfectly willing to treat you as though you are little more than a sperm donor. From what you have said, it wouldn't surprise me if she "intervenes" with your contraception and announces another pregnancy.

i just find it weird that someone whole life plan is having “x” amount of children regardless of what life throws at you or what your partner thinks . I mean does your whole life depend on the amount of children you have ? Personally I don’t think so and it’s subject to change. He didn’t say he was “dead set” on 1 or 2 kids . And if she’s not working it puts a lot of pressure on the working parent . sometimes in relationships compromises have to be made. She can leave if her life happiness depends on having more than 2 kids .

I think both of you went into this marriage hoping the other would change their mind. You hoping your wife would only want 1-2 children, your wife hoping you’d want 3-4.

I think you’ve both found your in a dealbreaker situation. There will be no winners and quite likely resentment from at least one of you.

Having said that, having another (unwanted) child to appease your wife would be very selfish and cause that child untold, lifelong harm. It’s your responsibility to avoid this.

I also think, as you’ve mentioned OP, your wife would break up your family to pursue having another child if you refused. This is also very selfish and to the detriment to your current DCs.

I think you desperately need couples counselling to untangle this mess and find a way forward.