AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

A different way of seeing this might be a discussion/negotiation around:

time for each of you to spend as you want individually
time for you as a couple without the children
time for you as the family that you are now

It sounds as though the money is important, but really thinking about the above three categories might be helpful first. Money can be such an incendiary topic. Figuring out what you want as individuals, a couple and a family unit first might help you gain some common ground for finding a way forwards, whatever that is.

Then there’s nothing ‘normal’ in his engagement with the children, if he’s their parent, lives with them, and his only ‘parenting’ involves cooking and going on holiday.

Jesus. Comparing being a mother to a paid employee shows just how profoundly you don’t understand the responsibilities of parenting.

The person you were responding to was bang on the money. Practical and reality based.

I'm a bit confused. How does a sahm contribute 50 50 to the cost of the house?!

You sound like you’ve done things fairly so far and I do agree that if she so badly wants more children and she knows you don’t then she has to make the decision as to whether she is willing to do more of the nights and early mornings.
In regards to having your own time, 100% plan to have a few hours off and she can do the same each weekend. You don’t have to spend the entire weekend doing family things. Likewise, you could get a babysitter for a few hours each weekend and go out and enjoy some time together during the day.

Inheritance, as the OP makes clear.

@Cheese55

she needs to get a new dream. Thems the breaks

Yanbu at all. I would tell her feel free to leave the marriage and find someone else to have more kids with.

Have you considered getting a vasectomy as you don't want more children?

This is exactly what we did - it worked perfectly for us

It’s what loads of couples of do I think! Ensures you can both maintain your own interest, friendships etc - which is so vital when you become a parent

Why is looking after a child different when you're earning money for it? Are you suggesting you'd do a better job for someone else's child?

But he NEVER wanted 3 or 4 kids by his own admission. He KNEW he didn't but because he wanted the woman, he lied and said he did, just so he could 'have' her.

He's said it himself in black and white if you read the OP. He tricked her into being with him at the end of the day.

SAHM earn at least the cost of full- time childcare so to suggest they're not contributing financially is short-sighted. If the person 'bringing in the money' doesn't earn enough to pay for an overnight nanny and a servant then they should bloody well expect to pull their weight. The responsibility for the family you created doesn't stop at the office door.

And your ability to do your job well is really your own issue. What if you both worked? You'd have to share the nights - are you suggesting you'd be constantly at risk of being fired then?

If you don't want to be tired, don't have kids. It's part of looking after them.

Or Mum can go to the pub .Or Dad have tea with his mates !

Plus, as another pp said, this is the wife’s vocation and passion. And despite the tiredness and broken nights / early mornings, she wants more babies.

If OP likes a bit of peace, imagine the years of noise and feeling overcrowded ahead: the taking kids to and from activities ( that hasn’t even started yet) while looking after 2/3 other children, and will the house and car be big enough? Increasing the size of your family is a serious decision with years of repercussions and work and responsibility. Fine if it’s agreed and your vocation, but not if it isn’t

Suggest to your wife you have a trial.

You take a break from work and stay at home with the kids. She can work full time and help 50/50 with the two kids you already have when she comes home from work.

It’d be interesting to see how that works.

A case of women wanting equality on their own terms?

Thank you! Very sexist 😆

YANBU to stop at 2 kids. YABU to not expect to do 50/50 when you are at home.

Where is she going to go though? Do you really think she’s going to leave you and find someone else to marry just so she can have more children?
There is absolutely no way that you will be able to dictate to her how much you’re going to do with the kids if you have another. The simple fact is that you care about her and the children you have, and you won’t feel any different if it happens again. You would feel dreadful leaving everything to her.
You need to have a sit down chat with her, make your message clear- absolutely no more children. Then make sure you get the snip!!
edit to add- your job is your 8-5 or whatever it is, her job is SAHM. When you finish work you should be doing 50/50.

Except she wants to be with the kids and micro-manages them if OP or her mum has them

She can work full time and help 50/50 with the two kids you already have when she comes home from work.

You realise that's what the majority of women families do day in day out, right? Work full time and then come home and take care of their families?? To suggest it's somehow a burden is absurd. "Wah I'm sooooo tired, doing a Full-Time™️ job just like I almost certainly used to before I had children, I can't possibly do a single thing else, it's inhumane I tell you!"

100% agree with this. You have to be completely honest with your wife and tell her you don’t want any more children. She can then decide whether or not she values you and her current family more than the idea of a bigger family with someone else.

It sounds like this would be much harder on the OP since he is the one who finds childcare draining!

He didn't change his mind - he always felt like that. He went ahead and got married knowing he didn't want 3/4 and that his wife definitely did. She laid her cards on the table.

The time to be honest was before the wedding, but he wasn't.