AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

Of course it is

Is it fuck. I have never, ever on my 45 years see anyone suggest that a man sitting in a barber chair is a break either. Absolute bullshit messaging.

But she’s chosen to look after them all the time. Even when she’s away from them she micromanages both OP and any babysitter

OP is talking about his going to the pub to meet friends. She doesn’t want to do the same but it’s ok that he does from time to time.

She sounds both spoilt and suffocating.

Finally not sure why you are mentioning NI. She can get that via child benefit claim even if OP earns too much and so they don’t receive the cash

The problem with your proposal is that you'd be setting an awful example for your children.

They won't learn 'mum and dad made a compromise because she wanted more kids and he didn't'. They will learn that childcare is a woman's responsibility and men are 'allowed' more free time.

And what if she didn't stick to her side of the arrangement? Would you resent the children?

If you're not both fully onboard with more children I don't think you should have them.

Why do you think OP needs advice on contraception and how babies get made?

"If you aren't wearing protection EVERY time you are intimate then the chances are high that she will end up pregnant" indeed!

It's entirely fair! And is how it actually works in the real world for 90% of houses where one half is a stay at home parent and the other half is working full-time, I will bet.

Yes being a stay at home parent is difficult but with one child in nursery and another one aged 1 – they have plenty of naps and you can pretty much lie on the living room rug and nap with them for an hour or two a day if you like, but the deal is, you do the nights & the early mornings and so on. If you're a zombie the next day nobody is going to fire you.

The partner who has to sit upright in an office all day should not be expected to do 50% of the nights and early mornings. They can't nap during the day or just push a pram around the park like a zombie (I've done this, haven't we all?). They have to be alert and perform and WORK in a way that doesn't get them fired.

This is simple common sense and how 90% of families work. Unfortunately we've got the 10% (no doubt divorced by now because of their very unreasonableness) laying in on the poor OP.

Well if it isn't a break then it must be a chore.

It's me time. When you're having something done that is purely for you, no-one else.

Oh I missed that! That's a shame.

because one person is bringing in the money to keep the family going. Of course that person should be less tired. They could lose their job. Which is the only job the family has.

I spent years as a SAHM. I could do that tired. I could not do my job tired.

Haven't RTFT yet just the first post but my immediate thought was: if you didn't want 3-4 children and she told you upfront that she did and you agreed to it instead of saying no, I want to stop at 2, then yab unfair to not have been straight up about that to begin with. This is the sort of thing you need to sort out before you have kids.

Having said that, you have to start from where you are. Which is that you are a father and parenting is fucking exhausting but it suddenly gets much easier much sooner than you were expecting. Life is long and you get out what you put in.

Will now RTFT.

It is even more important to keep your job when you have 5 or 6 people to support.

Arguably, it would make sense for the wife to take on more childcare responsibility here so the DH can advance his career, make enough wonga to keep 5 or 6 and pay for some weekend childcare so they can occasionally do things as a couple.

If you're going to do single earner/SAHM, might as well play to your strengths.

I say that to my DP monthly 😂

Tbf though, hair cuts are essential and difficult to do at home. Gel nails not so much.

LOL. If the person with care is always tired, s/he could accidentally kill the baby. That's a bit more serious than losing your job.

I can't believe how divisive this post is.

I truly believe the OP who is working full time should not be expected to be doing nights, that's the SAHP's job. Especially if she's got childcare for 1 of the 2, and no money worries, and she's the one who wants more children.

Maybe it "gets easier" for some people. I've got a demanding 13 year old and a demanding job. I'd probably have cracked up by now with 1-3 more of her!

The answer to this is that you shouldn’t have any more children. You SO clearly don’t want more (which is completely fine!). Please don’t have more children with her. It’s not fair for children to be brought into the world without being wanted by two parents.

It’s absolutely not ok to have children and then tell your wife that she has to do all of the work.

I’m a SAHM and the agreement to me leaving work was in the week I’d be the majority carer for our children. Weekends we’d both get a lie-in each. I don’t have any real advice because she’s been very clear on her expectations and how her future looks. You’ve just gone along with it and now it’s become a sticking point. You can’t have more children you don’t want and in truth it’s unfair to expect her to be doing the majority because you find it hard to get through a few hours. It’s unfair to expect her to not have a day to herself occasionally because you’ve now decided to be truthful

... Why did you create a family with someone who openly wanted 3 or 4 kids and you didnt?

100% agree. SAHP can nap during the day when the baby naps as assume 4yo is in nursery school or primary.

I remember when mine were babies. I’d get an early night. DH would do the last feed before he went to bed and then I’d get up in the night for any night feeds.

I've only read the OPs posts but from them I'd say you are incompatible. Two kids is hard work enough let alone 3 or 4 when your wife expects you to spend as much time with them as she wants to at weekends.

Yes! This. I guess it’s how it was then. But when we were small (3 under 5) mum was a SAHM (when the three of us were older and in school she went back to work) and Dad worked. He’d come back filthy and tired but desperate to see us - take us off down the garden to play & work on the veg patch, while mum cracked on with cooking tea etc.

That really informs understanding for kids. Here it’s a squabble here between the couple about whether they should both do 50% when they’re both there… but I remember that my Dad loved being a Dad (I’m sure we were hard bloody work, there were times of tired parents and frustration) and guess the kids here will pick up on how the Dad feels about parenting them and who’s responsibility that is…

Honestly I think she’s being unreasonable. You are working full time and she’s expecting you to look after the children the same amount as she does when she is a SAHM. Yes I know financially she is independent through inheritance but you still have the right to say you don’t want anymore children. Her desire to have more doesn’t trump your desire to keep the stays quo.

it feels like she’s more forceful personality wise and you are going to get railroaded into it regardless. All I can suggest is you put forward the compromise of dropping down to part time and her contributing more financially. Then your time is freed up to dedicate to child care and she has the funds to make the appropriate financial adjustments. Everyone’s happy (except we all know she won’t be).

She appears to not want a day to herself though? Obviously we only have one side of the story here, but this woman appears to have no friends, hobbies or interests outside the children.

I can relate to that part of the OP as my DH's only hobby (long distance cycling).wasn't very baby compatible, so he stopped, and did nothing, so I felt bad for wanting time off. We had it sorted by the time she was school age though and used to tag team at the weekend.

I don't agree with many of the posters and am sure I'll be flamed but if you are working out of the house I don't think you should do 50% of the childcare , housework etc when you get home . I also think you shouldn't have to have more children if you really don't want to . I've had four children ,my choice , and did 80 % / 90% of t he childcare , I thought that was fair .

I am of an older generation so maybe that influences my view.

I'm just going to h ide behind the sofa ! !

Parents are allowed to go out without their children sometimes. An afternoon watching football at the pub every so often isn’t unreasonable.

And an hour at night is how life is when children are small and go to bed early.