AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

She'll be unhappy and leave him without more children, as she should . She said she wanted 3/4, he said OK and can't back out now depriving her of her life dream.

OP, just something to think about, but I think this is how it would appear from your wife’s perspective:

I have two children with my husband. I’m a stay at home mum whilst he goes out to work. Although he contributes more than I do to general household expenses, we go halves on the mortgage and I use my own money for my own expenses so he doesn’t actually provide for us financially much more than I do.
DH always knew I wanted a big family before we married. He always said he wanted one, maybe 2 but still married me. We’re at 2 now and he’s on the fence about wanting a third.
I do all of the childcare during the day, but ask DH to help with bath time and bedtime once he’s home half of the time which he grumbles about because he says he’s tired after work (despite me working all day too). I’ve always done all of the night feeds when they were babies.
At the weekends I like to plan days out for us all as we don’t get to spend much time as a family, but DH often wants to go to the pub or just watch football without me or the DC which I think is unfair.
DH rarely has the kids by himself and moans when I check that things are running smoothly when he does. I do this as he tends not to know how things are done/where things are as he spends little time with them during the week.

I have 4 kids and when the night feeds and temper tantrums stop, the mental load steps up. You can not underestimate how much hard work it is for a very long time. My eldest is at uni so mostly out of sight, out of mind but if he calls it's still sometimes for big issues.

Physically is a doddle but mentally it's not

I agree, I have a 1yo and an older child and I am dead tired but I don’t think you need to be 100% awake to look after basic needs and keep them alive. My DH has a daily hour’s commute each way to work - for this reason I do all nights - the idea of him having a car accident because he’s tired is very scary. Whereas I can catch up on sleep during the day, buy a ready meal instead of cook, let go of cleaning until the weekend etc, and don’t have to answer to anyone except DH and he understands nights are hard and that things are sometimes a mess at home.

OP isn’t bringing in all of the money though - he’s only paying half of the mortgage and DW provides her own money for her own expenses.

Get a vasectomy asap. I wouldn't put it past a woman like this to "accidentally" get pregnant, then before you know it the number 3 then 4 will be there, and there's no turning back. Plus she sounds completely boring and unambitious. She is thinking of her needs only, not yours.

Going against the grain here but I think YANBU. If she wants more kids and her „dream“ is to have a big family with lots of kids then given the circumstances that you are working FT outside of the home where you get assessed and graded based on your work, I feel she should handle the home element and devote more time to theming children she so clearly wants.

If your DW wants a traditional set up then tell her to be the trad wife she longs to be. MN is full of women who want 50/50 everything but not everyone is after that and you are within your right to express your wishes. You need to speak to your DW and discuss this.

Re whether you should do 50/50, I don't think that's a helpful metric.

You should both do your fair share.

That means that at the end of a week/ month/ quarter or whatever timescale you use, you should both have roughly had the same amount of leisure time.

And I really think you should go for couples counselling. You want different things so one of you is going to have to change their mind or you split. If you go to counselling, the one who changes their mind if that's the way it goes, will be able to feel much more positive and happy about the change and if you split, you will have a much better split and your children will not suffer as much.

Please book the counsellor.

Bugger the two who already exist eh?

They get divorced parents so their mother can have two more babies with her new bloke.

Children that already exist are more important than hypothetical ones.

Book yourself in for a vasectomy then.

Your body, your decision.

Best to discuss it first rather than surprise her but then everyone has to accept the situation - that there won't be a 3rd or 4th child. She may be disappointed and sad. That's ok. She may need some therapy to grieve or just some time.

But don't keep dragging the conversation on. If you don't want more children with her or any other woman, book a vasectomy.

I don’t think you are being that unreasonable. It’s a no from you. The compromise is her doing more.

But I’d say the same. She sounds suffocating

On weekends - the DH is allowed some time to himself sometimes.
On chasing him up when he looks after the kids - let him be their parent.

The thing is it sounds as though your wife will agree if you said she needed to take on more of the load....its easy to say yes I will do more but when another 1 or 2 children are here that would be forgotten or dismissed and you will be expected to do your share.
It isnt really an argument you don't want more children so don't have them and then opt out of parenting

But he isn’t opting out, yet.

He just doesn’t want to sign up for more.

Wanting to go to football or out with mates or otherwise do something for himself more than once every few months also isn’t negligent. Ordinarily I agree partners should have equal amounts of personal time. But when one partner won’t be parted from the DC it isn’t fair to insist that the other not be.

Parents getting divorced is not the end of the world. He's not that bothered about the children and can see them every other w end. A step dad might be more involved.

This. If the children go to nursery that means she gets some free time on her own. It’s therefore only fair that you also get some free time on your own.

@usedtobeaylis

well, whatever constitutes a break for OP’s wife! It doesn’t matter! The point is that OP has tried to facilitate that, she has declined. That’s on her. But it doesn’t mean that OP shouldn’t have a break

On average children do better in households with both their parents.

Why does the wife get what she wants at the expense of her existing children?

Only half the mortgage? Is the family eating air and going naked? Having no holidays? Using no transport? We know the older DC is in nursery, paid for by him, even though her mother stays home.

OP says his DW pays half the mortgage and her personal expenses. He pays everything else. At least get your facts right.

Don't have more kids than you want. It's as simple as that.

It's not like a kid who gets a hamster on the promise they will be the one who cleans it out. There are some compromises that are never going to work. You have always been clear 2 was your limit. She chose to be with you knowing you didn't date her dream and her dream was dependent on you agreeing. And you never have.

A vasectomy would be a good idea.

I also think, at risk of being a pessimist, don't have more children than you can cope with solo. Say you have 4 kids and she's hit by a bus, or just really ill and incapacitated for a long time. It's partly the want to do it makes people pull through the hard times and you don't even want to do it in good times.

@Needlenardlenoo

how sad your husband felt that he had to do nothing!
did he gain weight?

I completely agree. It just sounds as though the reality is he’s saying, during that short time he shouldn’t have to parent because his wife likes being a mum more than he likes being a dad and he's been at work. Is that fair on his wife, is one thing. Is it fair on his kids is another…

You can call them 'child related tasks' all you like, but what you mean is parenting, and your wife is already doing significantly more of the parenting than you, as a SAHP.

You refusing to parent overnight/early mornings with a 3rd child won't work, because with a baby and two older ones, there will often be 2 DC needing different things at the same time.

And ultimately, you don't need to have more children if you don't want them. If so, have a vasectomy, because it wouldn't be fair to expect her to take responsibility for contraception when she wants more children.

Given that she's told you from the start that she wants a large family, your wife can't be blamed for being upset at you making this decision, however. Given she is so wealthy that she doesn't need to work outside the home whilst paying 50% of house expenses, she has a lot of options, so although divorce sounds drastic in this scenario, I suppose it can't be ruled out.

I wonder if there's a middle ground of hiring a night nanny for first year with new baby?

I think you need to have a frank discussion with her and say you don’t want anymore kids that’s it
if she chooses to leave you then that is up to her
and book a vasectomy asap!!!!!!

my brother had this with his ex partner he left her in the end but is still a good Dad but her demands are were just too much!

I have one piece of advice. Do not have sex with your wife again unless you are wearing a condom. Seriously.