AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

Aside from the inaccuracy around bills, there is some merit in sharing this perspective, no matter what one thinks of it.

However your statement about why the wife checks up when OP does child care is purely speculative. We have no idea what goes on. OP has said she also checks up on her own mother.

No he’s saying that if she wants more children then she needs to do more than 50% as he’s at his limit.

The actual answer is no more children but his wife would rather leave him and break up their family than stop at 2. Extraordinary behaviour.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids... It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does.

This is the problem. You knew from the start that she wanted a big family and went into a long-term relationship hoping she'd change her mind. Did she know you only wanted 1 child before you both committed to a long-term relationship? If so, when you chose to have children together you both signed up for a compromise. If not, then you signed up for a big family when you chose to have children with her.

Right now though, you need to be honest that you don't want more children. It's up to her what she does with that information. In the meantime, you don't get to opt out of 50:50 parenting just because you're bored. Parents don't get standard working hours. You're a parent every hour of every day for the rest of your life. Parenting small children is relentless and if you're not really into it, pretty joyless. The good news is that they get older and less needy and that gives you more time to have "off" time. Having time to yourself, e.g. an evening to do a hobby, one weekend day a month, is normal for both parents so you both get decompression time. It's completely reasonable to ask for that as long as you give her the same.

Life dream? Boohoo. We can't always get what we want. She should be grateful for what she has.

Sorry if repeating but she's being a bit drama queen with the whole 'I might break a child vs you sending an incorrect email' . She's saying her job is more important whereas actually yours keeps the family functioning and safe.

I was a SAHM for only 1 admittedly but felt it my responsibility to do house/cook/child care/admin etc. My partner went out to play football then pub religiously every Wednesday. He needed that for his mental health. He was happy for me to go out.

She's a micro-manager. I'd be 'not seeing' some of those texts when you've got them. She's being patronising (unless of course the untold story is that you're incompetent. 😏

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it

So you lied to her and let her think you were up for a big family and you unilaterally changed your mind? Kind of sneaky don't you think?

But other times we can get what we want, and this woman is presumably pretty wealthy, and really wants more DC. So it's conceivable that she might leave OP, to have more kids with someone else, or through IVF. OP will then be parenting his two children on his own some of the time, though presumably he'd have no interest in 50/50.

I did a deal a bit like this with DH. He wanted to stop at 2 and despite trying to feel differently for years I desperately wanted no 3. We went ahead with no 3 but I took a step back with career (resigned and went self-employed after a long mat leave), work shorter hours than him and generally do more at home / with the children. I think it's a fair deal and I am very happy. I really love and appreciate DH for agreeing because it really wasn't what he wanted.

You are not unreasonable to not want more children.

However this scenario you have painted where more children means more work for her because she wanted them, is nothing more than a fantasy. Even if she agreed to it, which I think is an unfair agreement by the way, the reality is not going to shake down like that, it’s just not.

You have to be all in with children, like all in! You can’t just become a part time Dad it’s just not realistic. Resentment will build you will end up falling out over it. You’re also not taking into account all the unknowns, what if she ends up with post natal depression, you’re going to have to step up even more, what if one of your children needs extra support in some capacity? When you commit to more children you commit to all the possibilities that come with that.

Your children will also sense your resentment, children are very perceptive as I’m sure you know and that’s just so unfair on them when they didn’t ask for this.

I think you need to say no to more children unless you can really look at it and decide you can do it with 100% effort.

LOL. You are talking to someone who for months got about three hours sleep a day and that was in tiny chunks, not even a solid three hours in one go. And he screamed most of the time ( reflux baby).

I could still manage to look after my baby whereas I could not do my job that tired. Where are all these dead babies from tired mothers? There are bloody loads of tired mothers. You can still take basic precautions to keep your child safe.

Whereas plenty of people have jobs where there actually is a serious risk of them killing someone if tired, any type of driver, nurse, doctor, firefighter, welder, any operator of machinary, surgeon, I could go on. And of course driving to and from work.

'More red flags than a parade in Beijing' as I read in a thread the other day.

Mate, you really do sound surplus to requirements in this relationship, and writing the words ' She is wonderful and I love her' doesn't really make it true.

Every thing you have written about her is dripping with resentment and loathing. You clearly are miles apart on what your future should look like.

Do you really just want to be a sperm donor in this relationship, with absolutely no agency or voice?.

It's absolutely vital that you do not have any more kids with your wife. No ' accidents' - you actually make her sound quite chilling when you you say she is confident that she will always get her way.

You have lots to think about. You already resent having two children, anymore would be a complete disaster.

@dadtosomekids what about live-in nanny? I think it's ok for you to do little bit less because your wife doesn't work, but I would say 4 kids would be a lot for 2 adults to handle and it would be too much for 1 person to handle. So don't have more children because I agree it will be lot of work.

I don’t think the older kid at nursery is costing them - it’s universal funding for kids over 3. Not income assessed/ doesn’t need both parents to be working unlike the funding for younger children

Said exactly like a man who isn't spending time parenting his kids alone and doing the rest of stuff necessary to manage a home.

Sorry when does she get a break? While I agree you Shouldn’t have more kids.. they fact she is paying her way and having to parent the kids more than you isn’t on.

I will be so upset if this happened to me. It’s a betrayal to make someone think your life plans are aligned and they aren’t

She is likely to find her market value in the dating market has declined somewhat, as a single mother with two young children, who does not want to work, but wants a man to work to pay all the bills and holidays, and who also wants to have two more kid with her new husband, and for him to do 50/50 care for four kids when he’s not at work.

Good luck finding a man like that.

She also does not sound like a woman who wants to do all the work for four kids solo, by having IVF.

I think you are in 'playing chess with a pidgeon' territory here, with your wife taking the role of the feathered party.

Thanks

Sometimes people don’t realise they don’t want 3-4 kids until after they realise how much work it is. I mean 2 kids is hard work. Op is entitled to not want anymore kids. The wife can leave if she wants . If someone already has 2 kids with their partner and would leave them because they want more they must not love their partner all that much in my opinion, especially one like the op who sounds reasonable and supportive

It really isn't. If you've been led to believe this then I'm sorry for you.

If OPs wife was a nanny by profession and looked after a child during the day, would you say the same thing? It's the same job - but she's earning money!! That entitles someone to get out of parenting their own child doesn't it?

Or what if was doing an unpaid internship? Say, in medicine? She's not earning money then, right so should be treated like a servant and do all the nights and the grunt work.

Which is it?

Bluntly, you are fucked. You don't want more kids but she'll leave you if you say no. So you are saying she can have more kids but you won't put the work in. She won't agree to that.

What she wants is for you to feel the same as her about having a big family. But you don't feel that way.

My friend wanted kids, her husband didn't, he already had 3. Their agreement was that she would do ALL the childcare. He would support financially but that was it. He has always been part of the family in that he does all the cooking, they go on holiday together, he engages with the kids quite normally. But no getting up in the night, school runs, homework, decisions on schools, parents evenings etc etc. The kids love him. She also had to go back to work because he couldn't afford to support all the children he ended up having without her working.

Not at all sneaky. Op is absolutely entitled to change his mind. It doesnt sound like he intended to string his dw along.

OP expressly says that money is no stressor for her due to inheritance.

I have a lot of kids and got married for a second time after the end of my first marriage. Second DH and I had another child, and fostered and then adopted a foster child - there are men out there who really enjoy parenting too.

You can't have a third child but abdicate responsibility for it. You don't want more children. Children deserve to be wanted, not begrudgingly fathered with conditions attached. It was a bit daft of both of you to get married knowing that your dreams were completely incompatible.