AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

Can you claim any time back from work - less commuting / working from home? Can you afford to work four days a week? There might be space for you to get some time off if you can make work fit better into 9-5 rather than 8-6.

Caring for children gets easier the more you do it / the better you know your kids. Kids also become more interesting as they hit 4- 5. It's not going to be all about nappies and potty training. (Yes, different challenges but ones that might suit you better).

I think couples +/- individual counselling is a good way to go.

I wonder if your wife is expecting pressure to find a job when the youngest reaches school age so wants to keep a younger child round for as long as possible? You could talk about being supportive of her finding a hobby / doing some sort of college/ uni course etc You can talk through finances - are you both happy with her being a SAHM while your kids are at primary school?

There's various advice about the optimal gap between pregnancies - a quick look suggests 2 - 5 years between pregnancies is optimal. So you may have time to see how you feel about having more kids once your existing children are older.

Adding more children needs to be a two 'yes' discussion.

You probably also want to talk about finances and how that affects the support you can offer each child. A third child may well mean needing bigger cars to fit three child seats in the back.

DH and I had a similar dilemma. When we got married he wanted 4 children, I wanted three and we decided to play it by ear. He was by far the larger earner so once first DC arrived we agreed I'd be a SAHM. I did 90% of housework and childcare and he did bits and bobs at weekends.

About a year after having second DC I wanted to start trying for a third. At which point he told me he'd changed his mind - he wanted to stop at 2. He found the pressure of financially supporting 4 people too much. His earning capacity wouldn't stretch to supporting 5 people while still giving him the life style he wanted.

I acquiesced because I didn't have any logical reason for wanting another child whilst DH had a list of sensible reasons for not wanting one. Also I had been an unwanted child myself (as I was repeatedly told while I grew up )and I didn't want to do that to do that to another baby.

All that was nearly 30 years ago and we are still together but it changed our marriage and not for the better. I spent years mourning that 3rd child I didn't have. It destroyed our sex life - every time we had sex using protection during my fertile time I'd end up crying all the way through because I was heartbroken it wouldn't end in pregnancy . After years of this, sex fizzled out completely. I literally cannot remember the last time we had sex. We are cuddly and affectionate but that's as far as it goes.

We stayed married and I still love him and we are happy together now but if I'd known in advance that he was going to change his mind I wouldn't have married him.

edited for typos

What are you living for?

And also it’s not so easy to do - just dropping and picking up jobs short term

Where do you get this idea?

He is the one who gets up early with the DC, because his wife feels it is more important for her to sleep in.

When OP gets home and at weekends they are doing 50-50. He doesn’t want more children.

My point still stands. People are entitled at any point to say they don’t want more children . 2 is plenty. If she wants more let her leave

You need to have no more children. You do not want them. Your wife can then make her own decisions on what that means for her.

You 50/50 made them. You 50/50 parent them.

Doesn't sound like you were ever truly compatible if you had never agreed on how many kids you wanted.

What let her TTC thinking it will result in more children, knowing all along that it won't?
That is a disgusting and completely dishonest, cowardly and manipulating thing to do!

If you do get the snip. TELL HER.

Then she will have to, as its not worth the mental strain on you and not fair on all the children having a relationship that is strained with their father. Its a shame you two didn't reach a compromise earlier or your views don't sway her, as I'd rather stay with my loved husband than have two more kids when I already have two.

Young kids are hard and it's a strain for some, many. I don't think you should have two more kids to stay in a marriage, if it was the other way around and the male partner was pressuring a woman with leaving if she didnt have two more kids it would be horrific. It sounds like an obsession if she's happily leave and break up a family for her two current kids to chase some ideal.

The one thing I'd say re childcare for your two though, time outside of work should be 50/50 helping eacother as she isn't exactly having free time during the day with a 1 and 4 year old, work is actually a break away from kids 😅 yea there isn't much downtime but that's what happens with little kids unless you have family help.

so many men literally want a relationship without marriage and kids or just 1.....

You made 50% of those kids. Use a condom if you cannot be an equal parent, or get the snip. Your kids shouldn't be punished by an absent dad because you cannot be bothered to parent/don't want to. A bit late for hindsight, now.

but then why they accept the offer for a marriage from a woman who wants full brood and 50/50. Just stop doing it guys, have a sexual relationship with someone and let the broody women find paternal guys

plenty of people have jobs where there actually is a serious risk of them killing someone if tired, any type of driver, nurse, doctor, firefighter, welder, any operator of machinary, surgeon, I could go on. And of course driving to and from work.

And plenty don't. I would guess that more don't and I don't think what mothers do is less important than what everyone else in the family does. Parents' needs have to be balanced.

I may get flack for this but as a sahm of 3 for the first 10 years, I took on the vast majority of night duties, as dh was working and often abroad. Being a sahm is a privilege and it's a lot easier than being a working mum. Personally, I think you need to stick to your guns and leave it at 2 dc, if your wife can't cope and you don't want any more.

Exactly! Better she leaves now (probably won't) to go have more kids than OP gets so overwhelmed and resentful he leaves her with 3-4 kids (he might not ever do that but many men do) why on earth don't men grow a pair and be clear they don't want kids/more kids?!

I haven’t RTFT, but I’ve read the OP’s.

So I’m like your DW.

I made it clear that I wanted lots of kids on our first date and that he shouldn’t marry me if that wasn’t the life he wanted. I told him I knew kids were hard work and I would not accept him changing his mind after we had 2. I was very clear that if he married me then changed his mind, I would leave him because he had married me under false pretences and our marriage would not survive the resentment of him moving the goal posts.

Why did you marry her knowing that you didn’t want the same future?

I had a Dad like you and it has given me lifelong abandonment issues. You should not have any more children. Period. Doesn't matter what your wife wants. But if you do have children then you need to commit to being a full-time parent to them (and lots of us parent full time while also working) because your relationship to your children isn't through your wife - it's directly to them. And if you're not willing to be an involved dad for your children then you shouldn't have them. It's not about your wife, it's about the children's right to have a good and loving and equally involved Dad.

Dear God some of these replies are unhinged to say the least! Agree you should be honest and stick to you guns about having no more kids and I think you are NOT being unreasonable about the work/parenting ratio a SAHM should do more of the workload as you are working very full time AND paying all the bills!

Came on to say this.

As is usual on MN loads of people just like to pile on to OP, who is just trying to poll genuine opinions.

OP, you are quite right to insist that you will, obviously, help with another DC but if she wants one she must shoulder most of the Home Work burden.

FWIW I think a lot of people say they want a big family - until DCs arrive and you find out what hard work it is, of course she wants you to take up a lot of the extra burden. You are quite entitled to say No.

You shouldn’t have got together if you want different numbers of children. I’d be very careful she doesn’t ’accidentally’ get pregnant.
Also if she’s a SAHM why are you paying 50/50 on the house ?

What’s wrong with that ? There is nothing wrong with no kids or 1 kid.

So this might come over as old fashioned but back in the day my ex husband only wanted one child. When the child was two he changed his mind (no pressure from me) and we had another. Here’s the old school bit. I gave up work when my second child was two and I took on the majority of the domestic work and child care because in my mind it was my job. My partner did get up in the night to get the youngest back to sleep but we alternated each night. I cooked every night but he cooked on Saturday because he liked to. When the second child was five he agreed to a third child but it was a bit easier with the age gaps. My point is that as I didn’t go out to work, I took on most of the child care and everything else and didn’t think it was unreasonable as he worked a long day and earned a good salary. The marriage survived until the youngest was in their late teens and it was me that decided to end it but not because he had done anything wrong. Hope that helps.

🤣 JFC. I feel so, so sorry for Johnny’s future girlfriend/boyfriend. That DIL will never be good enough, will she?!

OP, you need to say enough at two, you’ll have no more.

On the current set up, you sound exhausted. if DW is independently wealthy, could you pool funds more and reduce your work to 4d a week, fo r example ? She can fund more into the family pot reducing expectations of you and you have an extra day to facilitate you both having some downtime. Weekends are too short for that! If she chooses to spend her downtime with her DC (yawn) then that’s on her.

She sounds dull. I feel sorry for her, what will she have or be when kids grown? Nothing. Desperately awaiting grandkids probably. 🙄

I disagree that SAHM is easier than a working mum . I mean I’m on mat leave at the minute so have been not working the last 7 months . I find it so much harder than when I am working and me and my dh split the duties. Looking after kids is hard work and when more responsibility is on you it is difficult, in the same way that being a working mum is difficult.